Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am 38, I have been dating this girl (35) for about a year and a half, we have lived together for about 6 months, I own my home. She is unique in any partner I have ever had in that she keeps in contact with previous boyfriends at what seems to me a very personal level. Texts, chats, facebook, phone calls. This bothered me early on, was always kind of a red flag, but on the flip side of that, we connected with each other at such a close level very early on, we definitely love each other, have talked marriage.
But something in the back of my mind has always bugged me about this contact with old boyfriends.
Recently an ex from about 10+ years ago came back into her life. I was literally sitting on the couch with her one day and she receives a text from this guy and they were chatting back and forth and soon it came up that he was recently divorced. I read some of the stuff he was saying, and it's obvious to me he was hitting on her, saying stuff like "I never gave you the best effort and if I had it to do all over again, I would do things differently" basically expressing intent to get back with her. She was replying. I was getting pissed. She says she's not interested in him "like that", and wants to just be friends. As a guy I know the ex is just trying to get in her pants... he's a recently divorced guy.
Since then, they text on and off and there have been phone calls, but as far as I know, no physical contact, IE: they have not met in person.
While I want to respect her privacy and give her her personal space, I think stuff like this is borderline cheating or at least suspicious.
Having gone through a couple real bad breakups in the past caused by infidelity, I have reason for being cautious. Am I going overboard?
I don't think this is suspicious behavior as she is doing it in front of you, not sneakily (from how you've worded it).
I also wouldn't tolerate it in a committed relationship, not to the extent you have described. Maybe one ex, if they had a child together, I could and would obviously understand that. But many or all of them? Yea, no.....
You're not going overboard, however, you are ignoring your initial "red flag" in this relationship that was there from the beginning. It isn't going to change, she isn't going to change. You either:
1) Become okay with her necessary contact with her various ex'es (you won't, and I understand)
I am like your girlfriend. I have friendships with some exes. My most recent ex remains one of the most important people of my life. My boyfriend is fully aware of this. He suspects that some of these men may want more than friendship, but he also knows that I adore HIM, and wouldn't do that to him.
You have to ask yourself if you trust her. If you can't, then this is going to eat you alive. Communication is key here. Let her know your feelings on the matter. If she isn't willing to respect them, she may not be the person for you.
I don't think this is suspicious behavior as she is doing it in front of you, not sneakily (from how you've worded it).
That's part of the problem. Initially, it was in front of me, until I confronted her about it, now she makes these long trips to the bathroom and does it in there. I went in there last night to brush my teeth and she was talking to someone on the phone.
Everything I do is out in the open, everything. I expect the same thing in return. This is especially hard for me in that, she was in a very abusive, controlling relationship a while back and I am walking the line of feeling like I should not have to put up with something like this, and not wanting to seem controlling.
Again, I know she isnt physically cheating on me, because we live together, and I can account for her whereabouts pretty much 24/7, but mentally this is messing with me.
I learned this the hard way from a past girlfriend that had a plethora of guy friends. There wasn't anything wrong with her having guy friends, yet I was really uncomfortable with it from the get go. It never sat well with me; however, I pushed through it because I really liked her. In the end, it was a contributing factor to us breaking up. I was never going to be comfortable with it, because her and I were polar opposites on a touchy subject. She loved guy attention, while I never understood why she craved it so much. It was always in the back of mind and it showed in my body language, even if I never uttered a word.
You will have to decide if this is something you're comfortable with. You can't change her if she values these types of relationships. That's likely who she is as a person and you have to deal with it or not deal with it.
I am like your girlfriend. I have friendships with some exes. My most recent ex remains one of the most important people of my life. My boyfriend is fully aware of this. He suspects that some of these men may want more than friendship, but he also knows that I adore HIM, and wouldn't do that to him.
That's the thing. I DO trust her. She has given me no reason to NOT trust her, we have a very loving relationship, she tells me all the time, and shows me how much she loves me.
Quote:
You have to ask yourself if you trust her. If you can't, then this is going to eat you alive. Communication is key here. Let her know your feelings on the matter. If she isn't willing to respect them, she may not be the person for you.
But this is eating at me, it DOES hurt me. I do not think I have communicated how MUCH it hurts me. But given the last mentally abusive relationship she was in, I think if I push this too hard, it's over. And I am asking myself if that is worth it to do, because I really don't know 100%...
I learned this the hard way from a past girlfriend that had a plethora of guy friends. There wasn't anything wrong with her having guy friends, yet I was really uncomfortable with it from the get go. It never sat well with me; however, I pushed through it because I really liked her. In the end, it was a contributing factor to us breaking up. I was never going to be comfortable with it, because her and I were polar opposites on a touchy subject. She loved guy attention, while I never understood why she craved it so much. It was always in the back of mind and it showed in my body language, even if I never uttered a word.
You will have to decide if this is something you're comfortable with. You can't change her if she values these types of relationships. That's likely who she is as a person and you have to deal with it or not deal with it.
Strangely she is a total introvert. She is not needy / high maintenance or someone who needs a ton of attention. She IS however very kind, even to those who have treated her poorly in the past. This one guy in particular, she has told me about, I get the feeling she never got over this guy, even though it's been 10 or 15 years since they were a thing. I keep asking myself if this is something she would throw everything she currently has away for.
And I cannot fathom it happening, but it still bothers me deeply
Strangely she is a total introvert. She is not needy / high maintenance or someone who needs a ton of attention. She IS however very kind, even to those who have treated her poorly in the past. This one guy in particular, she has told me about, I get the feeling she never got over this guy, even though it's been 10 or 15 years since they were a thing. I keep asking myself if this is something she would throw everything she currently has away for.
And I cannot fathom it happening, but it still bothers me deeply
We all know the answer here. You trust her, but you don't trust the guys. That's how I felt too and it was the demise of my relationship. I still think she ended up with the better man in her life who is more accepting of all her guy friends.
You are likely of the mindset of you stay in your own lane with the opposite sex when you're in a relationship. You have female friends when you're single, yet you back away from them when you are involved with a woman. There's nothing wrong with that mindset, but be aware that many people don't feel the same way.
Again, you have to decide if this something you can deal with or not. If you trust her then give her a chance. You live together so there is some trust. Maybe even ask if you, her, and the guy can do lunch. You will get a good vibe of what his intentions are as well. Is it strictly platonic and the guy has no motives, or is he trying to be slick?
That's the thing. I DO trust her. She has given me no reason to NOT trust her, we have a very loving relationship, she tells me all the time, and shows me how much she loves me.
But this is eating at me, it DOES hurt me. I do not think I have communicated how MUCH it hurts me. But given the last mentally abusive relationship she was in, I think if I push this too hard, it's over. And I am asking myself if that is worth it to do, because I really don't know 100%...
I think it is important to communicate with her. Don't point fingers. Don't accuse. Just open up a dialogue and let her know that it hurts you.
Make sure she knows that you trust her. Make sure that she feels safe. But you still have the right to let your feelings known.
One of my exes was going to come visit me. I let my boyfriend know this, and asked him if he had a problem with it. He said he trusted me, but I could tell from his reaction that he had an issue with it, so I canceled the visit.
If she cares about you, she will respect you in a similar way.
My ex from immediately before meeting my husband is not a person I have or will probably ever opt to have contact with. Other than that, all other men I dated are from nearly a decade or more ago. None of them are people I maintain active friendships with...no bad blood, but life has since moved on, I live hundreds of miles away...at most, I might bump into them when visiting my hometown and we'll exchange pleasantries. I don't personally have any exes who are big parts of my life in any way. I only have one I would actively avoid contact with if it came up.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
