Emotionally cheating on my boyfriend......I would like some insight without judgment. (dating, girlfriends)
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Sorry this is so extremely long. I really needed to write this somewhere and I made an account just to post this. I try to be as detailed as possible so that people can analyze the situation or maybe feel like they have been in a similar situation. So I hope you can bare with me.....
This is really hard for me to write....I've been with my boyfriend for the last four years and we are a couple unlike any other. In the four years we've been together, I could count the number of fights we've had on my fingers. We get along extremely well and do love each other very much. We also have been living together pretty much since we started dating. Living together is nice because I don't feel lonely and we can both support each other. Plus he and I are the perfect roommates.
We're also both gamers (you'll know why this is significant later...). Anyway, so we give each other ample space living together. Neither of us are really jealous people and we're just really easy going. We have a lot of the same mutual friends so events are always fun and we have fun together. However, in these 4 years I realize we lack something major -- and I feel like I'm the only one that thinks this: We have ZERO conversation. Like, when we're in the car we don't talk. We just listen to music. Which, I do like alot of times. Sometimes I don't want to talk for like 3hrs straight, but he isn't much of a talker in general. I feel like I have always lacked that intellectual or emotional aspect of the relationship. It really bothered me, but he made up for it in almost everything else: He's extremely smart. He has a job and a degree and has his **** together. He's physically attractive to me. He pays for almost everything even though we both work. He's sweet and extremely caring. He doesn't get jealous and he always takes care of me. Any other girl would LOVE to be with a guy like him. Basically, I'm COMFORTABLE with him.
In the last four years, we have kinda turned into homebodies, which I honestly don't mind. I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 27. We're still young but like, I've lived a pretty socially outgoing life all throughout my teens to my early 20's so becoming a homebody didn't bother me too much. But I feel like all we really do is stay home and play video games. At first, I would complain about how we don't really do anything but my bf always denies that. He thinks we do PLENTY of stuff together because friends events or whatnot but he's like delusional in my opinion. We go out maybe 4 times a month, and some months do absolutely nothing. And whenever we go to social events, he get bored after a while and starts playing on his phone and it's super anti-social and it pisses me off. But w/e. I just learned to love him for all of him and I dealt with it.
We've both had a couple of people 'interested' in us but we would both brush it off fairly easily because we didn't have interest in them back. There was even one incident a year ago where I was talking and having an emotional connection with one of my gamer friends. But he lived like 3000 miles away from me and nothing was going to happen anyway. We were just really good friends and it was platonic. But that incident made my boyfriend insecure because he felt like I was talking to that guy too much. We worked it out though and moved on from it.
Now......to present time. A few weeks ago, I was playing my video game and one of my 'gamer friends' started talking to me. I actually didn't play many games with him but he was on my friends list. He was actually my friend's ex bf lol. I never thought we would actually talk though and I contemplated on just deleting him. But one night we played together and it was a lot of fun, so we continued to play together.
I thought at first, it's kinda weird playing with my friends EX bf....who she does not talk to anymore and has told me many things about, but I just thought, it's just a video game. It's not a big deal. And it really wasn't. But like, I don't even know what happened. We kept playing with each other and one night we stayed up for 3hrs until like 5am just chatting online. It was strictly platonic though. We just had a really good conversation. I don't know. Because I'm not used to talking with my bf like that, it was kinda nice. I have girlfriends who talk to me for like 2-3hrs straight, but they're my girlfriends. It's different. I also play with A LOT of guys because well -- video games are male dominated. But I never have conversations like that with any of my other guy gamer friends.
That night just changed everything though, and I didn't even realize it. All throughout last week, we played with each other and we started to Skype, mainly because I skype pretty regularly while playing the game anyway. We talked again for another 2.5hrs that time, mostly just talking about the game. I think I was just completely oblivious to anything 'forming' between us because we were just talking about the game and other stuff like that.
Then last night......we were both feeling really ****ty, which was apparent by our attitudes while playing or game, so we chatted a bit and he was the one who suggested that we 'TALK' about it and it would make both of us feel better. Again, I didn't think too much of it. I actually didn't think he would call me to be honest. But he called me and.......we talked for 6 hours. SIX HOURS. NONSTOP. I'm not even exaggerating. The only reason we stopped talking finally, was because his phone was dying and he was using a landline phone. I don't think I need to include details of the conversation. It was a little bit of everything but basically, we were both getting really sleep deprived but admitted that we "can't stop talking" to each other. I knew right then that I was emotionally cheating on my bf. I felt extremely ashamed at that point because I didn't realize it was happening earlier. I was just oblivious to it. And it's not like we confessed our love for one another or something in that conversation. But we pretty much admitted that we loved talking to each other and obviously, if this goes on, it's not going to be just 'platonic'.
My bf and I have never had a conversation for more than an hour, in the 4 years we have been together. And believe me, I have tried to make conversation. My ex and I had a lot of conversation too but not 6hrs worth. This was just so so weird and kinda insane. I just don't even know how to feel right now.
So here's what's going through my mind: Why don't I just break up with my bf? It's obviously not that easy. People have told me it's because I'm 'comfortable' with what I have and that's why I don't want to leave it. TRUE. Not going to deny that. But I do LOVE him as well. It's very difficult to just be like "ok bye i found someone else." And just because I recently talked to this guy and talked to him on the phone, doesn't even mean we would work out. I know all of this.....
I don't want to just get RID of this person. I don't know very many people like him.....so for me, it would be such a shame to just not be his friend anymore and that's just as hard in my opinion. But if I keep talking to him, eventually feelings are going to evolve. I already know that.
Even if things did work out, say I broke up with my boyfriend and this guy and I keep talking and we really like each other. I would then have the other issue of knowing the fact that this guy, IS MY FRIENDS EX BOYFRIEND. I have too much dignity to ever date one of my friend's exs. Maybe if I really fell for this guy and my friend didn't mind.....but I really doubt any girlfriend is okay with that. But that's just me.
So basically we are just stuck. I want to be his FRIEND. He's also reallllly good at the game we both play so it's fun playing with him lol. But it's like, the cards are simply not in our favor no matter what. And the easy answer seems to be "well, then forget about him! Move on." See, I thought about that but, if this even HAPPENED, what is to say that I won't find another person who isn't my friend's ex, that I'll want to emotionally cheat on my bf with? So the real problem is assessing my boyfriend and what I want to do with our relationship.
We build so much together. We built a home together. We have pets together. We shared so much of our lives and it's just too hard to break it off with him because of "lack of convo". But What do I do if it's something I really want in our relationship but simply do not have? It's like, I just cannot win no matter what. I can stay with what I have and try to be happy, but if I ever have an emotional connection with another guy, the same issue is going to happen over and over again. At the same time, just because I have an emotional connection, doesn't mean that we are going to be a good fit either. It's just all too much for me to handle right now and I'm just a complete emotional wreck. My bf does not know about this guy...but because we both play games, he knows I play with him quite frequently. I just told him he's my friend's ex and he's really good. And he doesn't really seem to care.
I know this is insanely long, but if you managed to make it to this point, I would want to give you a hug lol. I just don't know what to do about this or how to even think or feel. Maybe no one else can help me either, but any advice or insight from a third person point of view, would be appreciated.
PS, I'm listening to this song "I'm Not In Love" by 10cc. It was on the Guardians of The Galaxy soundtrack. And this song basically just describes how I'm feeling with this guy. We are completely in denial of our relationship being anything other than platonic. But we both know that's just wishful thinking at this point.
PSS, this GUY lives about 40mins away from me. But of course, we haven't arranged to hang out yet but I am doing my best to try and not get it to that point. Because not only will that further develop what we have.....but then my friend would probably be upset that I'm hanging out with her ex. Just thought I would clarify that before people assume it would be "long distance". The funny thing is, my friend (his ex) lives in a completely different state.
You don't get to decide if you're judged or not. You create a thread stating that and no one is going to take seriously. If you're saying "Don't judge me", that means you're looking for certain answers.
You don't get to decide if you're judged or not. You create a thread stating that and no one is going to take seriously. If you're saying "Don't judge me", that means you're looking for certain answers.
^^^^^ I agree.
She wants us to tell her to go ahead and continue emotionally cheating on her significant other.
You realize your actions are wrong and why
You realize the causes
You are the only one able to make choices for yourself and do not control the actions of anyone else but your own.
You just need to stop allowing it to happen and stop making every excuse you can jump to as a validation for your own behaviors.
YOU are the issue, not anyone else.
I'm not saying this to judge you, I'm saying this because you seem to feel everyone else is the source of your problems when none of this exists without your own personal involvement.
If you no longer share a connection with your current bf, it's up to YOU to address it.
Right now, YOU are choosing to avoid it.
Take responsibility for yourself
If having a better relationship with your current BF is what you want, spending all your time with another man isn't going to achieve this
Last edited by rego00123; 08-25-2014 at 04:59 PM..
I think it sounds like you want more out of your relationship.
You need to quit talking to ex friends bf. Explain to him you're dealing with your current situation, but may get back in touch with him later.
then go and talk with your bf about your feelings of a homebody and you want to go out more.
Honestly, if a girl had told me half of the **** you did above, I'd drop you like a bad habit. You're not ready for a relationship, and still feel like you want to play college kid. Thats fine, but don't string a guy along if thats really what you're after.
your bf feels like all is good. Going to friends parties and gatherings IS what adults do. We don't go clubbing often. Thats life.
You need to talk and be honest. Let him tell you what he wants, you tell him what you want. Reconcile if you want. If you do, don't talk to a internet guy you've never talked to. I can tell people my life story in 6 hours also. Meeting new people is fun. It does not mean you leave a good guy for that. It means you wake the hell up from fantasy land
OP -
your story is too long. Edit it down to the most important points.
Make a choice. Either you are capable of growing, changing, exploring new activities with your current BF, or you drop your current and go out with the new, unknown random Internet guy.
It's wrong to deceive, and doubly-so with forethought.
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