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I found in my past dating life (been married 15 yrs now) that it seemed a large number of women fell into one camp or the other - either they were "LOOKING" for a husband, or so against commitment or LTR that even in a good relationship that was moving that direction, they were so against it they bailed on it.
And what would be the issue with that if she was honest and up front from the start? If she "bailed" one would think that it probably wasn't moving in the direction she was wanting it to.
From all the posts I've read of yours, I'm really not seeing what the problem is. You want to date, like normal, and if it turns out to be a great match, you're not opposed to living together down the road and may even consider getting married one day. The people I know who are dating or looking to date, that's how they are doing it too, so how do you think it is somehow different for you? What am I missing?
What's different for me is that when I meet men who want a LTR, they seem to start talking about marriage early on. I mean REALLY early on (date #1 or #2). I don't know if I am even interested in a relationship with a guy at that point, let alone start thinking of marriage.
Prime example (not the only one, but a good one), I went out with this really sweet guy. He's a federal agent, really nice, funny, liked everything about him. Our first date was 5 hours long as we got along so well. Near the end of the date he asked me to think about something. He said, he'd been dating around for years and was looking to settle down. He asked, "what do you want out of a relationship?" When I asked him to clarify he asked me if I ever wanted to marry again. I was honest with him, told him it's not on my radar but if the right man and the right relationship comes along then maybe. He then told me he was looking to marry and move to the mountains within two years and asked if I could see myself marrying in that time frame. I told him, I could only tell with time there was no way I could know now if I wanted to marry within two years --it's not something I really think about. He said he really liked me, but he wanted someone who was ready to commit and was more sure about committing. We didn't go on a second date.
Something similar has happened with all the men I've dated this year... maybe not exactly like that, but serious commitment came up. I don't know if it's me, co-incidence, or both. Just seems like I attract the guys with a marriage bug. And if I go out of my way to say I want something "casual" then I get the sleep around guys who want to have multiple partners--which I am also not interested in. I just want one man in my life.
Granted, I haven't dated in well over a month and a half now and I have no prospects (and I am enjoying the break from it all). So it's nothing pressing really. It's just something I started thinking about when I ran across that quote in my OP about women who want casual relationships. I started wondering... I wonder what people call what I am looking for. I thought of that because it just seems so hard to find for some reason.
What's different for me is that when I meet men who want a LTR, they seem to start talking about marriage early on. I mean REALLY early on (date #1 or #2). I don't know if I am even interested in a relationship with a guy at that point, let alone start thinking of marriage.
Prime example (not the only one, but a good one), I went out with this really sweet guy. He's a federal agent, really nice, funny, liked everything about him. Our first date was 5 hours long as we got along so well. Near the end of the date he asked me to think about something. He said, he'd been dating around for years and was looking to settle down. He asked, "what do you want out of a relationship?" When I asked him to clarify he asked me if I ever wanted to marry again. I was honest with him, told him it's not on my radar but if the right man and the right relationship comes along then maybe. He then told me he was looking to marry and move to the mountains within two years and asked if I could see myself marrying in that time frame. I told him, I could only tell with time there was no way I could know now if I wanted to marry within two years --it's not something I really think about. He said he really liked me, but he wanted someone who was ready to commit and was more sure about committing. We didn't go on a second date.
Something similar has happened with all the men I've dated this year... maybe not exactly like that, but serious commitment came up. I don't know if it's me, co-incidence, or both. Just seems like I attract the guys with a marriage bug. And if I go out of my way to say I want something "casual" then I get the sleep around guys who want to have multiple partners--which I am also not interested in. I just want one man in my life.
Granted, I haven't dated in well over a month and a half now and I have no prospects (and I am enjoying the break from it all). So it's nothing pressing really. It's just something I started thinking about when I ran across that quote in my OP about women who want casual relationships. I started wondering... I wonder what people call what I am looking for. I thought of that because it just seems so hard to find for some reason.
Maybe it's an age thing too? I can see that some people don't want to feel like they're wasting time when they're 40+ versus 20-something, that they might be more certain with what they want. But the flip side is knowing what you want doesn't mean you can just find someone to slot into that vacant spot where a wife goes. I would just chalk it up to meeting a few quirky men.
There has to be a way to convey what you're looking for, a different word than casual. If you do go back to dating, I wouldn't change anything, just hopefully not run into the "marriage-minded and willing to talk about it on the first date" types again.
I just want to date, have fun and enjoy a man's company, go out now and then, stay in a lot more, do things together, be intimate sexually, spend nights together, be devoted to that one man, cook for him, take him on vacation, be my +1 at events, and most importantly love him... but with no expectations of marriage or even moving in together. If it grows into something more on its own, fine... but there is no ends to my means in this dating.
This sounds like normal dating in NYC. Unless you fall into a certain age group that wants kids and the biological clock is ticking, noone here mentions anything abut marriage right away. Perhaps the religious crowd does but I have no experience with them.
This isn't a major thing or even a problem so much as a curiosity thing with me. Just something I want to know for the sake of knowing.
Every time I've had to define what kind of relationship I am looking for, I get into trouble with misunderstandings. I think I just don't know what it's called. When I say I want something casual men assume "casual sex" or stuff like this (from another poster)
Ugh! That's the first I heard of that being what casual dating is. But I don't think he's wrong (or the only man who thinks this). Mainly because when I tried OKCupid and put that in my profile, I got a lot of offers from men looking for a third for their girlfriends or wives. That's not what I want at all. I just want one man in my life.
When I talk about being friends with a guy, seeing him on average a couple of nights a week... eventually getting intimate but nothing too serious--not leading to anything. I get the "oh you want a FWB" label. That's not what I want either. FWB implies it's temporary and just going through the motions of a romantic relationship... just meeting a physical need until a real relationship comes along.
When I tried OLD on different sites, I said I was looking for a boyfriend. Then I get all kinds of really nice men... but all looking for marriage. I am not sure I want to go THAT serious (at least right away). They ask if I don't, then why am I looking for a boyfriend.
I just want to date, have fun and enjoy a man's company, go out now and then, stay in a lot more, do things together, be intimate sexually, spend nights together, be devoted to that one man, cook for him, take him on vacation, be my +1 at events, and most importantly love him... but with no expectations of marriage or even moving in together. If it grows into something more on its own, fine... but there is no ends to my means in this dating.
So, what is it called? It's frustrating that I can't put a label on it that will easily explain what I am looking for.
Jilla,
Should be simple. State that you are looking for a committed monogamous relationship but not looking to get married yet.
What I think you are saying is that you'd consider marrying again only if the right person came along, but you are in no rush.
If that is accurate, that seems pretty healthy and normal to me.
Your attitude is attractive to men who want to marry because I believe that men prefer to be the ones who move the relationship forward. They want to marry, but it needs to be their idea on their time frame, with absolutely no pressure. So your attitude is pretty much exactly what they are looking for.
When you tell them "slow down there, cowboy" it makes them crazy with desire for you. LOL. That's my theory anyway. I encountered this when I was dating.
When my now husband first pressed me to date him exclusively, I told him I wasn't ready; I liked to take things slow. Little did I know that would be like throwing gasoline on a fire as far his determination to win my heart. What followed was a full court press that I had never experienced before.
Should be simple. State that you are looking for a committed monogamous relationship but not looking to get married yet.
"Should be" I do that eventually. I just wish there was an easier way to say it. I really don't like the negative of "not looking to get married" it seems like a weird way to introduce yourself or have someone "match make" for you. But there is a saying about wishes I think.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish
What I think you are saying is that you'd consider marrying again only if the right person came along, but you are in no rush.
If that is accurate, that seems pretty healthy and normal to me.
Your attitude is attractive to men who want to marry because I believe that men prefer to be the ones who move the relationship forward. They want to marry, but it needs to be their idea on their time frame, with absolutely no pressure. So your attitude is pretty much exactly what they are looking for.
When you tell them "slow down there, cowboy" it makes them crazy with desire for you. LOL. That's my theory anyway. I encountered this when I was dating.
When my now husband first pressed me to date him exclusively, I told him I wasn't ready; I liked to take things slow. Little did I know that would be like throwing gasoline on a fire as far his determination to win my heart. What followed was a full court press that I had never experienced before.
Men are weird.
LOL, that's an interesting look on it... maybe there is some truth to it too (I am not eager to marry, so I am not setting off those "danger Will Robinson" signals). I guess the irony is, it sets off the alarms in me when the guys seem eager so early on.
Although I still had one guy flaked on me when he assumed I would need more commitment. I never asked for it... he just assumed it. That was a bummer, I liked him and the relationship we had. He ended it because he couldn't offer me "more" whatever "more" is. (I didn't know it at the time, but there was more to it than that... he fell for another woman). C'est la vie.
This isn't a major thing or even a problem so much as a curiosity thing with me. Just something I want to know for the sake of knowing.
Every time I've had to define what kind of relationship I am looking for, I get into trouble with misunderstandings. I think I just don't know what it's called. When I say I want something casual men assume "casual sex" or stuff like this (from another poster)
Ugh! That's the first I heard of that being what casual dating is. But I don't think he's wrong (or the only man who thinks this). Mainly because when I tried OKCupid and put that in my profile, I got a lot of offers from men looking for a third for their girlfriends or wives. That's not what I want at all. I just want one man in my life.
When I talk about being friends with a guy, seeing him on average a couple of nights a week... eventually getting intimate but nothing too serious--not leading to anything. I get the "oh you want a FWB" label. That's not what I want either. FWB implies it's temporary and just going through the motions of a romantic relationship... just meeting a physical need until a real relationship comes along.
When I tried OLD on different sites, I said I was looking for a boyfriend. Then I get all kinds of really nice men... but all looking for marriage. I am not sure I want to go THAT serious (at least right away). They ask if I don't, then why am I looking for a boyfriend.
I just want to date, have fun and enjoy a man's company, go out now and then, stay in a lot more, do things together, be intimate sexually, spend nights together, be devoted to that one man, cook for him, take him on vacation, be my +1 at events, and most importantly love him... but with no expectations of marriage or even moving in together. If it grows into something more on its own, fine... but there is no ends to my means in this dating.
So, what is it called? It's frustrating that I can't put a label on it that will easily explain what I am looking for.
I'd call it what most sane men want. You want a real relationship with no head-games or BS tied with it. You'll go far with that attitude. Supprized you are still single. Women with mindsets like that usually never are.
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I would just chalk it up to meeting a few quirky men.
I do that eventually. I just wish there was an easier way to say it. I really don't like the negative of "not looking to get married" it seems like a weird way to introduce yourself or have someone "match make" for you. But there is a saying about wishes I think. 
I guess the irony is, it sets off the alarms in me when the guys seem eager so early on. 
