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It was pretty clear to me that after 2 years and he told her he did not want to live with her that he really does not want the relationship to progress any further than it has so I'm not sure why one would have to be clairvoyant to comprehend the meaning of his statement.
That's not what he told her.
He told her "I don't want to move in with you yet because you are too sloppy".
He did not tell her "I don't want to move in with you ever".
Again, those with more experience can read between the lines. But really, dude should just say what he means in the first place. Then there is no confusion, and people aren't trying to find ways to blame her for actually listening to the words that came out of his mouth.
What I am saying is that there is something disingenuous about blaming the woman for not reading between the lines instead of the guy for not being straightforward in the first place.
That's the thing, we don't live in a fantasy world.
No one owes us anything or even explanation.
We can't blame him for something he has no obligation nor responsibility to uphold just as no woman has any responsibility for staying in a relationship with a man or give him a reason for not staying in one.
Every being for themselves.
The fact that she is waiting for a guy to be completely truthful to her gives me the perception she's handed all control to him. Why on earth would anyone do that ??
You have to put your feet firmly on the ground and see reality
That's the thing, we don't live in a fantasy world.
No one owes us anything or even explanation.
We can't blame him for something he has no obligation nor responsibility to uphold just as no woman has any responsibility for staying in a relationship with a man or give him a reason for not staying in one.
Every being for themselves.
The fact that she is waiting for a guy to be completely truthful to her gives me the perception she's handed all control to him. Why on earth would anyone do that ??
You have to put your feet firmly on the ground and see reality
Whoa. I don't even know where to start with this.
So people in relationships have no right to expect honesty from their partner? Every person for themselves even when you supposedly love each other? You are not obliged to be respectful towards people you are in a LTR with?
And the thing is, even if you believe no one owes anyone an explanation.. he DID give an explanation.
She did not ask to move in, have him answer back no, and then when she asked why, he replied with "I don't have to explain, the answer is simply no".
She asked, and he used the words "not yet" and gave a why! So how is it solely her fault somehow if she believed what he said?
IF he indeed, as we suspect, is simply not interested in living with her... well then he lied. And that is on him and no one else. This is a woman he has been seeing for 2 years, so it's not like she has no reason to trust him.
I think that if the things he listed that you do bother him so much, he should have already addressed them with you as they happened. For example, the first time he saw you wash the pan the "wrong way", he should have said, "Hey babe, could you wash it this way instead of that way? That would really help me out." Simple. Done.
What bothers me is that he has clearly been tallying up all of these things in his brain for quite a while, without telling you. This puts you in a no-win situation because you're all of a sudden left with a list of problems you didn't even know you had. In a loving, committed relationship, there is supposed to be honesty and transparency to where each person WANTS to voice their concerns because they want to grow together with their partner, not keep score and spring blame upon them.
This feels like a power-play to me. If he's been so unhappy this whole time, he should have said something to you as these issues came up so that you actually had a CHANCE to fix them. Looks to me like he just wants something to hold over your head, to guilt you with. Not good.
I think that if the things he listed that you do bother him so much, he should have already addressed them with you as they happened. For example, the first time he saw you wash the pan the "wrong way", he should have said, "Hey babe, could you wash it this way instead of that way? That would really help me out." Simple. Done.
What bothers me is that he has clearly been tallying up all of these things in his brain for quite a while, without telling you. This puts you in a no-win situation because you're all of a sudden left with a list of problems you didn't even know you had. In a loving, committed relationship, there is supposed to be honesty and transparency to where each person WANTS to voice their concerns because they want to grow together with their partner, not keep score and spring blame upon them.
This feels like a power-play to me. If he's been so unhappy this whole time, he should have said something to you as these issues came up so that you actually had a CHANCE to fix them. Looks to me like he just wants something to hold over your head, to guilt you with. Not good.
Exactly! You said this much better than I would have. I posted earlier, OP should ask him why he never mentioned these points before (if they're even real concerns, and not just excuses). In a normal, caring relationship, things like this are mentioned as they come up, not silently held as secret grudges. This doesn't bode well for a successful LTR, anyway.
Newbie might be right; he just may not be that into her. And if he's holding out on her like this, and not being forthcoming, she should consider whether she would want to stay with him at all.
In a normal, caring relationship, things like this are mentioned as they come up, not silently held as secret grudges. This doesn't bode well for a successful LTR, anyway.
Newbie might be right; he just may not be that into her. And if he's holding out on her like this, and not being forthcoming, she should consider whether she would want to stay with him at all.
Precisely. My ex used to pull the grudge card when we were together. All of a sudden he'd bring up all these things that I did that made him unhappy - most were extremely trivial, and all had been going on for months. I would say to him, "If you had just told me about these things as they happened, I would have been more than happy to fix them." But soon I realized that he didn't actually WANT to solve anything - he just wanted to be able to hold these things over my head and blame me. He wanted to back me into a corner and ensure I had no out. It was an ugly game, and it was all about control.
So people in relationships have no right to expect honesty from their partner? Every person for themselves even when you supposedly love each other? You are not obliged to be respectful towards people you are in a LTR with?
And the thing is, even if you believe no one owes anyone an explanation.. he DID give an explanation.
She did not ask to move in, have him answer back no, and then when she asked why, he replied with "I don't have to explain, the answer is simply no".
She asked, and he used the words "not yet" and gave a why! So how is it solely her fault somehow if she believed what he said?
IF he indeed, as we suspect, is simply not interested in living with her... well then he lied. And that is on him and no one else. This is a woman he has been seeing for 2 years, so it's not like she has no reason to trust him.
Yikes.
No one has no reason to trust anyone period.
Regardless if he lied or not, she is the naive one.
Look, there is no at fault party. We are all responsible for knowing where we stand in our life.
If you want to believe throughout your life that you will get everything you feel entitled to , including someone being 100% forward with you at all time, that's your prerogative. But don't impose that expectation unto anyone try to make them look like a bad person.
Every one is responsible for themselves. If that hurts your feelings to hear, tough! Move to Disneyland
No one has no reason to trust anyone period.
Regardless if he lied or not, she is the naive one.
Look, there is no at fault party. We are all responsible for knowing where we stand in our life.
If you want to believe throughout your life that you will get everything you feel entitled to , including someone being 100% forward with you at all time, that's your prerogative. But don't impose that expectation unto anyone try to make them look like a bad person.
Every one is responsible for themselves. If that hurts your feelings to hear, tough! Move to Disneyland
You're saying that no one owes anyone anything, not even in a romantic relationship? That there's no difference, in terms of trust and respect, between your SO and a stranger on the street? That's pretty ridiculous. The whole reason you get into a relationship with someone - ideally - is because you love and trust that person and want to be close to them. It's not "pollyanna" to expect honesty and respect!
does it really matter if he's using it as an excuse or not? The answer is Still No. He doesn't want the relationship to go beyond this point
Nah. Not really. It's pretty obvious, but the OP is here asking so I suggested a way for her to get proof.
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