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I put myself in that trick bag years ago....little did I know what was coming.had I insisted on keeping personal finances separate 10 years ago when I retired it would be easer for me now to pull the plug.
Many states have common assets/debts of legally married couples. Without dependents you'd probably get half. Consult a lawyer.
Imo, deep down he doesn't want a divorce. He likes current wife. He'd happily stay w/current wife if they weren't living platonically. What he really wants/needs is a mistress - except current wife wouldn't stand for it - and he's afraid of what she'd do if she found out.
73 is way too old to be throwing over the traces, start over w/someone else and all that new person's baggage - family/health/finances - plus all of yours. Pretty tough to do - unless it is someone from the past you've known well. Widow lady not even close to being a realistic prospect for all the reasons mentioned upthread. Would be a seriously ugly mess.
Imo, deep down he doesn't want a divorce. He likes current wife. He'd happily stay w/current wife if they weren't living platonically. What he really wants/needs is a mistress - except current wife wouldn't stand for it - and he's afraid of what she'd do if she found out.
73 is way too old to be throwing over the traces, start over w/someone else and all that new person's baggage - family/health/finances - plus all of yours. Pretty tough to do - unless it is someone from the past you've known well. Widow lady not even close to being a realistic prospect for all the reasons mentioned upthread. Would be a seriously ugly mess.
I see your point of view. OTOH, we only live once. We should be able to take some reasonable risks at any age, knowing the possible consequences.
There's two issues here that are being confused. The ostensible one is how to approach someone who is older and a good friend of both husband and wife. The other issue is not being able to stand the current wife. There have been hints on this on CD for several years.
The order of importance imo is confronting the marriage, forgetting for the moment about other prospects because how many times has someone bailed out of a marriage to marry a prospect and the prospect declines or disappears? So the two situations cannot be correlated if there's supposed to be clarity.
Once the marriage is confronted and a bailout executed, the OP is left alone to decide his steps forward. No guarantee the widow will want to be in the running. If the OP is lucky, she will want to be. If not, the OP cannot go running back to the marriage for safety and expect anything but misery (ex will likely not accept him back anyway).
So...dissolve marriage first, than come back to CD and ask advice on how to approach any new prospect including the widow friend (if she's even still a friend at that point, it's all a risk not matter how you cut it).
Get single first, let her know you're there as a friend if she needs you, let her make the first move. If you get pushy you'll lose. Patience pays off in the long run. But you should have plan B in mind in case she's not interested and goes in a different direction. Sometimes after a death peoples personalities change totally and they want a different lifestyle and maybe a new set friends and interests.
You AND your wife "have a long time friend who lost her husband 6 months ago". Concerning the what "is correct" please remember while reading this...you did ask!
And yet...further along in the thread you indicate that if the widow lady is interested and willing you are more than content to be satisfied in a loveless marriage while getting your 'just desserts' on the side. Is that really alright with you? If this widow lady goes along with this how do you think that summarizes her character, or lack thereof, (never mind your character) in light of the fact that she is a very good friend of your wife? That just will not be/feel right...in my opinion.
In the end, it appears to me that you do indeed have a "plan", it just does not reveal itself until one reads the entire thread. If you truly do "have honesty in all relationships" then it seems the only "honesty" (right thing to do) should be, as others have recommended, is to retain a top divorce attorney and discuss the financial ramifications should you decide to go ahead and file for a divorce and immediately have the assets frozen.
I have to presume the "State of Superior" you reference is the State of Michigan, unless you do not have permanent full time residency there.
Michigan Property Division Factors
Michigan is referred to as an "equitable distribution" state. When the parties are unable to reach a settlement, the Circuit Court will take the following approach to dividing the assets; First, it will go through a discovery process to classify which property and debt is to be considered marital. Next, it will assign a monetary value on the marital property and debt.
Last, it will distribute the marital assets between the two parties in an equitable fashion. Equitable does not mean equal, but rather what is deemed by the Circuit Court to be fair.
As far as living "with the same person with no personal contact" it is presumed you mean intimacy/sex, right? Well, perhaps the general public does not engage in open discussions about their intimate lives but, yes, many do live without intimacy/sex, for a variety of reasons and motivations; and some for a very, very, very long time; you would probably be surprised.
I know, right? It did not turn out well at all; I saw the movie and not only was it worse, it scared the living daylights out of me.
OP, you have a conundrum here and in order to hold on to any shred of self respect and decency you will need to think this over very carefully. Usually by the time we reach our senior years there should not be anymore "flights of fancy", self-delusions, or "pie in the sky" fantasies but rather a longing and desire to have a modicum of self respect as well as the respect of our friends, our families, and our communities.
Just my view from my life experiences...so good luck in resolving this in the best possible manner for ALL concerned, sincerely.
You see the simple way to" solve" the problem is for me to remain unfulfilled in my current relationship and carry on as has been standard . I guess there is still a glimmer of hope, as she said the last time I brought this up , " you know I may change and want to be with you again " There did not seem to be any conditions attached to that......nor exploring my own emotions if I would even want her anyway when it comes to sex and romance.....and there goes my self respect is that not true. ? Last , if you have read all my posts you would know I have no intentions of " upgrading" the friendship with the Widow no more than it is today.
Imo, deep down he doesn't want a divorce. He likes current wife. He'd happily stay w/current wife if they weren't living platonically. What he really wants/needs is a mistress - except current wife wouldn't stand for it - and he's afraid of what she'd do if she found out.
73 is way too old to be throwing over the traces, start over w/someone else and all that new person's baggage - family/health/finances - plus all of yours. Pretty tough to do - unless it is someone from the past you've known well. Widow lady not even close to being a realistic prospect for all the reasons mentioned upthread. Would be a seriously ugly mess.
Many older men have a mistress, and most likely the same reasons. If nothing else it retains some level of self respect As to my wife not going along......that may have changed, stay tuned!
I'm curious to know why a doctor, any doctor, would recommend a mistress. That's just weird. Unless s/he was kidding. Why not recommend dealing with the marriage openly?
I'm sure you would. She has money. I doubt you've fooled anyone but perhaps someone with the intellect of a sub-artichoke. You may think you're cute but to be honest, you're not clever. You asked for opinions. Mine is you should leave the lady, if that's what she is, alone. She deserves better.
Interesting how "darstar" has most of the letters of "dastardly!" Coincidence?
What bee got under your bonnet ? This has got out of hand with so many trying to paint a picture that does not exist...The widow lady has been a personal friend for twenty five years. I have no intentions of changing that relationship.....the next move would be hers and I do not see anything happen for the next year.....you know it's quite possible she will never want another guy. I do hope she finds someone down the road, as that is what she does , share the ongoing life experiences with people she loves.
I'm curious to know why a doctor, any doctor, would recommend a mistress. That's just weird. Unless s/he was kidding. Why not recommend dealing with the marriage openly?
That's what this is, a recommendation that I'm entitled to happiness , and my Internist Is very conservative , no where as liberal as I. ( we do have debates lol). Are you aware most mistress are known by the wife ?...all over the world. You just don't flaunt it, it's a private affair.......I am by the way not sure I would look for a mistress anyway, sounds expensive and unaffordable as far as I know.
That's what this is, a recommendation that I'm entitled to happiness , and my Internist Is very conservative , no where as liberal as I. ( we do have debates lol). Are you aware most mistress are known by the wife ?...all over the world. You just don't flaunt it, it's a private affair.......I am by the way not sure I would look for a mistress anyway, sounds expensive and unaffordable as far as I know.
Yes, mistresses are quite pricey. You have to give them the best. Diamonds and furs and all the rest. I'd keep my hand on my wallet if I were you. Find a wholesome farm girl....after you're single.
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