I dont know how I should handle letting her be a waiter... (girlfriend, married)

[Figuremeout]

Hey, I've had a problem for a while now and i really could use some help with it. My girlfriend has gotten a job as a waiter but she gets hit on enough already....i don't know how i feel about her getting a job that requires so much interaction with guys....and potential *******s.

Relationship background: i met her 2 years ago and it was almost instantly that we hit it off. i was a fighter/soccer jock whos confidence was wayyyy to high. she was a homecoming princess for her high school with low self esteem, and a very bubbly personality(She was elected it after i met her). For the first year, we WERE the perfect couple. Not a single fight. im a year ahead of her in school, so she was still a senior when i went off to a local college(to stick around and eventually go to the same college as her).

Her senior year, she won Homecoming queen and Prom queen, along with being the president of Ambassadors and band. she is an all around perfect girl.

This is the part that stumbles me though. i feel as if im the only one going through this. a girl with an amazing personality and extremely beautiful. when i say beautiful, i mean she can get any guy she wants. of course i don't let her know this though...lol....

Anyways, her low self esteem and self image led her to being a very paranoid and jealous girlfriend. This is when the second part of our relationship(the 2nd year) became extremely rocky. im not the type of guy to go out and party or drink, but im more of the guy who just likes hanging out with friends at the mall or maybe a restaurant.

During a fight that broke out between me and her, i read her actions and realized something was right...so i asked her to see her phone...and she sprinted away to hide in the bathroom. after she came out, of course she was guilty of something. during her phone cleansing in the bathroom, i picked up her ipod touch and saw that she had 10 guys added on there for FaceTime chatting(she admitted one guy called and showed his dick to her).

After she came out, i forced the confession out of her that she had been texting a guy for a week because i wasn't showing her enough attention. She also admitted sending 2 pictures of her face to the guy to get compliments out of him. even though i was furious, i forgave her. we moved on, but of course there was a pending trust issue at hand. eventually i gave up on thinking that she might be talking to another guy, and started trusting her again.

Recently she has been getting VERY paranoid about my whereabouts and my internet activity. This made me suspicious that she might be doing something again. So i started becoming paranoid about her. of course, it is never good to fight fire with fire, but i couldn't help it.

After a very short break and alot of fighting, we finally stopped fighting and trusted eachother(more than before, not completely.) I've been letting her have her own space and allowing her to hang out with friends more so than before.

Problem- She recently got a job as a waiter at apple bees. considering that there isn't a guy on earth that can call her unattractive, i know guys will be trying to hit on her and ask her out, and it really bothers me. theres no stopping her now because she already got the job and its been a big issue that she needs a job, but im not 100% comfortable with it. Do i have a right to feel uncomfortable? i just feel like something is going to result from this job....

Also....i don't believe im unattractive. im 6'1, fit, athletic, patient, easy going guy. so all answers pertaining to me being insecure will be disregarded because its not the problem.

[dreamoutloud]

You are... allowing her to hang out with friends? She needs your permission?

[cpg35223]

Of course you're insecure, whether you choose to ignore me or not. It doesn't matter if you're freaking Charles Atlas.

One other thing. You don't get to tell your girlfriend where she may work and who she may be friends with. She needs to earn a living regardless of how comfortable you might be with it.

[jazznblues]

OP - you two are on a shaky foundation already. Do you think somehow you two would be more secure if she wasn't a waitress at Applebees? So is your answer to control her even more than you want to already?

You're not married. You don't have kids. If she is texting some other men, then she REALLY isn't that into you. And trying to control what kind of jobs she takes will not help.

I think you think you have a trophy girlfriend, and can't stand the idea of losing her. Yet you are a controlling freak and not capable of trust, or being trusted.

[RockJock1729]

Originally Posted by Figuremeout

Hey, I've had a problem for a while now and i really could use some help with it. My girlfriend has gotten a job as a waiter but she gets hit on enough already....i don't know how i feel about her getting a job that requires so much interaction with guys....and potential *******s.

Relationship background: i met her 2 years ago and it was almost instantly that we hit it off. i was a fighter/soccer jock whos confidence was wayyyy to high. she was a homecoming princess for her high school with low self esteem, and a very bubbly personality(She was elected it after i met her). For the first year, we WERE the perfect couple. Not a single fight. im a year ahead of her in school, so she was still a senior when i went off to a local college(to stick around and eventually go to the same college as her).

Her senior year, she won Homecoming queen and Prom queen, along with being the president of Ambassadors and band. she is an all around perfect girl.

This is the part that stumbles me though. i feel as if im the only one going through this. a girl with an amazing personality and extremely beautiful. when i say beautiful, i mean she can get any guy she wants. of course i don't let her know this though...lol....

Anyways, her low self esteem and self image led her to being a very paranoid and jealous girlfriend. This is when the second part of our relationship(the 2nd year) became extremely rocky. im not the type of guy to go out and party or drink, but im more of the guy who just likes hanging out with friends at the mall or maybe a restaurant.

During a fight that broke out between me and her, i read her actions and realized something was right...so i asked her to see her phone...and she sprinted away to hide in the bathroom. after she came out, of course she was guilty of something. during her phone cleansing in the bathroom, i picked up her ipod touch and saw that she had 10 guys added on there for FaceTime chatting(she admitted one guy called and showed his dick to her).

After she came out, i forced the confession out of her that she had been texting a guy for a week because i wasn't showing her enough attention. She also admitted sending 2 pictures of her face to the guy to get compliments out of him. even though i was furious, i forgave her. we moved on, but of course there was a pending trust issue at hand. eventually i gave up on thinking that she might be talking to another guy, and started trusting her again.

Recently she has been getting VERY paranoid about my whereabouts and my internet activity. This made me suspicious that she might be doing something again. So i started becoming paranoid about her. of course, it is never good to fight fire with fire, but i couldn't help it.

After a very short break and alot of fighting, we finally stopped fighting and trusted eachother(more than before, not completely.) I've been letting her have her own space and allowing her to hang out with friends more so than before.

Problem- She recently got a job as a waiter at apple bees. considering that there isn't a guy on earth that can call her unattractive, i know guys will be trying to hit on her and ask her out, and it really bothers me. theres no stopping her now because she already got the job and its been a big issue that she needs a job, but im not 100% comfortable with it. Do i have a right to feel uncomfortable? i just feel like something is going to result from this job....

Also....i don't believe im unattractive. im 6'1, fit, athletic, patient, easy going guy. so all answers pertaining to me being insecure will be disregarded because its not the problem.

First, you don't "let" her work as a waitress, nor do you "let" her hang out with her friends. She's an adult, and she can work as a waitress if she chooses to, and she can hang out with whomever she chooses. It's not up to you--at all.

Second, this problem has nothing to do with her working as a waitress, or about guys hitting on her. You're not worried about guys hitting on her. You're worried about her going out with them behind your back. And from your description, she doesn't trust you, either! So why are you two still together?

There's no point in being in a relationship without trust. If you don't trust her not to cheat on you, then end things and move on.

[akck]

Either you trust her or you don't. If you don't, then chances are that your relationship is over. I will add that it sounds like she has come out of her shell and may be now tempted to explore options. You're both young and it's likely this won't be your only relationship.

[punky86]

Maybe you wouldn’t be so worried about her if you weren’t so damn controlling.

The second she meets someone who makes her feel good about herself and isn’t constantly stunting her, she wont even remember your name.

[Urban Sasquatch]

Moderator cut: calling another member a troll is considered a personal attack


1. She can get any guy she wants but you don't let her know this, "lol".


She has low self-esteem according to you, and for whatever inexplicable reason. Ergo, it puts a LOT on your shoulders to try and keep her feeling good about herself. That's a lot to ask, and you "not letting her know" might mean you don't tell her she could have any guy, or it could mean you read garbage like "the game" and play confidence games with her head. I don't know, nor especially care to speculate.

You may even be almost the perfect guy. I'm just shuffling pieces of the puzzle here.


2. She's added lots of guys, and a person you describe as having low self-esteem is suddenly swamped with LOTS of male attention.


Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but home-girl is experiencing what I call the "Catholic School-girl Effect" and discovering her newfound sense of self-worth and status via male attention. It's SAD when it happens this way because in the end what she'll learn is she's a goal, someone to lay for the majority of these guys; it will mess with her self-confidence and sense of worth after she's gone through a few of them (which -- again, sorry -- she WILL).


3. The two of you are young and while you may have stuck around for the sake of being together, she now has different plans, which include as much male attention as she can garner.

I hate sounding like some nay-saying meanie, but you're on your way out of the picture eventually. The real question is whether you want to hang out for drama's sake NOW and go later, or just go and move on with your life.


4. People project. Sometimes they only project onto a person who really IS doing what they, themselves, are feeling/doing, but in the end people project.

- She feels you aren't giving her enough attention BUT she's seeking other male attention; psychologists call this "justification" unless you really are just being a selfish jerk, in which case I say "Tend to her needs, because if you won't, someone else will."

- She ran to perform a phone cleansing. Get real; it was over right then, you're just refusing to let go.

- If you already don't trust her enough that a waiting job means "guys" to you rather than "work", you already see the writing on the wall, you're just pretending you don't know what it means in a grand act of self-delusion.



In the end she may be amazing and beautiful, and it sucks to lose something like that; but if she already wants to go, you really have no say in the matter and she plans to go, she just doesn't want to burn her bridges behind her until she has more sure footing ahead of her.


Don't be a d!c* and turn it into drama, but DO salvage your pride and walk away, get on with your life. There ARE more fish in the sea, and if you're as "together" as you say, moving on will be no problem.

If you're not and it's all talk, well, then everything I say falls on deaf ears anyway. Good luck to you.


PS -- you really come across as controlling, and that hardly smacks of confidence in yourself OR the relationship.

[Dewdroplet76]

If you weren't insecure - you wouldn't have a problem with it. It's really that simple. I used to work at a gym - I got hit on all the time. I also got hit on when I worked as a caterer or when I was doing a show or when I was walking down the street. Guess what - nothing every happened with any of those guys because I am in love with my husband. And guess what - he doesn't have a problem with any of this because he is secure in our relationship and knows that I love him and that I am loyal to him.

It sounds like your relationship has a severe lack of trust going both ways - and that would make for a very insecure relationship. Honestly - if you can't trust her - you shouldn't be with her. Who cares if she is hot - if that is the only thing that you love about her - it really isn't enough.

[Sealtite]

Do yourself a big favor and give up on having a meaningful relationship with any woman under the age of 30. You'll save yourself a lot of money, headaches, and sleepless nights. Most college-aged women fundamentally lack any trace of a conscious, personal accountability for their own actions, or empathy for anyone but themselves. Notice I said "most", but your time would be better spend focusing on your own goals in life vs. looking for that one decent girl out of 1,000.

As for your girlfriend.....prepare yourself. I guarantee you don't know half of what she's already done to you behind your back. If you knew everything, you'd probably instantly end the relationship and never speak to her again. Sadly, in our society people no longer "connect" until they've gotten all the MTV-induced "party like a rockstar" out of their system. It seems to take the females longer to mature than the males these days too.