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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost half a year. Recently we started to talk about moving in together and getting serious. Yay!!! Anyway to make a long story short, he recently was told that I was with a guy he's heard of. That guy has a rep and it's not good. He asked me if we dated and I said yes but that it didn't mean anything and was for a really short period of time. Of course he asked if I slept with him. I didn't want to lie so I said yes but again emphasized that it didn't mean anything. He then asked why we waited a while to get intimate and again I was truthful and told him I thought what we have is special and really meaningful so I didn't want to jump into "things" quickly.
He just doesn't seem to get this. He sees it sort of opposite and feels weird. I don't know how else to explain it to him. To the guys here, is this how guys think? Also, to the women here, how can I better explain it to him? It's sort of started to affect us and I want him and me to be like before.
You have not been together long enough to even think about moving in together besides you haven't even decided to "get serious" about your relationship.
Stay living apart for at least another 6 months or so and see how it goes.
As far as him "getting this", it is doubtful your boyfriend will ever get it because he doesn't want to.
Quit trying to explain it to him but don't surprised when he brings it up in the middle of an intimate moment or when you are fighting.
Not really, no. In the real world, mature adults understand that what makes a person relationship material goes beyond their sexual behavior, number of partners, or how quickly they sleep with them or someone else. Indeed, mature adults don't pry the way the OP's boyfriend did, because they respect boundaries.
I do not reveal to partner A how quickly I slept with partner B because that is between partner B and me, and I respect partner B's privacy as well as my own. I'm not going to blab B's business. Likewise, if and when A and I break up, I would expect that A would keep the details of his sex life with me to himself and not tell his next girlfriend, either.
But you can be as one-dimensional as you want and believe what you like. Just remember that when you feel it's your right to pry into your partner's past for gory details, should you ever part ways, that partner will be talking about you, and you don't get to be embarrassed or complain if word gets around town that you have a small peen or are a premature ejaculator or something.
I'm not saying I think people should be swapping names, gory details or anything else that should be kept confidential between partners but in the OP's case, he found this out from someone else i.e her past caught up with her. In many cases, a guy can realise what went on without asking anyway. How people act when around eachother, their bodylanguage and what they say reveals a lot.
I think that what goes on between two in a relationship should remain confidential regardless of whether they are together or not. However, in the case of the OP, him already knowing that information is where I am basing my opinions.
If a he knows she had a fling with some guy who is no good then he has the right decide how he feels about it.
A guy with high self-esteem will know that he's better than the guy who came before and would know that any woman with a brain in her head would see that, too, so it would be a moot point and unnecessary to discuss. He'd be comfortable enough in his skin not to feel compelled to make the comparison in the first place. He simply wouldn't worry about it.
But beyond that, a good man is not someone who belittles or shames people for making different choices than he did. Likewise, he understands that for good or ill, people change over the years, and it has nothing to do with morals and everything to do with their circumstances in life and their own life experiences.
And finally, the point is she doesn't have to be "accountable" to him. She didn't know him at the time, she wasn't dating him at the time, she owes him nothing but what she chooses to give of herself now. If love, loyalty, and partnership are not enough for him, and he's hung up on some other guy's dick, in plain English, he's got issues, big time.
Okay. Let me ask you something. If a guy told you that he slept with prostitutes in the past, before you knew him, would that have any effect on how you look at him or whether or not you will date him?
I could be wrong, but I think the the boyfriend was not mad that she slept with the other guy too soon, I think his issue was that it took longer for her to sleep with the boyfriend. I wonder if he would have been okay with her sleeping with the other guy if she had slept with the boyfriend right away too. That is what is sound like.
OP, ask him how many women he has slept with. How long did he wait to sleep with them. Ask him if he gets off on porn. If he is going to give you a hard time, maybe you can do the same.
I am guessing you guys are like 19/20? When you get older things like this won't be such an issue.
I just went back and reread your first post. You guys have only been together less than 6 months? That is a very short time, and you should probably wait before you move in with him.
The equivalent to a female having sex with bad boys is a male having sex with prostitutes, not looking at porn lol.
He didn't ask. He found out and THEN he started asking stuff. He's not a tool.
I know I came here for advice and you are 42 and have lots of life experience and all that but you come across as being really against my guy. He's not insecure or a tool or whatever you called him. He's actually a pretty decent man who I don't want to lose.
Also your comment about him not having self esteem cause he would see that he's better than the other guy and it wouldn't matter to him. Huh? For sure he sees that he's better than the douche and that is exactly why he's weirded out. It speaks to my action not his. Like as in why did I do it with a douche to begin with? That's what I need to get over.
So all this stuff about therapy and insecurity and red flags ewverywhere doesn't help. I know it's your opinionand everyone has one, but I cant's see how these views would help any girl who's made a few wrong turns. I don't mena this to be a rant it's just how I feel right now.
Actually, I'm 47, but okay. You come here asking for advice and who better to give it to you than someone who has experience with all of this? I'm telling you, as someone who has a crap-ton of experience with men, dating, marriage, LTRs, ONS, flings, everything, that his behavior is indicative of serious insecurity. I have never known a man who pried that deeply and got so bent about a woman's past who did not also turn out to be a judgmental braying ass not only about women and sex, but about politics, religion, parenting, all the areas of life where other people could make different choices than he would. People who are easily threatened like that judge others on everything. The point we're making is that he is the one with the problem, not you, and you should take some comfort in that because you're dodging a bullet by breaking up with him.
But if you want to beat yourself up over some guy who is going to hold the fact that you dated and more quickly had sex with someone he doesn't like, and let him make you feel like you're somehow unworthy of his sanctimonious ass, you go right ahead.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickenPox
hmm, I have to correct myself. You might need some therapy, too.
Or do you have a penis?
Are you a troll?
I'm beginning to wonder this myself. It sounds like a characterization of wishful thinking from one of the resident boylets with an axe to grind against women for being sexual and having more experience than they do.
Okay. Let me ask you something. If a guy told you that he slept with prostitutes in the past, before you knew him, would that have any effect on how you look at him or whether or not you will date him?
Not the same thing. A woman having sex more quickly with one man than she did another is neither illegal nor unethical, nor does it perpetuate or contribute to the demand for heinous crimes like human trafficking.
Try again, and this time, make it parallel.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cristo666
The equivalent to a female having sex with bad boys is a male having sex with prostitutes, not looking at porn lol.
Nonsense. The equivalent to a man buying sex is a woman buying sex.
I'm not saying I think people should be swapping names, gory details or anything else that should be kept confidential between partners but in the OP's case, he found this out from someone else i.e her past caught up with her. In many cases, a guy can realise what went on without asking anyway. How people act when around eachother, their bodylanguage and what they say reveals a lot.
I think that what goes on between two in a relationship should remain confidential regardless of whether they are together or not. However, in the case of the OP, him already knowing that information is where I am basing my opinions.
If a he knows she had a fling with some guy who is no good then he has the right decide how he feels about it.
It's still juvenile. First of all, what he should have done is take it from its source, probably some jackass who wants to try to break them up for some reason. Second of all, he should have told the person that when he wants intervention in his lovelife, he will ask for it. Third, that STILL does not give him the right to ask any questions beyond, "Did you go out with him?'
He does not have the right to know how quickly she slept with the guy. It's irrelevant, and by making a stink about it, he's basically inviting both the interloper and the other guy into his relationship and letting them determine the course of his own lovelife--which is pretty pathetic and weak.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost half a year. Recently we started to talk about moving in together and getting serious. Yay!!! Anyway to make a long story short, he recently was told that I was with a guy he's heard of. That guy has a rep and it's not good. He asked me if we dated and I said yes but that it didn't mean anything and was for a really short period of time. Of course he asked if I slept with him. I didn't want to lie so I said yes but again emphasized that it didn't mean anything. He then asked why we waited a while to get intimate and again I was truthful and told him I thought what we have is special and really meaningful so I didn't want to jump into "things" quickly.
He just doesn't seem to get this. He sees it sort of opposite and feels weird. I don't know how else to explain it to him. To the guys here, is this how guys think? Also, to the women here, how can I better explain it to him? It's sort of started to affect us and I want him and me to be like before.
So to put it into layman's terms, you used to bang dudes that "didn't mean anything" to you (your words), your boyfriend just discovered from someone else about the other dude in question from your past, and you want to make everything "right"?
I wish it was your boyfriend who started this thread instead, because I really don't have any advice for you. As for your boyfriend, my advice to him would be to think twice about what he's about to get himself into by shacking up with you. By your own admission you were a pass-around party girl in your past who enjoyed meaningless sex with men you barely knew, nor felt anything for. Now you're starting to worry about things like financial security, domestic stability and possibly starting a family one day. You're thinking that your current boyfriend might make a suitable candidate for a first husband, but you're not quite sure so you've decided to "test the waters" first, by living together. I'd bet my bottom dollar that you were the one who initiated the idea of sharing a living space with this young man. Good for you! You go Grrrrrrl!
Of course, you'll most likely omit the story of your eyes falling upon these words I've written, just like you omitted the tale of your lurid, brief affair with Superdong from your boyfriend.....So I've just wasted my breath here, but whatever.
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