Were you unsure of the person you married from the start? (years, engaged)

[Marylandkitten]

I was in the process of holding together all of the broken puzzle pieces of the life I wanted it to be... when I got married. It felt like a constant struggle to "make it" the relationship and the marriage and the life that I wanted it to be. . . there was no realy cherry on top that broke the relationship that I can put my finger on per se, I just got tired of herding marbles up-hill eventually. I agree with pirate girl on so many levels. . . . you can't change someone. And you can't close your eyes and look the other way and hope that things will smooth over, or get better. One of these days you just have to look at things for what they are, and go from there. I wish I hadn't been looking the other way when I got married.

He had promised he would get his driver's liscence by the time we got married. He didn't, but could I call it off? No. . . my mom had made my dress, my family had flown from overseas, everything was there. everything was ready... just hold your breath, put on a smile, look the other way, and continue walking down that aisle. I cried that day for reasons many people wouldn't ever understand.

[sedie80]

Originally Posted by Lillietta

But they say the first year is the hardest.

For me, the first two years have been the hardest. Two years and four months later, I finally feel at peace!

Originally Posted by mjb68

My father on the other hand told me while we were walking down the aisle "are you sure, we can get outta here right now" LOL, he was joking of course my dad loves him.

That must be a "dad" thing....mine said the same thing! (Also, just joking)


Everything happened so fast with my wedding. 8 months to plan; I hardly remember the actual wedding day at all. It took me a long time to figure out that the things I didn't like about my guy wouldn't change because of a piece of paper. I was stubbornly convinced that a wedding ring would make him care about how the house looked, or that the bills needed paying.

The first few months, I honestly thought I'd made a mistake. I thought that because he didn't find the same things important that I found important, that he didn't love me like I wanted him to. Now I realize how insane that sounds. He may not find those things important, but he respects the fact that I do. That is what made me realize what I have is irreplaceable.

[kaykay]

I had some doubts after my dh and I got engaged. But here we are together, 32 years later. No regrets!
(I think the deal is ...I have a tendency to second-guess and overthink everything a little bit!)

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by Rcm58

Were you unsure of the person you married right from the start but went through with it anyway. Just curious on this one because you always here of people saying they had butterflies before the ceremony and to me thats a sure sign you might want to call it off.

I made the statement awhile back that everyone knows when somethings right and I was told, know they don't! by a close friend. So i've since changed my view on that one, I was wrong, some people don't know.

Yeah. My body was trying to tell me something... Felt anxious, couldn't sleep... it's like having this deeply buried feeling that something's wrong, but you can't put your finger on it. Of course, brushed if off as reacting to positive excitement the same way I do to negative...

[movingtohouston]

My hubby and I knew it was right before we even got married. We were walking through a dept store and picking out stuff that would go in our home before we even realized what we were doing. Thirteen years later still going strong.

I think maybe the butterflies come from just the feeling of how important that day is...the knowledge and the acceptance of the knowledge that you are pledging yourself to someone forever. I think that is a good thing.

[rcsteiner]

Originally Posted by Rcm58

Were you unsure of the person you married right from the start but went through with it anyway.

No. I didn't ask my wife to marry me until we'd known each other for three years and had lived together for over a year (after being burned by her ex, she wanted to live with someone before marriage so she could get to really know them, and I did as well).

I knew well before I proposed to her that I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. No question at all.

My *main* issue was whether or not I wanted to get formally married in the first place ... to anyone. Legal entanglements and all that.

Once I made up my mind on that issue, the rest was easy.

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by Rcm58

Were you unsure of the person you married right from the start but went through with it anyway. Just curious on this one because you always here of people saying they had butterflies before the ceremony and to me thats a sure sign you might want to call it off.

This is a great thread topic. Yes, I was unsure of the person from the start but went through with it anyway and it was a horrible mistake and I should have called it off.

I told him no to the engagement for weeks and finally said yes cause I was exhausted from resisting. (I wanted to wait 2 years until I finished college). I was 19 and he was 28 and although I accept full responsibility for my actions, in retrospect 21 years later, i see it as someone much older taking advantage of someone much younger and vulnerable in many ways. (Turned out is he that sort of person, very cutthroat, he sees what he wants and he takes it, in business, and with people.)

I ignored every bit if inutition and instinct I had, which was screaming, "This is a mistake." I knew it when I was sitting on the bed the morning of the wedding with 50 people downstairs in my parent's house waiting for the ceremony, and I told myself, "Can't call it off now, the gifts have been given delivered and it would be so embarrassing for my parents."

For me it was a big lesson in not ignoring my inuition and my instincts (my gut is way smarter than my head), and it is more important how I FEEL than, "how it would look" to anyone else. It would have saved everyone a lot of heartache, to the tune of 3 babies later, a messy divorce, horrible, I don't wish that on anyone.

I don't regret the three beautiful children I had, but what I tell them as they grow up is, "it's easier to clean up a small mess now than a bigger mess later." And who cares how it looks if you change your mind, it's more important that you are happy, and that you not make yourself and someone else miserable. The other person deserves a shot at happiness, and children deserve parents who want to be together.

[Rcm58]

I so agree with you, if as young adults we could know that all parents really want is for their kids to be truly happy and that the humility you would suffer calling it off would be overlooked in the near future, so much unhappiness would be spared in the long run...it would be so much easier for all.

[Huckleberry3911948]

"going thru with it anyway" is the classic story of hamlet. he knew from the get go it was bad stuff he put it off as long as he could. he still had to deal with it.
i like getting my ugly dealt with right up front, it wont get any better later. the good news is sounds like you now know you made a mistake. so pick the time and place of your next battle.

[crazyworld]

Personally I think it has to do with the times. I got married in the 70's...Back then people didn't live together and there were so many taboos.
My husband and I were friends at 16, got married at 21, had our first child at 24. We were young, but back then, that was much more mature than today's 21.
The first year was hard because we really didn't know what to expect..everything we learned, we learned together which today makes it special.
Yes, we both had butterflies but that was nerves not doom and gloom.
Fast forward, we are now 52 years old, married 30 years have 2 grown kids, 2 grandkids and we are still young enough to have a blast together and we do. Today we are still each other's best friend. It is not an easy road but a road worth taking and worth struggling for and I am glad I took the journey.

So yes, butterflies are okay..............................