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This is an interesting topic! I am not sure I think that people are anxious online. I do feel like I find a lot of avoiders too. A good way to avoid is to have more options.
Here are my scores, roughly. I closed the window too fast.
Quote:
According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 2.43, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.67, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
We have plotted your two scores in the two-dimensional space defined by attachment-related anxiety and avoidance. Your approximate position in this space is denoted by the blue dot. (Note: If you left any of the questions unanswered, then these scores may be inaccurate.)
Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders.
I am surprised I don't rank a little higher on avoidance. Because it is definitely one of the reasons I haven't found the "right" person.
I went out to dinner with some friends over the weekend, and we were actually talking about this. I've got a friend who is 9 years younger. We are really different and similar at the same time. Similar values and personality in a lot of ways, but she is like an amped up version of my younger self. But one of the things we do have in common is not really wanting to get attached our too close to people. It is a protective mechanism.
It takes me quite awhile to get to the point I want to share more than superficial stuff. And I compartmentalize my sharing. Different friends get different levels of info. I have no idea why I do that, probably something along the lines of not sticking all my eggs in one basket.
But is interesting to see how attachment manifests itself. I can't handle anyone who is anxious about attachment, because I will never be able to give that sort of person the reassurance they need!
It is an interesting theory. Yes, I do think guys with anxiety or attachment issues may seek out safer venues to "meet' women such as online dating. However, I think it is wrong to presume this is all, or even a majority of guys involved with online dating either.
Your best benefit from this will be knowing yourself even better, which should help you identify better matches in guys regardless of the avenue you use to pursue them.
There might not be... there is nothing I can find to back up my opinion (or dismiss it). I am just going by what I've seen. But I should clarify I don't think it's all or a majority of the men online... but I think it's the majority of the men who interact with others. Like I said, men (and women for that matter) who are so desperate to have a relationship, any relationship they just try to make the shoe fit anyone who responds to them.
I am not really interested in my personal benefit from all this (although I keep using personal experience since it's all I have on the subject). I've already thought that through on my own and have come to some interesting conclusions. For this thread, I am just thinking philosophically... about the human condition and why things happen the way they do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jade408
This is an interesting topic! I am not sure I think that people are anxious online. I do feel like I find a lot of avoiders too. A good way to avoid is to have more options.
Here are my scores, roughly. I closed the window too fast.
I am surprised I don't rank a little higher on avoidance. Because it is definitely one of the reasons I haven't found the "right" person.
I went out to dinner with some friends over the weekend, and we were actually talking about this. I've got a friend who is 9 years younger. We are really different and similar at the same time. Similar values and personality in a lot of ways, but she is like an amped up version of my younger self. But one of the things we do have in common is not really wanting to get attached our too close to people. It is a protective mechanism.
It takes me quite awhile to get to the point I want to share more than superficial stuff. And I compartmentalize my sharing. Different friends get different levels of info. I have no idea why I do that, probably something along the lines of not sticking all my eggs in one basket.
But is interesting to see how attachment manifests itself. I can't handle anyone who is anxious about attachment, because I will never be able to give that sort of person the reassurance they need!
I thought I would score higher in avoidance too... but when I think about it, I get very close to people. But with me, it's just not a lot of people. For example, I'm still in touch with and friends with girls (now women) whom I met in elementary school. I have had those same three girlfriends for years and never lost touch with them. Same with my college friends, etc. I never had a lot of friends, but I very close to those who are my friends and the friendship with all of them seems life-long. I've only lost touch with two friends in all my life.
Same could be said about me and men. I haven't had that many relationships, but when I do form one, I am very close, dedicated and in love.
I thought I would score higher in avoidance too... but when I think about it, I get very close to people. But with me, it's just not a lot of people. For example, I'm still in touch with and friends with girls (now women) whom I met in elementary school. I have had those same three girlfriends for years and never lost touch with them. Same with my college friends, etc. Not a lot, but very close to the ones I am close to.
Same could be said about me and men. I haven't had that many relationships, but when I do form one, I am very close, dedicated and in love.
I do have lots of acquaintances, but I find my closeness in friendships waxes and wanes. There are always a few close ones, but sometimes they change. But I am still in touch with people I've met ages ago too.
My score: According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 4.72, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 1.78, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships.
Interesting. I do admit in the past I had a severe issue with abandonment because often when I started to get close to a boyfriend they dumped me. For a long time I avoided relationships because of it.
To answer the question I noticed a trend when I did online and that is the guys I really wanted to date didn't seem to be interested. The men who were interested were way too attached too early and they were never guys I was attracted to.
Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the*preoccupied*region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships.ccording to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is*4.72, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is*1.94, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).*We have plotted your two scores in the two-dimensional space defined by attachment-related anxiety and avoidance. Your approximate position in this space is denoted by the blue dot. (Note: If you left any of the questions unanswered, then these scores may be inaccurate.)*
your attachment-related anxiety score is 2.33, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 1.89, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
My results pretty much confirmed what I already knew:
According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 3.61, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.83, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure region of the space.
As far as attachment and online dating goes, I have noticed that people can become more emotionally invested in someone if they've been chatting with them for a while. It's easy to delude yourself into thinking someone is a great match for you. Your OKC score is in the 90s, you exchange lengthy emails often, and you start to convince yourself that this person really could be great for you. But then you meet and discover you have no real chemistry. I think this is why online dating fails a lot of people. They get their hopes up too easily and start to believe they have a strong connection with someone when they really don't. In your mind, you've built this person up as something that they're not.
I have come across all types, so I can't really say I agree. I think online dating in and of itself creates distortions in people's personalities- it can be very frustrating, for one, and lead to reactions where users may feel or appear more desperate (ie "anxious") whereas in a relationship they may be more secure or whatever. Plus, so many are rebounding from relationships, may be super eager to jump into something or avoiding others while trying to stoke their ego ...circumstances are affecting behaviors a great deal. I wouldn't read too much into it.
My results pretty much confirmed what I already knew:
According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 3.61, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.83, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure region of the space.
As far as attachment and online dating goes, I have noticed that people can become more emotionally invested in someone if they've been chatting with them for a while. It's easy to delude yourself into thinking someone is a great match for you. Your OKC score is in the 90s, you exchange lengthy emails often, and you start to convince yourself that this person really could be great for you. But then you meet and discover you have no real chemistry. I think this is why online dating fails a lot of people. They get their hopes up too easily and start to believe they have a strong connection with someone when they really don't. In your mind, you've built this person up as something that they're not.
And it's quite easy to do as well. You're kinda stuck though if you think the person is interesting, but they just can't meet say in a weeks time. I had a doozy of one around October of last year. We exchanged numbers and would talk on the phone about all kinds of stuff. Some conversations would last two hours. She lived 60 miles from me and we were coordinating schedules around her kids. We planned a date for a Friday night to eat at a restaurant and hear a band play.
I go to confirm the date on Thursday and she says she's feeling under the weather, but hopes to still make the date. Friday comes and I confirm again, because I'd have to make the drive. Hear back nothing. On Sunday I finally hear back from her. I was seeing a guy and he decided to make things official with us and you were such a nice guy, so I didn't know how to tell you.
Now, realistically everything kinda played out par for the course in my head. She didn't text during work, which makes sense, since people don't like to do that during work hours. She would always be around to talk on the phone during the evening hours too. This was about 7-8 days in the making. Probably 5-6 hours total of phone conversations. In the end, sometimes you just don't know what the person's intentions are and you just have to take a leap of faith. I was pretty ticked on that one, because it was one of the rare times that I had been backburnerd by someone. She was already laying out her next date plans if the guy she was talking to didn't work out.
We had exchanged full names so I could search her through FB and they guy really existed. In some ways online dating is just a game to me too. I've had so much more success just trying to see how far something could go with a woman than actually ever taking it serious. To me, that's a sad revelation, but it is what it is.
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