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I am only thinking about this/considering it. Entertaining the question as it were. I've never done anything like this before, but I am starting to ask, "why not think about it?" I am just looking for feedback and opinions.
First, a little background.
I am sick and tired of dating. I've been trying to date for two years now with little success. I keep meeting married men, run of the mill jerks, or men who are just not right in the head (this ranges from a gambit of "crazier than a bag of cats and scares me" to "guy I met online that thinks I am his soul mate, yet if too nervous to meet me so all we do is message and talk on the phone.")
Anyway, I've asked male friends what's wrong that I attract these kinds of people, but the best answer they can give me is I am not a typical woman. They say they think married guys are attracted to me because I seem "fun" and at the same time they say serous guys avoid me because I seem too "fun" / seem like one of the guys. They make suggestions that essentially have me completely changing who I am (or lying about who I am). But I think either of those is absurd. I am not going to change or present myself as someone I am not.
It's just emotionally draining and I get nowhere. I am taking a break from it all (not giving up, just want to take a year or so "off the market" to recharge my batteries). That's why I am considering FWB.
So anyway, there is one man who is at least sane and pretty much a nice guy. He has a few issues that stem from past relationships that make him a bit commitment phobic and sometimes bitter--but overall he's a "good guy". But he likes me, likes to be around me, and seems to be sexually attracted to me and we get along pretty well. We've been friends for years. I used to have a thing for him, we dated, and I tried a relationship with him, but he started acting like a panicked horse (commitment issues) as soon as things got more serious and it quickly died out. I still like him, and I am still attracted to him, and he is attentive in bed. But I've completely lost interest in ever being in a real relationship with him: he's just not emotionally reliable. The idea of it doesn't appeal to me anymore.
My idea is to propose being friends with benefits with this guy. We would still hang out together and have sex, but to all the world we'd just be friends and there would be no future commitment. I am trying to figure out the pros and cons. Pros would be regular sex with someone I trust not to hurt me and getting to go out and having (quasi) romantic companionship every now and then. He gets regular sex and doesn't have to commit to anyone. Best I can tell the cons include increased risk of STDs and "he won't respect me."
On the STD thing, this guy isn't exactly a Don Juan. He hasn't had a girlfriend or date (other than briefly dating me) in eight and a half years. He's a workaholic and doesn't get out. He's also nervous around women. He's an average looking guy... I think he's handsome in a rugged sort of way--his look works for me. He seems to think he's ugly though. My point is, I don't think he would sleep around and I wonder if he even "can" sleep around given his schedule and hangups. I was also thinking one of my conditions of FWB would be that if either of us starts seeing or sleeping with someone else, we let the other know. I think he'd honor that... of course, that would also mean the FWB is over. If I meet someone like that, I am going to try for a "real" relationship again... and if he meets someone he won't need me and I won't want to deal with having sex with a man who has another woman in his life.
The "he won't respect me" thing I don't get. All these websites about FWB warn that a man won't respect you after you've been in that kind of relationship with him. That seems to be the biggest "fear." What I don't get is why does it matter? Who cares if he respects me or not? I don't need his respect. So I am unclear why that's even an issue. Maybe that's more of a warning for women who are hoping a FWB will grow into something more... but I am not in that boat. I already tried and failed at the "something more" with this man. Besides, when I thought we were in a budding relationship, I already had sex with him. So that's kind of a done deal now anyway.
I told him that I understand his commitment issues and am not going to be asking for that ever again, but asked if he would consider still "casually dating" (haven't thrown in the sex/FWB part yet). I offered to talk to him on the phone about it, but he would rather I come see him (so I am hoping that means he's seriously considering it and not wasting my time and money by asking me to fly out there just to tell me "no" to my face).
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Holy analysis. I think you might be the type to overthink things too much. You seem prone to analyzing things too much to be able to just enjoy it.
Every FWB that's worked out for me (gone on for years) have been ones that just happened. We hooked up naturally, had sex, liked it, so kept on doing it. We stopped when we dated others. Sometimes picked it back up. Other times it didn't start up again.
It isn't something to over think. They just happen.
Holy analysis. I think you might be the type to overthink things too much. You seem prone to analyzing things too much to be able to just enjoy it.
Every FWB that's worked out for me (gone on for years) have been ones that just happened. We hooked up naturally, had sex, liked it, so kept on doing it. We stopped when we dated others. Sometimes picked it back up. Other times it didn't start up again.
It isn't something to over think. They just happen.
I've got to agree here. Just go with the flow, if you don't like the situation then stop, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then don't start.
I am only thinking about this/considering it. Entertaining the question as it were. I've never done anything like this before, but I am starting to ask, "why not think about it?" I am just looking for feedback and opinions.
First, a little background.
I am sick and tired of dating. I've been trying to date for two years now with little success. I keep meeting married men, run of the mill jerks, or men who are just not right in the head (this ranges from a gambit of "crazier than a bag of cats and scares me" to "guy I met online that thinks I am his soul mate, yet if too nervous to meet me so all we do is message and talk on the phone.")
Anyway, I've asked male friends what's wrong that I attract these kinds of people, but the best answer they can give me is I am not a typical woman. They say they think married guys are attracted to me because I seem "fun" and at the same time they say serous guys avoid me because I seem too "fun" / seem like one of the guys. They make suggestions that essentially have me completely changing who I am (or lying about who I am). But I think either of those is absurd. I am not going to change or present myself as someone I am not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
My idea is to propose being friends with benefits with this guy. We would still hang out together and have sex, but to all the world we'd just be friends and there would be no future commitment. I am trying to figure out the pros and cons. Pros would be regular sex with someone I trust not to hurt me and getting to go out and having (quasi) romantic companionship every now and then. He gets regular sex and doesn't have to commit to anyone. Best I can tell the cons include increased risk of STDs and "he won't respect me."
On the STD thing, this guy isn't exactly a Don Juan. He hasn't had a girlfriend or date (other than briefly dating me) in eight and a half years. He's a workaholic and doesn't get out. He's also nervous around women. He's an average looking guy... I think he's handsome in a rugged sort of way--his look works for me. He seems to think he's ugly though. My point is, I don't think he would sleep around and I wonder if he even "can" sleep around given his schedule and hangups. I was also thinking one of my conditions of FWB would be that if either of us starts seeing or sleeping with someone else, we let the other know. I think he'd honor that... of course, that would also mean the FWB is over. If I meet someone like that, I am going to try for a "real" relationship again... and if he meets someone he won't need me and I won't want to deal with having sex with a man who has another woman in his life.
Given your evaluation, I think it's fair to say that you won't have to worry too much about it. Would you plan on sleeping with other people (or at least being open to the idea?) I know you mention that it's on the table, but in practice...do you really see it happening? If not, then tread carefully, as your post kind of has a tone of "you wish you could have more, but circumstances aren't allowing for it".
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
The "he won't respect me" thing I don't get. All these websites about FWB warn that a man won't respect you after you've been in that kind of relationship with him. That seems to be the biggest "fear." What I don't get is why does it matter? Who cares if he respects me or not? I don't need his respect. So I am unclear why that's even an issue. Maybe that's more of a warning for women who are hoping a FWB will grow into something more... but I am not in that boat. I already tried and failed at the "something more" with this man. Besides, when I thought we were in a budding relationship, I already had sex with him. So that's kind of a done deal now anyway.
This is one of those things about men that I never understood. To me, it seems ridiculous to not respect a woman for this kind of decision, but I hear it from other guys all the time. But as you said, "who cares"?
I didn't read the whole post, but the advice to just roll with it, do it if it feels OK, and don't (or stop) if it doesn't is pretty simple, and IMO correct.
I'm a guy, did the "casual dating" thing for a while. Was dating a girl who was supposed to be nothing more than FWB/FB. We had enough fun together, that 10 months later, we are exclusive and enjoying it. My point is just keep an open mind to ANYTHING. Maybe you'll have fun and some good sex, maybe you'll learn more about yourself, maybe it will work out with this guy, or another.
The key is to enjoy the here and now. I am not advising to go out on a sex-spree. I am just saying do what feels right. If it doesn't feel right, do something else. It takes some trial and error to find your "place" in the dating world. At least it did for me....
Holy analysis. I think you might be the type to overthink things too much. You seem prone to analyzing things too much to be able to just enjoy it.
Every FWB that's worked out for me (gone on for years) have been ones that just happened. We hooked up naturally, had sex, liked it, so kept on doing it. We stopped when we dated others. Sometimes picked it back up. Other times it didn't start up again.
It isn't something to over think. They just happen.
I completely agree with you. All my friends with benefits have been very organic. No strings attached, a nice roll in the hay and no great emotional attachment. I think if you want to do it you should just run with it without all the hand wringing analysis. It's not that big a deal trust me.
Holy analysis. I think you might be the type to overthink things too much. You seem prone to analyzing things too much to be able to just enjoy it.
Every FWB that's worked out for me (gone on for years) have been ones that just happened. We hooked up naturally, had sex, liked it, so kept on doing it. We stopped when we dated others. Sometimes picked it back up. Other times it didn't start up again.
It isn't something to over think. They just happen.
On the over thinking... yeah, I am prone to that. It's just the way my mind works. LOL, a friend of mine says he's the same way and that's why he goes home and has a scotch every evening... to slow his mind down. He told me I should consider "taking up Scotch."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hivemind31
Given your evaluation, I think it's fair to say that you won't have to worry too much about it. Would you plan on sleeping with other people (or at least being open to the idea?) I know you mention that it's on the table, but in practice...do you really see it happening? If not, then tread carefully, as your post kind of has a tone of "you wish you could have more, but circumstances aren't allowing for it".
This is one of those things about men that I never understood. To me, it seems ridiculous to not respect a woman for this kind of decision, but I hear it from other guys all the time. But as you said, "who cares"?
No, pretty much if he starts sleeping with other people, I am done. I just don't like the idea of sharing a man (my own personal hang-up I suppose) and frankly, he won't need me anymore so there is no point. If I get to the point where I want to have sex with someone else, it's because I see him as long-term relationship material and I would end the FWB because that would be unfair to both men.
Didn't you essentially just have a FWB with the other guy that you flew to see, but wouldn't call you his GF?
In your soul-searching, have you really clarified what you want out of life? I don't mean to sound harsh but do you need sex that badly that you're willing to sleep with yet another friend? From what I've read of your posts, you seem to be looking for a genuine relationship with someone, and I'd quit trying to make your male friends fit that mold.
Didn't you essentially just have a FWB with the other guy that you flew to see, but wouldn't call you his GF?
In your soul-searching, have you really clarified what you want out of life? I don't mean to sound harsh but do you need sex that badly that you're willing to sleep with yet another friend? From what I've read of your posts, you seem to be looking for a genuine relationship with someone, and I'd quit trying to make your male friends fit that mold.
He's exactly who I am talking about--it's the same person/same friend. I thought we were in a budding relationship... everyone here told me I was essentially his FWB. I was hurt and I stopped seeing him, got over him, did that soul searching and I figured, "what the heck."
Well, maybe not so short as "what the heck" after you read my whole though process and all the crappy luck I've had with men. But that's what it boils down to. I eventually want a genuine relationship, but I am burnt out on that search and want to take a break--but still want to have fun every now and then and I know of a guy who seems willing to do that.
EDIT: From my perspective... I didn't have a single date from the time I was 19-to my mid 20s... then I met my now ex-husband who knew he was gay, but married me anyway for whatever reason... had a near sexless marriage for over 10 years... and now have been single/divorced for 4 years. I just want to have some fun while I am still (relatively) young. Besides, I have my doubts I will ever find a solid relationship at this point.
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But that's what it boils down to. I eventually want a genuine relationship, but I am burnt out on that search and want to take a break--but still want to have fun every now and then and I know of a guy who seems willing to do that. 
