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Yeah, that's my thing. I can see staying home to raise kids, but once they're in school? Unless the working partner has a multi-million-dollar life insurance policy, both spouses should be working in case one dies or the marriage is ended.
I watched a pair of high-school sweethearts break up after something like 25 years together. The wife hadn't worked since the kids were born. Now she's in her mid-40s trying to get back on her feet and struggling terribly. He doesn't pay any alimony and he insisted on joint custody of the kids, so she doesn't even get much in the way of child support. He's rebounded just fine and started a new family with the woman he left his wife for. She was living in her brother's basement until recently.
This exactly, especially the bolded. If my mother didn't have a career, we would have been up ****'s creek after my father decided to be a douchebag and take off.
It's nice and romantic to think that you'll be with your spouse forever, and that nothing will ever happen, but it's just common sense to prepare for any eventuality. I saw too many friends with stay at home moms who didn't need to stay at home, who struggled financially after the death or divorce of a spouse.
Why wouldn't she? Earn money. Intellectual stimulation. Raises self esteem. Being productive. Work does the mind, body, and soul good. Most people I know get incredibly depressed when they're not working, and not just because of the financial portion. We like getting things done and being productive.
Never mind that she should be advancing her career at this time if for not other reason because her marriage may fail, or her husband may die, and she will need to work to live and not working now and staying out of the paid workforce will be detrimental long term to her earning prospects and career advancement.
Yeah, I suppose I didn't see things that way. I figured they have a luxurious lifestyle and a nest egg for her already prepared.
Keep in mind, that everyone here who suggested radical steps only did so because it is not their life and marriage on the line. It's very easy to advise people anonymously.
Actually, you make my point for me. If this woman is indeed described her situation accurately, she feels imprisoned by her husband. Maybe she hasn't said it in so many words, but the sentiment is clearly there. She is in a state of dependence and doesn't want to be. Mind you, she's not contemplating divorcing her husband or anything of the sort. She just wants to have her own identity aside from keeping the house in apple-pie order. I just fail to see what's wrong with that.
Actually, you make my point for me. If this woman is indeed described her situation accurately, she feels imprisoned by her husband. Maybe she hasn't said it in so many words, but the sentiment is clearly there. She is in a state of dependence and doesn't want to be. Mind you, she's not contemplating divorcing her husband or anything of the sort. She just wants to have her own identity aside from keeping the house in apple-pie order. I just fail to see what's wrong with that.
The only thing that could be "wrong" about it is if they had a prior agreement that this is the lifestyle they would live.
In other words, if she married him under that condition that should would not have a career it's a little disingenuous for her to just change her mind without consulting him.
The only thing that could be "wrong" about it is if they had a prior agreement that this is the lifestyle they would live.
In other words, if she married him under that condition that should would not have a career it's a little disingenuous for her to just change her mind without consulting him.
It's not disingenuous, really. People change and grow. And if your partner wants to make a change they see as fundamental to their happiness, it's your duty as someone who loves and supports them to accommodate that change within reason. In this case, maybe the OP's husband doesn't come home to as clean of a house or he sees his wife a little less or he doesn't get as many home-cooked meals. Is that really a reason to oppose your wife's desire for employment?
It definitely looks like he's putting his wants above her happiness.
It's not disingenuous, really. People change and grow. And if your partner wants to make a change they see as fundamental to their happiness, it's your duty as someone who loves and supports them to accommodate that change within reason. In this case, maybe the OP's husband doesn't come home to as clean of a house or he sees his wife a little less or he doesn't get as many home-cooked meals. Is that really a reason to oppose your wife's desire for employment?
It definitely looks like he's putting his wants above her happiness.
We really don't know that.
She hasn't given us the whole story, or at least his side of it.
People DO grow and change and in the best cases partners stay flexible and encourage growth in one another.
If she committed to a lifestyle she can't live up to then they still need to renegotiate (work together) to come up with a new plan.
Until then, it would be wrong of her to just go off on her own and do her own thing.
The only thing that could be "wrong" about it is if they had a prior agreement that this is the lifestyle they would live.
In other words, if she married him under that condition that should would not have a career it's a little disingenuous for her to just change her mind without consulting him.
I don't agree with you here, LM. Are you the same person you were when you were 22? It's one thing to promise faithfulness. It's another thing entirely to promise that you'll live life in a preordained way for the rest of your days.
Second, if what she says is true, then I really don't think much of the husband in question. If you are a good and loving spouse, then you want that spouse to enjoy happiness and fulfillment, whatever course that might take.
The only limiting factor is if it produces true and substantial harm to the relationship or risks the household's financial stability. But if her following her bliss means a slightly messier house and maybe getting take-out Chinese every once in a while, that's not a terribly big sacrifice to make.
I don't agree with you here, LM. Are you the same person you were when you were 22? It's one thing to promise faithfulness. It's another thing entirely to promise that you'll live life in a preordained way for the rest of your days.
Second, if what she says is true, then I really don't think much of the husband in question. If you are a good and loving spouse, then you want that spouse to enjoy happiness and fulfillment, whatever course that might take.
The only limiting factor is if it produces true and substantial harm to the relationship or risks the household's financial stability. But if her following her bliss means a slightly messier house and maybe getting take-out Chinese every once in a while, that's not a terribly big sacrifice to make.
thank goodness I am not the person I was at 22!
But this OP is young and has only been married a few years. No doubt she's learning now that sometimes we make promises and or commitments we aren't always able to keep.
I don't disagree with you in theory at all, I'm just saying IF she entered into this marriage with the promise to forego a career she owes it to her husband to sit down and renegotiate their lifestyle plan instead of just doing what so many here have advised her to do - which is to disregard him and any commitment and just "do what she pleases". THAT plan would likely spell disaster for their marriage.
It would help a bit if OP actually stated WHY she wants to get a job. Is it boredom, additional money, needing to be more involved socially, personal fulfillment? As some of the posters already stated, you are an adult and you can make your own decisions as to what to do with your time. If you decide to get a job, you really dont have to ask your hubby for permission, just tell him when you do. If you need a more less direct way to approach this issue, tell him you are willing to seek a less involved type job, on trial basis, so you can prove to him that you can do both. You should also expect him to do his share of household duties, at the very least the typical hubby tasks. You are not his child or a servant, you are his partner. Make sure he relates to you as a partner.
This isn't enough as to why?
Quote:
Originally Posted by cupcakekween
I kind if just want something that's my own, to work with kids and put my degree to use.
Why wouldn't she? Earn money. Intellectual stimulation. Raises self esteem. Being productive. Work does the mind, body, and soul good. Says who? Most people I know get incredibly depressed when they're not working, and not just because of the financial portion. We like getting things done and being productive. maybe you and the people you know. I used to be a house wife and loved it. The house was clean, dog walked, homecooked meals on the table, cars and yard nicely, and I was tiptop in shape because I went to the gym on a daily basis.
Never mind that she should be advancing her career at this time if for not other reason because her marriage may fail, or her husband may die, and she will need to work to live and not working now and staying out of the paid workforce will be detrimental long term to her earning prospects and career advancement.
so she should work now just in case something happens in 5, 10 or 20 years or never?
I know that this is North American culture and thinking. However, it is not shared by other countries and their divorce rates are lower. Just saying.
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