Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It is no lie that an acrimonious divorce really does something to the head of a man and one should really think about when is the right time to jump back into the dating/relationships pool.
I went through an absolutely horrible year and a half divorce after my wife very surprisingly served papers on me at my job, to be followed up by personal visits to embarrass me in front of my co-workers. She stalked me house with scary male thug "friends", tried to run me over in front of my mother's house where I was staying and I had to hide behind a big oak tree to save my life, likely infidelity, etc etc etc ... you get the picture.
Anyway, after the divorce was final I was one severely wounded guy. However, I was admittedly really horney and even more just missing the companionship of what I hoped would be at least a decent, non-psycho woman that I could still remember the wife being when I first married her. However, there was NO WAY, NO HOW, that I was looking for any kind of a deep, long term relationship due to my severe lack of confidence and trust. I had friends tell me I should just hire prostitutes for a couple of years until I was ready but I was in my 40s, had a love for Christianity, and just couldn't bring myself to start doing that.
So I joined one of the internet dating sites - a real cheap, low tech one without all the "science" and "match-compatibility" stuff. I just wanted to find a tall (I'm 6'5"), reasonably well-educated (I'm a energy company engineer), reasonably attractive, and most importantly - non-psycho. I really didn't care that much if we really clicked as soul-mates, was marriage-material, etc. Just wanted a nice lady to hang out with every couple of weekends maybe. Anyway, after a couple of misses, just the 3rd or 4th lady I dated just blew me away. She wasn't just attractive, she was a 5'11" gorgeous former Jr. Miss runner up. She wasn't just smart, she was a successful ex-engineer turned attorney. And she was loads of fun and made me laugh and come out of my divorce rebound funk. Well, as you can imagine, I didn't just want to spend "every other weekend or so" with her, I wanted to spend every day with her! We had a whirlwind courtship and ended up getting married a little over 4 months later. We've been married 8 years now and it's been great! Even though I did have a lot of isssues from being on the rebound, she was patient and let me heal. One thing that all guys on the rebound must learn (I didn't know) - don't be spending hours and hours re-hashing the horrors of your previous marriage, knocking your ex - it just drives your new wife crazy and she starts to see YOUR flaws and how they might have drove your ex off the deep end and could do the same to her in the future. Just keep your darn pie-hole shut and talk about the future of your new relationship with your new wife!
My lesson learned: you can tell yourself, I need months or years of healing, I need to go slow, etc etc etc. But when God places "The One" in front of you "too early", don't think you're smarter than Him, just take your blessing and enjoy! Sometimes it much better to go with your heart than your brain. If I had listened to my own advice to wait or the predominant advice of this forum I would have missed out on the best 8 years or my life.
Also when a person has been married or with a significant other for a long period of time and then becomes single again they feel alone. So feeling that way they may just jump into a relationship to fill that void rather then take more time to adjust and find a healthy relationship. I also agree in general if one is not in a good mindset it is easy to get into an unhealthy relationship.
OP I believe everyone is different in when it is the right time. Only you know what you feel in your mind and heart.
Yeah, I'm still pretty ticked off at my ex...but we have kids so he continually finds new ways to be self-centered. Laughter is the best medicine and living well is the best revenge.
I also read the "you need time to heal" stuff (come to think of it, no one in my real life said that). I think it is BS. I had been alone for so long that I needed time to GET OUT, socialize, recapture my sense of humor. I wasn't in danger of stumbling into something serious. I made a few rookie dating mistakes, but nothing drastic. I dated casually for years...no relationship longer than 4-5 months. I may be more mature than some...I did not think that the right man was going to save me from the process of figuring out where I went wrong.
After almost 6 years I had a longer more serious relationship...in which I found myself STILL working through some issues from my marriage. And I"m doing that again with my current relationship. So I don't think time was going to heal anything. What I needed/need is hands on practice. Being treated with loving respect has made me continue to realize how unloved and unrespected I was. I'm not sure I want those reminders to ever go away.
Being treated with loving respect has made me continue to realize how unloved and unrespected I was. I'm not sure I want those reminders to ever go away.
I am going through divorce as well. Even though our marriage has officially ended just recently, our relationship as husband and wife ended years ago. I have considered the whats and whys way before going to atty and physically separating. I am comfortable about the divorce as being a way to start that "healing" process.
I have started dating although my amicable divorce that was due to be final this month is now becoming acrimonious and will end--- ???
I think unless for morality/religious reasons that the healing process is for people who their divorce is not cut and dry... there are unresolved issues, desires, emotions... In my case, we just want it over NOW... we are fighting about money.... (from my direction to his...) our contact is strictly to do with our daughter. He couldn't care less who I see and what I do unless it involves our daughter and I feel the same.
But I have met men who are nervous about legally separated woman.. and it is within their right. Even though *I* know what the real deal is... they have to go on trust of my word...
So, dating while going thru divorce can be tricky.
But like others have said... I NEEDED to get out there and socialize... to start feeling happy and positive. And yes to see for myself that I was a pleasant, attractive and desirable woman... my ex for years made me feel like I was the opposite... it is true that you have to believe it yourself... but it is gratifying to actually that sentiment reflected thru interactions to others and their reaction to you...
Not saying this is correct, but I'm human and it feels good to be appreciated for whatever, after years of being belittle and emotionally abused.
Last edited by kcam213; 03-07-2014 at 08:32 AM..
Reason: more info
Having endured a bad relationship, or one that degenerated into discord and misery, there's a healing-period, in the sense of recovering from trauma. Several posters have noted this. Without minimizing their predicament, I'd like to reiterate the opposite situation: when a good relationship ends, not because of abuse or discovery of perfidy, but because one of the partners suddenly changes, and the marriage can't continue. I'd describe my own sensations as less those of a divorcee, than as a widower… it's as if my ex-wife passed away. It's less of an anger-management process than a grieving process. The final stage, "acceptance", is less about accepting having been hurt and enduring with the remainder of life, than accepting that an essential postulate of earlier life has been subverted.
Having endured a bad relationship, or one that degenerated into discord and misery, there's a healing-period, in the sense of recovering from trauma. Several posters have noted this. Without minimizing their predicament, I'd like to reiterate the opposite situation: when a good relationship ends, not because of abuse or discovery of perfidy, but because one of the partners suddenly changes, and the marriage can't continue. I'd describe my own sensations as less those of a divorcee, than as a widower… it's as if my ex-wife passed away. It's less of an anger-management process than a grieving process. The final stage, "acceptance", is less about accepting having been hurt and enduring with the remainder of life, than accepting that an essential postulate of earlier life has been subverted.
I'm curious about this, as I keep reading about this healing process that divorcees go through. People advising divorcees to take time to "heal" after their divorce, and when they should/shouldn't date again.
Now, I am certain that many divorcees will experience various stages of grief, and that a healing period is part of the process, especially under certain circumstances. A lot of this advice, and much of what I've read overtime doesn't quite resonate with me. I didn't "grieve" and haven't gone through the stages of loss/grief, but then that has everything to do with the dynamics of the former relationship. It was an amicable split. It's been three years since we've lived together, so we've been separated, physically, for some time, and officially separated a year and a half ago. Even then, I didn't grieve or need to "process" the dissolution of our marriage, at least not in the way many people advise. I know exactly why things ended, and am self-aware enough and have done plenty of introspection these last six years to know the whys/hows, but then I never really asked these questions in a serious way. I know the whys without needing to examine them.
It's especially interesting when actively dating, whether in the scene itself or involved with one person. For those who reentered the dating scene before your divorce was finalized or shortly after, were you urged against dating or advised to take time alone to "heal"?
Both my parents remarried within a year of their divorce. My mother married after my father likely as a way to compete with him. My father waited until after the divorce was finalized to begin dating due to his religious beliefs or whatever. I'm a happy heathen, so that was never a concern of mine.
ETA: A friend said it's ironic that I'm going through this while also doing a study on love, relationships and family, and I mentioned that it makes perfect sense, from a personal and educational perspective. (psychology is a field I enjoy studying, and I am fascinated by the human psyche, interactions and relationships)
I think when people advise to take the time to heal, what they're saying is to work out the emotions you're going through.
Far too often, people will try to escape and run into another relationship to get over the previous one only finding themselves back in the same relationship with the new person.
What they're really saying is, make sure you learn your lesson and that you're emotionally able to let go before you start anew.
Old baggage can cause people to repeat the same patterns if the enter new relationships with eyes wide shut.
Denial or avoidance is a defense mechanism people use to keep their emotions at bay during rough times that can lead people to make not so smart choices that cause their lives to spiral out of control.
Taking time to heal helps one to keep their eyes wide open by keeping their own perspective in check.
But, like you said, the healing process is different for everyone and sometimes, there is unfinished business and that's a part of life- to accept and let go.
Everyone is different and people get over things at different speeds. For me, it took a long time to fully recover. I agree with whoever said being indifferent is how you know you're really over someone. It took me a long time to get over feeling angry. It took me a long time to feel that I could trust myself again because I felt very blind sided by what happened to the point where I really doubted myself because how could I ever have believed in this person and trusted them? Why didn't I see the truth about what kind of person he was? I dated here and there, but I didn't feel it was fair to drag another person into my mess and I didn't want to cover up my bad feelings by finding someone else. I wanted to actually feel them and fix them.
I don't think anyone is a lost cause when it comes to getting over someone, but you have to work at it. I know of people who spent the rest of their lives wallowing in their bad feelings. I never want to be that kind of person.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
follow your heart not your head
