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Went through a horrible divorce with a narcissist so I am a lot more cautious about meeting someone new, so after some messages/emails I finally met up with this guy. I was not attracted to his physical looks in particular, but rather his character and our shared values/beliefs. He was attracted to me, and made time to hang out with me on the weekends (I only go there on the weekends) and hung out a few more times. I disclosed my divorce status on the first date, and he asked me a few questions about it on the second date, which made me slightly uncomfortable but I guess there was nothing wrong with people wanting to know more.
I keep looking for red flags, so I can walk away quicker this time if I have to. So far, I have not found any real red flags, except he really wanted to get in bed with me and I had to tell him to respect my boundary several times. I said I had to get to know you better before anything more to happen, and he said he would be OK with that if was short term, not long term. Also, he seems to withhold emotions, which is typical for a guy I guess but I fear that there is nothing under there. Any thoughts? I am just too far away from this dating scene to know what is what anymore.
Your withholding and he is withholding, each for your own reasons.
One of the biggest possible problems is not him, but that you have no attraction to him.
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why is that a train wreck? Maybe the guy went through a divorce or bitter break up and want's to have fun, without investing too much in emotions right away. How long ago was the divorce finalized, and how long were you married. If this was recently, the more you follow the traditional roles of men and women, the longer you will need to process the whole relationship and breakup. And during that time, it's highly advised not to get involved in a serious relationship. Right now you are already so cautious, you will be unable to let anyone in as easy as you may have when you first met your ex husband. It's been two dates, no need to over analyze the man. Look into the time it takes to get over a divorce.....
why is that a train wreck? Maybe the guy went through a divorce or bitter break up and want's to have fun, without investing too much in emotions right away.
That's fine, as long as he doesn't want to do that with her. They're not on the same page. That's what makes it a potential train wreck. She told him where she was at with that, and he kept pushing, and finally said he wasn't ok with her taking her time to get to know him before kicking things up a few notches. She needs to find someone who's ok with her boundaries, and he needs to find someone who's on the same page as him.
I can't be one to give any advice, as I have made a pile of mistakes lately and have my head up my arse 90% of the time, but I can share my experience which might help you in your decisions.
I just got out of a relationship with a man who did not respect my boundaries and it ended up in a disaster. Since it takes two to tango I know that it's also up to me to uphold and maintain my boundaries and leave when I sense someone won't respect them. I didn't do that and I seriously regret it. So here is my tale...
I met, what appeared to be, a nice man. We went on two dates. I was then really busy with work and needed to spend my energy there. I didn't have time to devote to a relationship and I wasn't quite ready for one either. This man continually pursued me despite me stating that I did not want to be pursued. He frequently said that he didn't want to wait for me, or that he would wear me down. He got really pushy. RED FLAG ONE
Instead of heeding the warning signs I thought this meant that he must really like me and want me, so I began to see him more often. He then began to make statements about my body, its size and how if I ever got fat he'd leave me, and how I needed bigger boobs. When I expressed my discomfort at this. He stated he was just joking. I felt super uncomfortable though, and knew that he really wasn't. RED FLAG TWO
At this point we had been together for a month, there were a stack of nice things that I decided were far more important to those two red flags, and despite my discomfort and feeling of being uncomfortable, I proceeded on. (big mistake on my part, HEED YOUR FEELINGS!! Feeling uncomfortable, and doubtful about a person says A LOT!)
Fast forward: We were together 5 months. In that time we moved in together. He continued to get more controlling, insecure, jealous, and pushy. He wanted to start a family right away, wanted me to quit my job and the list goes on. I never maintained my boundaries, I allowed him to steadily erode them until I was so uncomfortable and unhappy that I'm still reeling from it.
Luckily I left and am now getting my crap together.
End of my story.
Hope it helps in some way. All I can say is when you have that inner voice that tells you things, when you feel uncomfortable, that is you telling yourself CAUTION!!!! So listen to yourself because you're smarter than you think
No attraction? Character, values, and beliefs don't count?
I'd say the problem is he made it clear he has no interest in respecting her boundaries, and he told her what he was after. She should believe him.
If you don't want to do them, then you have made a friend.
The guy seemed reasonable and honest, if it is no sex over a short period then he is fine, if she is saying no sex over a long term that's not ok with him.
You want to punish him for being honest and upfront? If a couple is not interested sexually.... really, what's the point?
You can join a meetup group to make new friends.
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Thank you for chiming in! My divorce was finalized last year and I have done a lot of work to get my life back, and I feel balanced and happy right now. I am not sure what I am looking for at this moment actually, perhaps just more like testing the water than really seeking for a replacement for a partner. His intention, at least on the dating website, is for "short term and long term relationships".
About the short term vs long term thing, I just want to add a little bit more context. Personally I can understand where he was coming from, I probably would have said the same thing if I were him. I would not want to date someone I may never get intimate with. I said to him that "I don't know what are your expectations, but this is probably not going to work for you if you want intimacy soon. I hope you will still want to hang out with me, but I do need to get to know you and feel comfortable around you first." He said "I think so" and that he understood where I was coming from, short term was OK but not long term.
As far as other things go, I think we have a mutual understanding that we would get along really well as we are very compatible on many important aspects.
Seems like you are looking for red flags and any reason to ditch this guy. You do not like him much, please move on.
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