Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hi, English is not my 1st language so sorry for bad writing and long post. i need help and advice/opinions...
We are a couple for 14 months. She just turned 28, Im still 27 and we live pretty close – cca 12 kilometers apart. We both lived at home with parents and grandparents till now. My grandparents made reconstruction of their house so now I have my own apartment in the house which is separated (I have my own entrance). I love my gf and we had great 1st year together but after that we have had a crisis.
For the last couple of months she has been extremely busy – she has a job and after the job she is working on a project - found raising and collecting food for poor people… that’s great and all - I also helped her a lot but after few weeks we just lost connection because she didn’t take time for relationship/for us/for me. She neglected our relationship, we barely had any time alone – whenever we saw each other - there were other people around. I wasn’t fussy because I know how much this means to her and that she is busy but it went too far. She didn’t even invite me to her home for almost a month during that period. Her parents was asking her if we broke up since they didn’t see me so long and she just said ‘we see each other when he helped me with my project (at least twice per week).'
In the last 4 months she came to my place TWICE (i might add that she didnt come to my place for 3 months - not even ONCE and remember we live 12 kilometers apart). Whenever I invited her she never had time and other things were more important. Before that she was coming to my (parents) place cca once per week or maybe twice. So after that period was over it was better but we lost connection I think. It wasn’t the same. I think she also felt I was unhappy. Our sex life struggled too - didnt have sex for weeks. So not long ago she accepted a new job (working for weekends till night) so I was expressing my concern since her schedule makes her work that much. I didn’t want things like that to repeat.
So i said ‘how its gonna be between us in the future since it was bad already now?’ She got angry and an argument followed. I said im not happy with with our sex life and her not having any time and she said ‘you reap what you sow’ (or something similar in my language). She said when I was buying a closet for my new place (she was with me) that I was looking at a closet which was appearantly small in her eyes and said ‘its big enough for me’. She said that was a moment she realized I do not see her in the future and will not invite her to move in with me. The thing is we have never ever discussed a topic about moving in together and I have also never even thought about it since she didnt come to my place for more then a month that time! She has also never liked sleep overs at my parent house and never spent a full weekend (she always went back home the next day till noon). She said how everyone was expecting me to invite her to move in with me – that her parents were wondering why i didnt do it and how strange is that… I have never been so deep in the relationship (never moved in with anyone) but I have always thought that the normal way a girl moves in with her boyfriend is by spending so much time at his place, especially sleeping over that its more convenient to just move in, than having to drive back to her place to get stuff and then to work.
She said our relationship is going nowhere and that im not thinking like an adult. Its like she is disappointed I cant read her mind. I can relate to her and kinda understand her - she is 28, living at home, her bio clock is ticking… but she should communicate this wishes to me in my opinion, and not waiting for me to say it. I told her i wish her to move in if thats what she wants and that i have always saw her in the future… but she was so mad/moody and nothing that I said was right. She was only expecting invitation but never telling me and at the same time she was being so distant and neglecting our relationship – not even come to see my place for 3 months (1 month since I moved in) – like she doesnt give a f**k. When i was going home i was devastated by this, thinking to myself I made a huge mistake and i should know better but after a while i think she has been pretty unfair to me about the whole situation. She neglected us, came to my place twice in 4 months (sleep over ONCE) and then expecting from me to invite her to move in… In my mind relationship was nowhere near the stage of moving in together. I think we just broke up…
First I was thinking she wanted you to pursue her more. But it looks like you did.
I almost think she either met someone else or just drifted away from the relationship.
My reaction to this is that she's not a good communicator at all. It's like she expects you to read her mind. And it makes no sense that she's been waiting for you to invite her to move in all this time, when she was the one who seemed to be avoiding you, or was too busy to see you. Why would you ask her to move in, when she was too busy for you? How were you to know if she still was interested in you at all?
Also, it's not a good sign that she reacted with anger when you raised the question about how her new schedule would affect the relationship. You were doing the right thing--raising an important question for discussion. And instead of discussing it, she got angry. Again--she's not a good communicator. She shuts down communication or turns it into a fight, when you raise a concern for discussion.
And by the way, she can get her own closet, or you could buy one together. This is nonsense, her complaint about the closet.
I don't think this is the girl for you. Aside from not allowing communication about important matters to happen, she seems to be all about her, and doesn't think of you very much. For example, she does whatever she wants, taking on new projects or a demanding work schedule, without consulting you about how the project will take time away from the two of you, for awhile. No matter how her decisions affect the relationship, she does what she wants without thinking how you might feel about it. Also, she turns a simple thing like shopping for a closet into some kind of rejection of her. She can't be happy that you have your own place now, and are buying furniture for it. She can only think of herself at what should be a happy time for you. She neglects the relationship for months, but expects you to invite her to move in. She neglects the relationship, then blames you for the fact that it's going nowhere.
You are to blame for everything, nothing is ever her fault, and she has no obligation to discuss any of her decisions that affect the relationship and result in its going nowhere.
Do you need this in your life? Find someone who's happy to be with you, and who understands what it takes for a relationship to go smoothly--communication. Sharing decisions, deciding things together. Discussing one's expectations for the relationship, not expecting the partner to be a mind-reader.
I think you should agree with her, that the relationship is going nowhere, she basically abandoned it, so you're going to look for someone who wants to build a relationship with you together.
It sounds like she is definitely more focused on her work than a relationship, and it sounds like, correctly or incorrectly, she assumed that your relationship wasn't that serious or going anywhere and made the executive decision to focus on work instead.
It sounds like she is definitely more focused on her work than a relationship, and it sounds like, correctly or incorrectly, she assumed that your relationship wasn't that serious or going anywhere and made the executive decision to focus on work instead.
OK, this could be it, OP. I just saw that you've been together 14 months, and only in the last 2 months has she been very busy. So in light of this, it's possible that she assumed you'd invite her to move in when you got your own apartment (after your parents remodeled the house). You'd been together for about a year then. Had you been seeing each other often, during that year? Was the relationship "going somewhere" during that time? It does sound as though she felt rejected when you moved into the apartment without her, so she decided to busy herself with other things.
Still, she should have discussed this with you! She should have told you what was on her mind, instead of basically walking away from the relationship. You were probably expecting that she would be coming to your place more often, once you got the apartment, and that after that, things would take their natural course, meaning that she would move in at some point. Instead, she expected that you'd ask her to move in immediately.
My reaction to this is that she's not a good communicator at all. It's like she expects you to read her mind. And it makes no sense that she's been waiting for you to invite her to move in all this time, when she was the one who seemed to be avoiding you, or was too busy to see you. Why would you ask her to move in, when she was too busy for you? How were you to know if she still was interested in you at all?
Also, it's not a good sign that she reacted with anger when you raised the question about how her new schedule would affect the relationship. You were doing the right thing--raising an important question for discussion. And instead of discussing it, she got angry. Again--she's not a good communicator. She shuts down communication or turns it into a fight, when you raise a concern for discussion.
And by the way, she can get her own closet, or you could buy one together. This is nonsense, her complaint about the closet.
I don't think this is the girl for you. Aside from not allowing communication about important matters to happen, she seems to be all about her, and doesn't think of you very much. For example, she does whatever she wants, taking on new projects or a demanding work schedule, without consulting you about how the project will take time away from the two of you, for awhile. No matter how her decisions affect the relationship, she does what she wants without thinking how you might feel about it. Also, she turns a simple thing like shopping for a closet into some kind of rejection of her. She can't be happy that you have your own place now, and are buying furniture for it. She can only think of herself at what should be a happy time for you. She neglects the relationship for months, but expects you to invite her to move in. She neglects the relationship, then blames you for the fact that it's going nowhere.
You are to blame for everything, nothing is ever her fault, and she has no obligation to discuss any of her decisions that affect the relationship and result in its going nowhere.
Do you need this in your life? Find someone who's happy to be with you, and who understands what it takes for a relationship to go smoothly--communication. Sharing decisions, deciding things together. Discussing one's expectations for the relationship, not expecting the partner to be a mind-reader.
I think you should agree with her, that the relationship is going nowhere, she basically abandoned it, so you're going to look for someone who wants to build a relationship with you together.
Ruth has amended her position somewhat, after Tabula Rasa's excellent and insightful post. But still, there are clear issues about communication. The OP could try to approach his (ex?) gf, and suggest that they make more of an effort to communicate and share their expectations of the relationship, as he genuinely didn't know she was expecting to move in as soon as the apartment was built. But we know how she'd respond: anger, and blaming. So with someone like that, a long-term relationship isn't possible. One needs someone who's open to discussing any concerns that come up. There's no reason for anger. And it's clear that she would never take responsibility for her failure to communicate her expectations. She would never admit that she'd made a big assumption about something so important to the relationship.
In view of this, I don't see a future for this couple.
OK, this could be it, OP. I just saw that you've been together 14 months, and only in the last 2 months has she been very busy. So in light of this, it's possible that she assumed you'd invite her to move in when you got your own apartment (after your parents remodeled the house). You'd been together for about a year then. Had you been seeing each other often, during that year? Was the relationship "going somewhere" during that time? It does sound as though she felt rejected when you moved into the apartment without her, so she decided to busy herself with other things.
Still, she should have discussed this with you! She should have told you what was on her mind, instead of basically walking away from the relationship. You were probably expecting that she would be coming to your place more often, once you got the apartment, and that after that, things would take their natural course, meaning that she would move in at some point. Instead, she expected that you'd ask her to move in immediately.
I didnt even think about it to be honest. How can I? She wasnt there for the whole month (at the time we were buying closet), never took time for me, i felt neglected... and then she didnt come for 2 more months... not to mention she always had hard time taking a time to come and sleep over. Before that i was home alone for weekends - she came like once or max twice per month. Was also never bothered by the lack of sexual relationship. I thought she will come more often once apartment will be ready and then if things were great we will move in together. not out of the blue... im afraid this 'mistake' might just cost me the only/first girl I ever loved... ://
She is very giving woman not a gold digger and i know her parents - i believe and see how they were discussing about how i didnt invite her to move in. I know she was disappointed because i felt right then that something was off and she was distant and moody for couple more weeks after that but never said a word! thats not fair either. Damn... i feel bad.
I didnt even think about it to be honest. How can I? She wasnt there for the whole month (at the time we were buying closet), never took time for me, i felt neglected... and then she didnt come for 2 more months... I thought she will come more often once apartment will be ready and then if things were great we will move in together. not out of the blue... im afraid this 'mistake' might just cost me the only/first girl I ever loved... ://
She is very giving woman not a gold digger and i know her parents - i believe and see how they were discussing about how i didnt invite her to move in. I know she was disappointed because i felt right then that something was off and she was distant and moody for couple more weeks after that but never said a word! thats not fair either. Damn... i feel bad.
Aww, don't blame yourself, OP. Men and women need to communicate in order to avoid misunderstandings. Be aware that she bears the responsibility for not saying anything about her expectations. Of course if you were to ask about this, she would say "We'd been together a whole year! It's a normal thing after being together for so long!!" (read: you should have known). There's no placating someone like this. And look at how easily she has cast you aside. It means she never really loved you. If she were truly in love with you, she'd want to work things out. (Sorry for these sad words.)
I think some of this is due to a lack of maturity and lack of relationship experience on her part. With many people, it takes some experience to realize that it's not fair to expect others to be mind-readers, and that one needs to speak up and be open about expectations and problems.
And it's odd that already, as the apartment was being built, she didn't see you for a month. So the problem didn't relate entirely to the new apartment; she had started to pull away even before then, I gather from what you say. This means she was unhappy about something long before the apartment was complete.
In any case, you're learning that there's much more to having a successful relationship than just getting along, and having fun together. So much more. Long-term, especially in marriage, there will be difficult times. You need someone who is open to discussing difficulties, and who can discuss things without blowing up. So, even though you thought this was a wonderful person, you discovered that she's lacking some important ingredients to relationship success. The breakup was not your fault.
I hope this helps, at least a little, in your sadness. Best wishes for the future.
Thank you for kind words, but i still got a bad taste in my mouth. I think I played my part somehow so things went wrong. to think back - 6 months ago we were so happy and into each other and now she is gone, vanished. I saw myself with her and she saw us together back then - i know that.
Also:
Before i moved in and was still working on my place she said i should tell her if i need help. I did twice when I was painting my new apartment – she didnt come the 1st time because they were re-painting her parents home at the same day and 2nd time she didnt come because night before (helloween) we were out having drinks and she was hung over the next day. She was able to go to cemetery with family members (1st November) but was too hangover to come and help me with painting even though we agreed she will come 3 days before. i didnt ask for help since... I mean… I was disappointed. Not to mention that i helped painting her room few months back!
Its like she was expecting from me so much but i cant read her mind and her actions speaks opposite of what she wants. She didnt come for 3 months!
Friends and family told me that what she told me doesnt even make sense, some friends said that was bull**** and there is no logic behind but they are all people who love me and try to make me feel better. We have crisis for last 3 months -argue alot – i wasnt happy that she neglected our relationship, with sex live, with our energy in relationship…
I felt that something was not right – gut feeling when we were buying a closet… she was distant and moody for the whole month after that.
When she finally come after 3 months I was making fun of her (not too much) like: 'Will you come again?' 'I hopeyou ll come again soon' etc... she was angry saying how can she come with joy when im making fun of her all the time about how she doesnt come. I said where do you think that came from? She said 'i know i fu**ed up (not having time for us) and that she apologized to me (she never did)... She said she didnt have time and she felt bad about my parents since she was not at my house for such a long time… I mean 3 months and we live 12 km apart.
It just doesnt make sense. I mean… Is this love? maybe it was once but this cant be... :/
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
But still, there are clear issues about communication. The OP could try to approach his (ex?) gf, and suggest that they make more of an effort to communicate and share their expectations of the relationship, as he genuinely didn't know she was expecting to move in as soon as the apartment was built. But we know how she'd respond: anger, and blaming. So with someone like that, a long-term relationship isn't possible. One needs someone who's open to discussing any concerns that come up. There's no reason for anger. And it's clear that she would never take responsibility for her failure to communicate her expectations. She would never admit that she'd made a big assumption about something so important to the relationship. 
