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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
Yeah, well, you know what the road to hell is paved with.
Self aware, good and honest communicators?
Seriously, by my age (early 40s) most people seem to be able to adequately and honestly self assess and communicate. That is one of many reasons why dating gets better with age.
I don't mean to offend, but I think this is you missing my point. If there is misunderstanding, at any point in the relationship, then that means people didn't choose well, and/or didn't communicate well.
You saw the part where I said you refuse to date anyone who is looking for a serious relationship, right?
I am sorry if you have been hurt in the past, by someone who lied or just did not accurately predict his own feelings. But saying it is always that way is like refusing to ever drive a car because someone you know got in a crash once. Another option would be to wear a seatbelt and stay alert.
Mod cut.
Do you have any idea how many people start off with, "oh, no, I'm not looking for anything serious, either" but really harbor secret hopes of turning the rebounder into a real partner, with a real relationship, not just casual dating? Read the link I posted. The very nature of a rebound RELATIONSHIP is that the rebounder has his or her head up his or her arse and can't make good judgment calls because of the pain he or she is in, acts all boyfriend/girlfriend and NOT casual, and the buffer gets sucked in because he or she wants to be the savior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Self aware, good and honest communicators?
Seriously, by my age (early 40s) most people seem to be able to adequately and honestly self assess and communicate. That is one of many reasons why dating gets better with age.
True, with age. One would hope. But I've seen 50-year-olds do it, too. One is either a hot mess after a break-up or not. Or, like the fellow who rebounded on me and didn't tell me he was actually separated and not single until 6 weeks, not entirely honest. That's not my fault he lied. That was 20 years ago, though. Nothing for ol' Nila up there to be patronizing about, that's for sure.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 05-10-2014 at 08:53 AM..
Reason: Personal attack.
Both this thread, about an ex who wants to stay close friends with a woman he dated for 8 years and broke up with a year ago, and my recent ex's new rebound relationship after our own 7-year relationship ended a few months ago, have me thinking about rebounds, buffers, transitional partners, and so on.
I'm interested in hearing stories, and we don't see too much of this topic on here.
Have you ever had a rebound relationship where you were the rebounder (person fresh out of a long-term marriage or divorce)? How did it go, and how did it end?
Have you ever had a rebound relationship where you were the buffer (new flame)? How did it go, and how did it end?
What about transitional men or women? These might be people whom you dated after the end of a long-term relationship, but what you had with them was not a relationship. Maybe you went out with them once or twice a month, or every few months when one of you needed a date for an occasion, or you chose someone whose circumstances would prevent a full-on relationship.
Anyone experience all angles of this?
What are your thoughts on rebound relationships? Transitioning? Buffering?
I'll share mine later. Just wanted to get the conversation going.
I get that break-ups are hard, but how would it feel to be used as someone's "rebound, buffer or transitional" knowingly or unkowingly?
To me, the choice of the matter involves an ethical imperative in respecting other people's emotions, because a person who's a "rebound, buffer, or transitional" is not an object.
The act in itself is somewhat cowardly. To say the least.
Do you have any idea how many people start off with, "oh, no, I'm not looking for anything serious, either" but really harbor secret hopes of turning the rebounder into a real partner, with a real relationship, not just casual dating? :
I've never had a transitional partner but I have always had a buffer FWB, especially when I was younger. Just nice, casual, no strings attached but still cares about you type of guys. They make you feel attractive and it takes the sting out of a break up. I have no idea how they really came about but I used to have a huge circle of friends and relationships seemed much more fluid than they do now. I think the success of these buffer relationships lie within your personality and whether you get too attached or have higher expectations than the transitional thing warrants. Casual sex with a friend worked for me back then. Now? Even more so.
During a break-up in my 40s I did something similar, except he wasn't a friend before. I wasn't sure what I was looking for and me a younger guy from OLD, great guy but not someone I would want for a LTR, which I thought was perfect. I after dating him for awhile and getting to know him and his friends, I asked if it would be ok if we just did it as a FWB, and he was fine with that. There wasn't much difference except we knew we were both free to find someone who might be a better long term match. But he was fun and smart and always up for doing new things, it was just what I needed at that time.
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I get that break-ups are hard, but how would it feel to be used as someone's "rebound, buffer or transitional" knowingly or unkowingly?
To me, the choice of the matter involves an ethical imperative in respecting other people's emotions, because a person who's a "rebound, buffer, or transitional" is not an object.
The act in itself is somewhat cowardly. To say the least.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I get people being open and honest about not wanting anything serious or casual, but they need to go all the way with it and say why. I am up front and honest about that, and have and will say "friends or casual dating, just ended a relationship a few months ago, might be relocating in three months' time. This is just about going out and having good conversation."
That is clear, open, and honest, and if two people can meet each other's needs for companionship and know it's temporary because they are both in the same boat, fine.
But have you ever noticed how the rebounder--the one fresh out of the relationship--will often pick someone who has been single a while and is looking for a real relationship? It's almost like a form of emotional vampirism, where they need to drain someone else's love and affection in an attempt to replace or replenish the love and affection the ex took with them when they left.
I also wonder how much of this falls along gender lines. I sense that maybe men might be more open to being the one a woman gets under to get over someone else, because hey, sex. Women, not so much.
With the military fellow, I knew he couldn't give me a real relationship, and he knew I couldn't give him one. Even though I told him why I couldn't, that didn't even matter. The Air Force had plans for him on another continent. Logistically, it would have been impossible, so the matter was really out of our hands. Didn't hurt that we're both pragmatic people.
And the fact that he's a decent man and we still say hi on FB, and he wasn't some psycho or someone who would want to change the rules of engagement after initiation, really helped me. Like, "Lilac, despite all the upheaval, your judgment is still sound. You can still pick the good ones even though you're out of practice."
I know rebounds that ended up lasting longer than the relationship they were rebounding from. I'm not sure there is a science to this, sometimes people actually DO meet someone great right after another relationships ends. Hell, sometimes they meet them DURING the other relationship.
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