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It sounds like she is a very emotional woman and from what you describe, Nancy has behaved with decorum in the past wrt Ray if it is the truth. Too bad the disrespectful behaviour happened in a rather public forum and right now your pride and ego are very hurt. It's good that you are taking a break to reflect and I think it's very necessary given the way that you feel right now. But it also seems like you had a great relationship with her while you were with her.... that is hard to give up and may be hard to find in the future.
I truly sympathize with you, remember that good people are hard to find, most are taken and are in long marriages. All people in mid-life have baggage. Life and relationships are what you make of them.
I told her that I haven't ruled out any future possibilities, but that I think she has some unfinished business with Ray and that must be cleared up , before we go any further. She emphatically denies that there is any romantic or sexual feelings between them, or at least, on her part. That her divorce was long ago. She did this constantly, and has promised to prove it. I don't know how she will do this, but I told her that if she can , it will make a big difference.
My ex wife and I would never kiss or put our arms around each other etc in public or private. You didn't explain why the marriage ended, but it sounds to me like there are still feelings between them both. Obviously the new wife saw what you saw, so it is not your imagination. Personally, I would find this disrespectful, even if you hadn't paid for the reception and it would certainly throw a huge red flag. I would always have to wonder if the ex husband suddenly became single, would she go back. It happens. Not only that, if alcohol contributed to it, I would also wonder what she would do with other me if you are not with her and she is out with "the girls" as the women call it these days. If I were you I wouldn't go off the deep end, but I would take a break and reconsider what you have gotten yourself into.
Two things, then I have to go. I would really appreciate anybody who is in or has been in an interracial marriage to help to explain the dynamics of them and your mindset. Nancy's sister and her husband have been extremely supportive and friendly to me and I do NOT believe that her sister is lying to me , in any way. She and I have talked a lot over the past year, and she has told me that Nancy and Rays' relationship has been very wild, from the start, and that if Ray had been white , the marriage would have ended sooner than it did. That they had an "us against the world" attitude, which kept them together , long after any affection between them.
My ex wife and I would never kiss or put our arms around each other etc in public or private. You didn't explain why the marriage ended, but it sounds to me like there are still feelings between them both. Obviously the new wife saw what you saw, so it is not your imagination. Personally, I would find this disrespectful, even if you hadn't paid for the reception and it would certainly throw a huge red flag. I would always have to wonder if the ex husband suddenly became single, would she go back. It happens. Not only that, if alcohol contributed to it, I would also wonder what she would do with other me if you are not with her and she is out with "the girls" as the women call it these days. If I were you I wouldn't go off the deep end, but I would take a break and reconsider what you have gotten yourself into.
This is basically my thinking, but I do want to say that I don't believe that she would ever cheat on me. I also want to say , that , to my knowledge, Nancy and Ray have NEVER been alone with each other since their divorce.
My GF Nancy and I are in our 40's and have been married before. Each of us has kids by our previous marriage and both of our ex's have remarried. Last week Nancy's youngest daughter got married. Both side of the family are well-to do, but the bride and groom decided to have each family pay for a portion of the events. The grooms family paid for the rehearsal dinner, Nancy's ex paid for the wedding and Nancy was supposed to pay for the reception, but I wanted to do something for her daughter (I have a great relationship with her kids) and so I offered to put on the reception.
A little background. Nancy and I met about a year and a half ago, started dating a year ago and have been sort of living together since then. Each of us have kept our houses, but we sleep together , sometimes at my house , sometimes at hers. Nancy has been divorced for over 10 years , me for about 6. Her ex husband, "Ray" is a very accomplished African -American man. Doctor, and head of a mid-Western hospital. He is re-married to "Betty", who is Afro-American, as well. Nancy and I are both white. My ex wife is remarried and lives in another state.
The rehearsal dinner went well, and so did the marriage. During the after picture taking, the photographer asked Nancy if she and I would like a picture, but Nancy told him no , that I wasn't a member of the family. We went to the reception dinner that I had catered, and Nancy's sister told me that Nancy was very nervous and had a couple of drinks to loosen up. During the after dinner speeches and toasts, Nancy got up and began a story, the gist of it was that 25 years ago she met "the love of her life" , and that regardless of the outcome, she wished her daughter "Tasha" All of the joy she had , and that "first loves are best loves". Then the dancing began, and after the first two dances, both sets of parents danced together. I was not paying attention , until somebody near me commented on how close Ray and Nancy were dancing. I looked over and they were glued together with Ray rubbing Nancy's back. Nancy was wearing a backless gown. Then when the music stopped they kissed and it was no peck but a pretty full kiss. Then Nancy thanked everybody for all that they did. She thanked the Groom's family for the rehearsal dinner, Ray's family for the wedding, but not one word about me and my paying for the reception. All of the time with Ray's arm around her waist. She had been table hopping all night, but when I asked her to dance, she was too tired. I went back to the bar, and immediately after, Ray's wife Betty started a very serious conversation with him, and left. I overheard somebody at the bar saying that perhaps Tasha's mom and dad still had sparks. I felt humiliated and decided that was enough, so I left. I haven't talked to Nancy since then, and don't really want to. I feel that she disarespected me and that she still has feelings for her ex, so I am not going to be second best. I guess what I want to know is if I'm being stupid and jealous, or if I read the situation right.
Dont want to get off topic but just curious and not to offend, but why does this part matter?
You and Zentropa can yell" liar, liar, pants on fire" as long as you want to. You are perfectly free to do so. But, I am perfectly free to not respond to you, and I will not from now on.
Dont want to get off topic but just curious and not to offend, but why does this part matter?
I have stated my reasons , in my posts. I'm not going to repeat, myself. I know that some posters are attempting to attribute racist motives to me, but it is simply not true.
You and Zentropa can yell" liar, liar, pants on fire" as long as you want to. You are perfectly free to do so. But, I am perfectly free to not respond to you, and I will not from now on.
Promise?
Not sure why race or interracial factors are germane to this discussion. Actions and feelings are just that.
I have stated my reasons , in my posts. I'm not going to repeat, myself. I know that some posters are attempting to attribute racist motives to me, but it is simply not true.
You are the only one bringing up the race factor. The other posters are asking "what does race matter?" You are the only concerned about it.
I told her that I haven't ruled out any future possibilities, but that I think she has some unfinished business with Ray and that must be cleared up , before we go any further. She emphatically denies that there is any romantic or sexual feelings between them, or at least, on her part. That her divorce was long ago. She did this constantly, and has promised to prove it. I don't know how she will do this, but I told her that if she can , it will make a big difference.
Emotional people feel. The past is the past, there may or may not be any romantic, sexual feelings or familiarity with ex partners, this is a part of life. Emotional people can and do get nostalgic, but there is a reason the ex is an ex. It doesn't mean that they want to be with their ex again. She hasn't cheated, unfortunately she just got caught up in the moment, she is human and circumstances spiralled out of control. She is contrite and probably is very much in love with you.
Rather than make her prove it, which is very subjective... and you may still have doubts, because you are still emotional about it, why don't you ask her what the plans are to take your relationship to a better place with the goal to remove the doubts. Don't punish her, what you want is to get to a better place with your relationship with her, or not. You can make your decision then. That would be the win-win situation.
Also, beware of the 3 week timeframe after break up event, it's when you most miss each other... it's coming up soon.
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The other posters are asking "what does race matter?" You are the only concerned about it.
