Getting over a 20 year marriage?

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by MerriMAC

Some couples are married 20 years. They keep up appearances of a loving marriage to others around them. Then all of a sudden they separate and divorce. About how long is the recovery period before these newly single people are able to fully move on into a healthy relationship?

I'm interested in someone who got out of a two decade marriage last year (divorce finalized). I don't want to be the rebound.

Keep her as a friend for now and wait for her to do the work she needs to do on herself.

If you get involved too soon you allow her to temporarily distract herself from the work, which will come back to bite you in the butt later on.

[newdixiegirl]

Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life

You never know.

As far as they are concerned, they could have been disconnected mentally and emotionally from their spouse for a decade and truly ready to move on.

You have no guarantees. There is no set timeline because relationships are as varied as the people in them. Even your new interest might not believe they are rebounding, but they might be.

All you can do is trust your gut.

Wmsn is right. Many, if not most, marriages that end do not end abruptly. They've been in a slow, steady (but perhaps steep) decline for years.

It's possible that your friend is completely over her marriage and has been living in a state of emotional limbo. And maybe YOU are the guy who's brought her out of it (at least a little) and helped her to happily remember that she's a woman with needs and desires.

[jenny1979]

Hi OP,

I think it's lovely how thoughtful you are being in this situation. You are obviously very aware of the "damage" / "issues" that can come from such a long term relationship ending, but like someone said, some people make their peace / do their grieving for what is over at the end stages of a relationship, so how long it takes anyone to move on from ANY relationship regardless of the duration of said relationship is "as long as a piece of string". Someone who has just come out of a 3 month relationship could take longer than someone who just come out of a 30 year relationship to be "ready" depending on circumstances - IMO.

So how long it will take for this lady to be ready for another LTR depends on how the relationship with her husband ended / what the circumstances were for it ending - what it her choice or his / was there someone else? etc.

You have said that she is now dating various people - that doesn't sound like she is now ready to jump into something full on with you and wants to live a little / keep her options open - however - we are not aware if she knows how you feel about her / whether she reciprocates these feelings to you either? Have you told her how you feel?

[MerriMAC]

Originally Posted by jenny1979

You have said that she is now dating various people - that doesn't sound like she is now ready to jump into something full on with you and wants to live a little / keep her options open - however - we are not aware if she knows how you feel about her / whether she reciprocates these feelings to you either? Have you told her how you feel?

These past few years she portrayed herself as having a happy marriage. Lots of pics and stories of their trips together and their life as "empty nesters." When she was married we didn't cross any lines. Over the past year since her divorce I realized I had feelings, but didn't want to come on strong or sudden. Also there were the couple guys she's been involved with (they seem to have dropped away completely). So maybe you are right in that she wants to have fun now as a newly single person. I can wait until the time is right.