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Also: We had arguments before or misunderstandings but she never acted like this (maybe only once couple months back when she was drunk and i ignored her because of her behavior and when i want to discussed later she was still little drunk and angry so she refused to talk and said 'i dont care' and 'fu*k yu' that was the first time she said something like that to me because she was so angry but it was partly my guilt too so i let it go...).
I always brought an issue up (whenever something really bothered me - about sexual relationship, about her priorities) and she was always calm and willing to talk...She never talked about what bother her - always let me guess it and soem things I still dont know till this day...
To think about our last argument - i think she wanted an argument and she wanted a breakup.
She said how i was always making fun of my (ex)best friend - we were friends for 20 years and was a friend since childhood - we were really best friends and he cut me (and other mutual friends) out of his life agfter he met a girl, made her pregnant after just 6 months together and now they live at her apartment (he did all the leg work, she just had a place from parents si he invested all money and energy to make it work). I havent heard from him for 3 months and we havent go for a beer for more then a year - he cut me out like nothing. I was hurt so i often told my gf how dont understand him and i could never be like him - irresponsible and so quick in life decisions. She never commented on that.
But when we had an argument she said i was always making fun of my best friend and how i should think/act similar to him and that im not thinking like an adult even though we are 28 and together more then a year.
She also said personal things to me that she has never mentioned to me before during whole time together - that im too predictable (i understand boring), im too cautious, i plan everything too much... how I always think about everything and that Im never spontaneous. Whatever I said was wrong.
When I told her i still wish her to come and move in if thats what she wants she was not interested like she doesnt want to believe me. I said why do you think i bought sucj a big bed (it really is big) and she said that doesbt mean anything and she has big one too because you sleep better on it... when i said why i bought such a large blanket and 2 really good (expensive) pillows she said, she has 2 pillows too and it doesnt mean anything. Whatever I said was wrong so i think her intention was a break up after this argument. She has had it with me... She talked with me almost with no emotions (she only had red eyes from time to time) which hurt me a lot. Today Im a mess, im pretty sick since i lost the love of my live so far and since im asking myself and wondering how much my actions influence her decision after last couple of months...
I think its really unfair to say all that things to me and never while we were still together. how can i solve problems/ be better at something and make some adjustments if she never ever talks to me what bothers her? It fu*cking unfair!
it's gonna hurt, especially right now. Only time and distance can heal, it may also start to help u see things more clearly, and how u werent in the wrong
Original Poster it might not hurt if you would quit making sex the priority of your relationship.
When you have written that you want to discuss something you are unhappy with or her moving in it has started with
"When I want to discuss something I am not happy with (sex, lack of sex, etc.) or why do you think I bought such a big bed so you could move in".
You are not focused on her and your relationship with her, you are focused on her and how much sex you can have with her.
If I were her I would have already walked away and never looked back.
I wonder if you really even know her enough to like her for who she is not how much sex she can provide you.
Tell me how sex was a priority in our relationship when we havent had sex for weeks!? And not just at the end. I think we had sex ONCE PER MONTH on average since we did not live together. And i was with her for more then a year! With that amount of sex its obvious I was not with her because of sex, dont you think? And i wasnt pressuring her even for weeks from time to time.
Do you think i should be happy with the lack of sex?
For me sex in a relationship isn't just 'quenching a thirst', it's an expression of love, intimacy, affection...as well as showing that your partner is attractive and sexy to you. Not having it is killing my self esteem and makes me feel unwanted, unloved and unappreciated.
Last edited by zelodko87; 05-13-2015 at 12:43 PM..
OP, I think you're right; she wanted a breakup. She apparently decided you're not her type; too predictable, not spontaneous enough, etc. That might explain why she was becoming distant even before your apartment was built. Apparently it wasn't so much about the fact that you didn't ask her to move in with you, because she was already busy and seeing you much less often before that. So it was nothing you did wrong, in my opinion. When the relationship was new, everything was wonderful. Then the halo effect began to wear off for her, and she started noticing things about you that she didn't like. Maybe. She began to think it wasn't a good match, after all. And she kept these thoughts to herself.
Sorry, OP. This is the way it goes, sometimes. But I really think she wasn't the right person for you. Give yourself time to grieve this loss, then move on, with some new wisdom gained from this experience. Have you talked to your parents about this? That might help you process your feelings.
Told them almost everything, intimate things too (about the lack of sex) and of course i get only responses that dont hurt me which is nice but at the same time i know they dont want to hurt me and tell me that i made mistake here and there... Thats why i opened this thread to get objective opinions from outside.
Told them almost everything, intimate things too (about the lack of sex) and of course i get only responses that dont hurt me which is nice but at the same time i know they dont want to hurt me and tell me that i made mistake here and there... Thats why i opened this thread to get objective opinions from outside.
Well, I don't think you did make a mistake. You keep looking for someone to tell you that you screwed up, but you didn't. Just once, you said you were upset that she didn't see you for a month, so you made some sarcastic remarks, like, "Will you be coming over, now?" But that's not a major mistake that would cause the breakup. My understanding is that, with rare exception, you always tried to discuss the problems that were causing your disappointment, or your feeling of hurt/rejection, and so on. There's not much more you can do. You can't be a mind-reader. It's her responsibility to tell you what's on her mind, and what she's not happy with. I think your parents weren't just being nice or gentle with you. The truth is, you pretty much did nothing wrong. In the end, it wasn't a good match. Sometimes breakups aren't anyone's fault. The couple's personalities simply don't work well. Even though things were happy the first 6 months, in the longer term, it turned out not to be a good match.
Don't beat yourself up about it. These things happen.
I see that you are now broken up. Is she the one who called it quits? Also, before you broke up, did you ever ask her to move in with you? That was the problem.
I think your intuition is correct. You were excited to have your own place, and you sort of assumed things between you might just continue. She on the other hand, was feeling left out, and decided that shes show you how it feels by just getting even busier.
I think she is giving you mixed messages....pouting because you weren't planning even your apartment around a relationship with her....and reacting to her own perceptions of being slighted....like the closet issue.
You are at an impasse....You both feel hurt and neglected...But at least you have tried to discuss this with her to make it better.
I think that you should move on because she seems like the type person that you will not be able to please, because she does not say to you what she wants....she seems to prefer to just complain after you make your decision...still faulting you for not guessing what she wants.....
Take care of you...that is all that you can do. A relationship should evolve naturally, with mutual caring and concern for the others feelings. I think you may need to take some space and see what happens. You might find someone else that wants to invest in a mutual relationship. Good luck to you
I see that you are now broken up. Is she the one who called it quits? Also, before you broke up, did you ever ask her to move in with you? That was the problem.
She dumped me. Yes, I said I have always saw her in the future and if moving in is what she wants im down for it. But it was too late - 3 months went by and during that time resentment built on the both sides and some other issues begun. It was too late because moving in was not the only problem anymore... Her new job - her busy schedule, me feeling neglected because i was never a priority for her but she wants her to be my number 1 and doestn want anything less, energy in the relationship was not the same anymore, i think we both lost emotional connection to each other.
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