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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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I need the intellectual connection, but it doesn't have to be that we have a shared background. I often find people of different fields and interested in different types of knowledge to be incredibly attractive. I do have to be impressed with their ability to intellectually communicate, even teach me.
I need a high level of intellectual connection with a partner, too.
This really surprises me. Is it a regional phenomenon? Where I live, the intellectual types are the most open! People who identify as atheists (in the sense of being activists, or being 'anti' religion are very rare (I met one, once). Intellectual men here are often not believers or 'spiritual but not religious', but don't have a problem with my faith. They are curious, not disparaging.
I second the suggestion that you continue with your church for spiritual purposes, but visit some other liberal churches to scout out openminded men. Unitarian, Quaker, etc.
I also highly recommend men in the hard sciences -- physics, biology, etc. -- and math and computer science / software. They tend to be smart, witty, and very open.
I have not had trouble finding intellectual guys, but I always have to be the one who initiates with them. Mainly because they are aware enough of women's issues not to want to intrude or be pushy. Are you willing to take the first step?
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
Stagemomma's advice wouldn't work for me. I absolutely need the intellectual connection.
Ditto both.
It's a deal-breaker for me. If there's no intellectual connection, it ain't happenin'. And the majority of intellectual types I've dated have a STEM background or work in academia. They've also generally been skeptics or "spiritual" in the pantheistic, Buddhist or Taoist sense, and very much open once approached and comfortable. I've generally been the one to initiate communication, as they're more introverted and cautious.
My husband was a mechanical engineering major when he started college. He's definitely more inclined toward hard sciences, and very much a skeptic. I also initiated communication. He's very much an introvert, but also open and curious.
We live in Nor Cal. All of my previous high matches have generally lived in the PNW, Nor Cal, Chicago, D.C./NOVA/Maryland, NE, and other metro/progressive cities.
orangeapple, I am a lot like you and had some of the same concerns when I was dating. I wondered if I'd ever find my equal. Eventually, I did meet and date a man who was like the male version of me! After 3 dates it felt like we could finish each other's sentences. It didn't work out. It turned out to be one of those "be careful what you wish for, because you might get it" situations.
We almost had too much in common. It didn't take long before there was just no challenge, intrigue, excitement, or curiosity about each other. No spark at all. It was an eye-opener for me and I realized how boring it was to be around someone like me! LOL.
The man I eventually married is the yin to my yang. He is full of surprises. He sees and responds to the world differently than I do and that can be a good thing. We may not always agree on everything, but we keep each other on our toes, respect each other, and my heart still goes "thump-thump" when he walks into the room.
Secondly, I wanted to respond to your comment about how to answer the question "What do you like to do for fun". I learned that this question was often asked because they were looking for ideas of where to take me out on dates. So it's important to not answer this question with "I'm writing a novel" or "I practice my penmanship", even if that's what you really do with most of your time.
Instead say things like "I love frosty cold drinks with spicy foods" or "I enjoy live music, especially jazz". Give them something to work with. In short, give them date ideas.
Have fun and good luck!
Last edited by Butterflyfish; 09-16-2014 at 12:34 PM..
Op, I am like that and my wife is not.
She is smart, organized, capable, etc.
But she does not live in her own head as much as I do or enjoy pondering the hypothetical, etc, etc.
That is OK.
Your s.o. does not have to be everything to you. No one person can be.
Common values and common direction are far more valuable in the long run.
Secondly, I wanted to respond to your comment about how to answer the question "What do you like to do for fun". I learned that this question was often asked because they were looking for ideas of where to take me out on dates. So it's important to not answer this question with "I'm writing a novel" or "I practice my penmanship", even if that's what you really do with most of your time.
Interesting tip!
When I ask a question like that, my intention is to get to know the person's inner self. It's nothing to do with planning dates. And so I tend to answer it in the same vein .
Maybe this is an introvert/extrovert thing? It never occurred to me that the person might have a utilitarian motive.
orangeapple, I am a lot like you and had some of the same concerns when I was dating. I wondered if I'd ever find my equal. Eventually, I did meet and date a man who was like the male version of me! After 3 dates it felt like we could finish each other's sentences. It didn't work out. It turned out to be one of those "be careful what you wish for, because you might get it" situations.
We almost had too much in common. It didn't take long before there was just no challenge, intrigue, excitement, or curiosity about each other. No spark at all. It was an eye-opener for me and I realized how boring it was to be around someone like me! LOL.
The man I eventually married is the yin to my yang. He is full of surprises. He sees and responds to the world differently than I do and that can be a good thing. We may not always agree on everything, but we keep each other on our toes, respect each other, and my heart still goes "thump-thump" when he walks into the room.
Secondly, I wanted to respond to your comment about how to answer the question "What do you like to do for fun". I learned that this question was often asked because they were looking for ideas of where to take me out on dates. So it's important to not answer this question with "I'm writing a novel" or "I practice my penmanship", even if that's what you really do with most of your time.
Instead say things like "I love frosty cold drinks with spicy foods" or "I enjoy live music, especially jazz". Give them something to work with. In short, give them date ideas.
Have fun and good luck!
I definitely don't want someone just like me. I usually like men who are more outgoing and organized than I am. That's partly why I don't like to pursue. I prefer someone more inclined to take action than I am.
But I dont think it's all or nothing. I don't think someone has to be just like me to share certain things or to understand and appreciate that aspect of me. For the record, I'm not a scientific type, nor the dry kind of cerebral. I'm more creative and philosophical, so those steering me towards technical and scientific minds aren't suggesting people like me. Actually, these guys who like me often are smart with technical things, but they just aren't intellectual.
When I encounter someone too much like me, they are usually a fellow creative. That's why I don't go for artists or musicians or perhaps even writers. They may not even be intellectual, but the shared artist aspect tends to feel too similar. So in that respect, I don't want someone LIKE me, but able to appreciate me.
Your tip is very good though, I agree. I did not frame the question that way and doing so makes sense. It explains their puzzled response - they're not judging me negatively for it, just not sure what to do with that info.
Give it time, orangeapple, and date lots of men. From your posts you seem to have a lot to offer and I have no doubt that you'll find what you are looking for.
Give it time, orangeapple, and date lots of men. From your posts you seem to have a lot to offer and I have no doubt that you'll find what you are looking for.
Interesting assumption, here. Some of the women I've known didn't have this option. You can only date a lot of people if you can find people willing to date you. I got the impression from the OP and other posts of hers that she doesn't get a lot of male attention. I think she's trying to figure out how to break out of a kind of rut she's found herself in, where the only guys who show interest are a type she's not into. Interesting problem, it's a good question.
And to the OP, FWIW, IMO it's possible to have "religious" (spiritual) values without being religious. If that would be ok with you, maybe that'll help broaden your search criteria? Sorry to hear some dudes diss your religion. I dig cerebral women as long as they're fun, too.
Last edited by NewbiePoster; 09-17-2014 at 02:35 PM..
Give it time, orangeapple, and date lots of men. From your posts you seem to have a lot to offer and I have no doubt that you'll find what you are looking for.
I've gone through periods of dating a lot.... as in, several dates a week, sometime two dates a day, and then after a few months I get burned out. I've done this through OLD.
When I meet people in person, then dating is less frequent, and I have to constantly be accepting social invitations. I'm trying to do this more again, but it's tiring also, especially as the payoff is less immediate than OLD. I don't do singles scenes because they are hook-up focused, but I do other social stuff and it's mostly been devoid of anyone attractive, single, and male that seems to have remotely compatible values.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbiePoster
Interesting assumption, here. Some of the women I've known didn't have this option. You can only date a lot of people if you can find people willing to date you. I got the impression from the OP and other posts of hers that she doesn't get a lot of male attention. I think she's trying to figure out how to break out of a kind of rut she's found herself in, where the only guys who show interest are a type she's not into. Interesting problem, it's a good question.
And to the OP, FWIW, IMO it's possible to have "religious" (spiritual) values without being religious. If that would be ok with you, maybe that'll help broaden your search criteria? Sorry to hear some dudes diss your religion. I dig cerebral women as long as they're fun, too.
I can date a lot via OLD. It's overwhelming actually, as there's a lot of weeding out to do. I tend to lose sight of what I want/need in these situations, as I easily entertain potential with people. It's hard for me to say "no", even as I have the nagging feeling that this person will not work for me in the long-run.
I feel like it would become a part-time job to manage OLD accounts - the messaging, the texting, the dates, etc. I just put them all on hold as I have too much going on elsewhere at the moment (work and family and friends).
I think I end up dating guys like the OP description because they cut to the chase quickly, and don't need endless messaging before meeting in person (which takes a lot of time); or if I met them in person to begin with, they jump straight into pursuing and don't let opportunities pass. I'm slow to warm & not quick to pick up that someone is interested in me, so I guess I respond best to someone who is clear & direct & patient. If he needs a lot of ego stroking, then I'm probably not going to encourage him enough at first because I don't have the time/energy/inclination with most people.
I don't get approached to date in person (ie. ask for my number or indicate they want to see me again; men my age don't talk to me much in general), but I get male attention in terms of random, passing compliments and of course the usual harassment most women get in public.
I don't look approachable, although it's better than it used to be.
I've been open to most guys who are open to me, but most are far less are open to my beliefs than vice versa.
These are not impossible hurdles, but it does feel like I am seeking someone who is somewhat unusual.
I can date a lot via OLD. It's overwhelming actually, as there's a lot of weeding out to do. I tend to lose sight of what I want/need in these situations, as I easily entertain potential with people. It's hard for me to say "no", even as I have the nagging feeling that this person will not work for me in the long-run.
I feel like it would become a part-time job to manage OLD accounts - the messaging, the texting, the dates, etc. I just put them all on hold as I have too much going on elsewhere at the moment (work and family and friends).
I think I end up dating guys like the OP description because they cut to the chase quickly, and don't need endless messaging before meeting in person (which takes a lot of time); or if I met them in person to begin with, they jump straight into pursuing and don't let opportunities pass. I'm slow to warm & not quick to pick up that someone is interested in me, so I guess I respond best to someone who is clear & direct & patient. If he needs a lot of ego stroking, then I'm probably not going to encourage him enough at first because I don't have the time/energy/inclination with most people.
I don't get approached to date in person (ie. ask for my number or indicate they want to see me again; men my age don't talk to me much in general), but I get male attention in terms of random, passing compliments and of course the usual harassment most women get in public.
I don't look approachable, although it's better than it used to be.
I've been open to most guys who are open to me, but most are far less are open to my beliefs than vice versa.
These are not impossible hurdles, but it does feel like I am seeking someone who is somewhat unusual.
OA,
Fellow introvert here. Have you tried ballroom dancing? You must of course find the right studio for your personal tastes (they are not all stuffy by any means).
Took lessons for about five years after first grad school. The studio was pretty young but it was in the KOP area - a nice Philly area suburb. I had a traveling job back then and once in a while I over-weekened somewhere and it was pretty neat to drop in on local studio parties. Started up with lessons again last summer at a local YMCA. Not a young crowd, but very friendly.
In a good studio I can pretty much promise you that unless you come in with a leave me alone sign you are going to be approached at a ballroom practice party. I and the other guys try and dance with everyone (I don't know every dance so I do need to sit out). I dance with 70+ year old ladies. I dance with raw beginners.
Ballroom especially for the male is very challenging.
Just a thought,
NMGPA
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