Talking about your relationship or sex-life problems on a forum: Healthy, or a betrayal? (date, wife)
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This came up in a few threads, lately, and I think it deserves some real discussion.
Several posters have made comments that it is always a betrayal to post about your problems in a relationship, or in your sex life with a particular person.
To me this seems bizarre. I certainly take note of how people post about their partners -- do they do it with consideration for privacy, leaving out details that might be embarrassing or getting the partner's permission to post them, do they have an attitude of respect and admiration for their partner or to they seem to be simmering with resentment, or patronising, etc.?
But when a person describes the problems with respect and with compassion for their partner's point of view, I think such discussion is healthy! In fact, I will not date someone who doesn't have people, preferably IRL as well as online, they can talk to about difficulties in the relationship. I think outside points of view, and people to vent to, are essential.
That guy in the '(hetero)' thread, for example. If his wife tells him he is bad in bed, is he going to listen? Heck, no. He as already decided the problem is all her, and that all women hate sex. But if 20 people on the internet tell him otherwise, some of them men, there's a possibility that he might.
So what do you think? Always a betrayal? Sometimes, but depends on tone?
I'm extremely intentional and selective in what I share on any forum, as I know that irrespective of what anyone on here thinks, I have a boyfriend to whom I am accountable, and whom I love and respect.
There definitely are posters on C-D who air their dirty laundry and post very invasive, embarrassing things concerning their relationships and their partners. Is it betrayal? To some extent, I believe it is...especially if these things are said with criticism and derisiveness, and the partner/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/FBW, or whatever you want to call it, is completely oblivious to what's going on in their minds.
My general rule of thumb is to never berate or voice my frustrations with my wife here on the forum. I generally will only say positive things about her here, or when I am talking about problems we've had I will only discuss resolved issues and not current issues. These I reserve for her and I to sort out together and I do not consider them the business of this forum. Furthermore, while I respect the opinions of several of the regulars around here, I know how threads devolve on this forum and do nor wish for my wife and I to be the subject of sophomoric debate.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
If his wife tells him he is bad in bed, is he going to listen? Heck, no. He as already decided the problem is all her, and that all women hate sex. But if 20 people on the internet tell him otherwise, some of them men, there's a possibility that he might.
Well, in this case, the problem is he is dense. The person he should be listening to is his wife. So, I'm not sure the chorus of 20 more people will change anything.
Not that you asked, but I would say, there is a difference between being bad in bed and not being compatible. I run into it a fair amount. Yeah, often there is middle ground and there should be give in take, but it happens that people are just on different pages completely. Oddly, they often seem to be married!
I think it depends. Sometimes people get frustrated and need to vent or get fresh perspectives especially when they cant communicate the issue effectively with their spouse. If the details are left out and you are on an anonymous forum I don't see it as a betrayal anymore than speaking to a professional or your bff. Bashing your partner publically on something like FB where people actually know you is a different story.
Well, in this case, the problem is he is dense. The person he should be listening to is his wife. So, I'm not sure the chorus of 20 more people will change anything.
Not that you asked, but I would say, there is a difference between being bad in bed and not being compatible. I run into it a fair amount. Yeah, often there is middle ground and there should be give in take, but it happens that people are just on different pages completely. Oddly, they often seem to be married!
He was getting back at his wife here on City Data because she was on Facebook and he found out. He just "Let it all Out!" It embarrassed him because he thought they were doing better since counseling. So, basically he was proving a point to himself.. I guess.
You know, people are different. It's pretty simple. If it is not working.. get out. A person doesn't really need to come here and vent, so they can equal the impact of what someone else did in a different way. If they are having sex, six times a year... it's just a matter of time, but it doesn't really concern anyone here and there is nothing anyone can do about it except give him some advise. This was just a public way at getting back at his wife.
As far myself posting something about my sex life, so far I hadn't done that and I really don't have that problem.. In other words, there is the door Jack. Use it!
For some it is the first step in acceptance, For others it's reassurance and for some it's just venting frustrations.
People are anonymous here where as in "real life" they will have others being tangled in there personal business.
It's not hard to understand why some may choose to share here.
As for betrayal?
When that person is completely aware of their issues and still fights doing anything about them in favor of hate speech and argument on the internet....it's not only a betrayal to themselves, but a betrayal to their SO.
Last edited by rego00123; 04-10-2014 at 12:00 PM..
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Here you can be faceless and talk about your business. I think sharing it here is healthy rather than sharing it with friends where word will go around.
I've talked about some aspects of my relationship on here and other forums, chiefly because it has caused me major amounts of dismay and I've got nobody to vent to. I see no problem with this, as it is totally anonymous.
But some things - sex, especially - are not for public discussion or consumption, anonymous or not.
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