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My brother broke up with his long-time girlfriend over this. She never wanted children, but suddenly at 38 decided it was time to have a baby. My brother is 47. He doesn't want kids now.
You might have to end this marriage if kids have taken over as the priority.
You also have to consider that this situation may have already caused a rift in your marriage that can't be healed. What if he leaves you in your 40s and it's too late to have the child you could have had?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Port North
I don't know where you live, but in educated wealthy areas the late 30's/early 40's is when people actually have kids.
My wife had our son at 37 and that is pretty average around here. Many of the men are in their 40's, she is not too old at all.
45 is the final, total cutoff
That is true in Boston, and it was true in SF as well. But those were couples together and then they had children after being married a bit, it happened organically. If a guy is 42 and single and looking for immediate, right now, meet, marry have kids right now situation, they probably weren't looking for someone that just divorced and is 39. It is a different dynamic.
*shrugs* FYI, according to almost every site I searched, including the Mayo Clinic, 35 is the age at which a woman is considered "at risk" for a pregnancy.
...but you called the guy selfish for not wanting kids. Sounds like you do have a problem with his way of seeing things. Viewing him as selfish would only have merit if they both agreed on having kids as a condition of marriage. They both didn't and only she changed her mind.
Yes I did, As a married husband does not care about how his wife feels for that I call selfish. Once they got pregnant then both were excited they both waited where is the agreement you talking about? And if they had an agreement why not sterilized for what use pills?
Yes I did, As a married husband does not care about how his wife feels for that I call selfish. Once they got pregnant then both were excited they both waited where is the agreement you talking about? And if they had an agreement why not sterilized for what use pills?
You're not aware of how biased you sound right now, do you? Can't you say that she didn't care for his feelings, either? To answer your 2nd question:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Madcat14
I've been with my husband for 15 years. We're both 38 yrs old. When we got married, neither of us wanted children.
Not an actual agreement per se, but she knew he didn't want kids.
That is true in Boston, and it was true in SF as well. But those were couples together and then they had children after being married a bit, it happened organically. If a guy is 42 and single and looking for immediate, right now, meet, marry have kids right now situation, they probably weren't looking for someone that just divorced and is 39. It is a different dynamic.
A friend of mine got divorced at 37 and met a 38 year old divorced women 6 months later. She was pregnant within 2 months and are still together 3 years later. They both have good professional jobs. Pregnancy wasn't "planned" but they both wanted kids badly, so good for them!
Sometimes you don't realize until its almost too late that you've gone down the wrong path.
Sad to not be on the same page, but really, it does not look like he’s going to change his mind. I’d move on from that thought and put a plan into action – either you move on and have children or you learn to accept your life as it is (with him, childless). What you need to do is think about the future, say 10, 20 or 30 years from now. What would you regret – being 48/58/68, married to him, and having no children – or being 48/58/68, having children, and not being with him?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Port North
A friend of mine got divorced at 37 and met a 38 year old divorced women 6 months later. She was pregnant within 2 months and are still together 3 years later. They both have good professional jobs. Pregnancy wasn't "planned" but they both wanted kids, so good for them!
Sometimes you don't realize until its almost too late that you've gone down the wrong path.
I'm not saying it couldn't happen, but it is rare. And their not planning it is pretty key there. But giving up a marriage you committed to in the hopes of hitting megabucks in dating isn't generally advisable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by twins4lynn
Sad to not be on the same page, but really, it does not look like he’s going to change his mind. I’d move on from that thought and put a plan into action – either you move on and have children or you learn to accept your life as it is (with him, childless). What you need to do is think about the future, say 10, 20 or 30 years from now. What would you regret – being 48/58/68, married to him, and having no children – or being 48/58/68, having children, and not being with him?
There is a strong third possibility (and probably more), that she divorces him, tries to have children and isn't successful at it, so in 10/20/30 years she doesn't have him or children. Do not discount that possibility.
I'm not saying it couldn't happen, but it is rare. And their not planning it is pretty key there. But giving up a marriage you committed to in the hopes of hitting megabucks in dating isn't generally advisable.
There is a strong third possibility (and probably more), that she divorces him, tries to have children and isn't successful at it, so in 10/20/30 years she doesn't have him or children. Do not discount that possibility.
She could always adopt, if she can't have them biologically.
What she shouldn't do is force this guy to have kids if he doesn't want to. That doesn't usually work out well.
She is young enough to find someone else.
Yes I did, As a married husband does not care about how his wife feels for that I call selfish.
It is you being selfish - not him - in that you are viewing this situation through your own glasses.
He is being no more selfish for _not_ wanting to have children than she is _for_ wanting them. Each wants what they want - and so each is being equally "selfish" in this regard. To my mind neither are being selfish. They are merely expressing what they want.
She could equally be accused of being selfish for demanding - to the point of angry tantrums and crying - that they have children when he does not want any.
And demanding that children be conceived and brought into a home where one of the parents does not even want them - is doubly selfish. Why bring children into that kind of atmosphere just to satisfy HER desires?
So as I said I do not _actually_ think either of them are being selfish - but if it was demanded of my to point the "selfish" finger at _one_ of them and I had to choose - it is not _him_ I would be pointing it at.
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