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I did not offer anything to married men so I have less experience about it. Me I am not interested in men at work or any where if I have a partner , I am the boss for my mind not the other way, even then I cannot agree with you completely. May be there are more than enough men cheat their wives but that does not mean whole men count in to the same basket right. Have you try to give a bit of support to your husband? Like a little push to go for what he likes?
I've thought about that. He's very negative and doesn't like people much. He just wants to stay home and have a garden. Other than that and puttering around the house, he has no ambition. He isn't lazy, but he is such a perfectionist that it takes him FOREVER to do anything. He has to plan it, and then everything he does has to be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT and if it isn't he is miserable. That's why he can't get along with anyone at work because he has the same expectations of them.
Okay. So you're not on here looking for advice. You're really on here looking for permission to step out. Should've just said that in the first place.
I am looking for advice how to deal with MY feelings, not how to change someone else by threatening to leave them. I want to find a way to deal with this in a way that I am not so miserable any more.
It's not fixable and I can accept it. But it still leaves me feeling dead inside. All of my life I have chosen men to be with who I am very proud of. This is really a bad situation for me because I love him but I cannot see him as someone that I can respect. It makes me very sad, but he cannot change who he is.
14 years to realize that he cannot change who he is? Or are you seriously in love with that young fella who work 24/7? Be proud who he is not what he is my friend honestly. Respect who he is not what he does. My life very simple I have no ego either desire so I am always happy.
I am looking for advice how to deal with MY feelings, not how to change someone else by threatening to leave them. I want to find a way to deal with this in a way that I am not so miserable any more.
Go for long walks that helps to clean your head. try once I say from my experience. threatening either leaving is not the solution control your mind. that is the solution. The best medicine be your self boss to your mind.
14 years to realize that he cannot change who he is? Or are you seriously in love with that young fella who work 24/7? Be proud who he is not what he is my friend honestly. Respect who he is not what he does. My life very simple I have no ego either desire so I am always happy.
Interesting observation. It makes me think. You know I have never really liked him much. Oh, I love him, I am devoted to him but I have never really liked him very much. His personality, that is. I fell in love with him because of what he did, then when he didn't do that anymore, I still loved him, but I don't like him very much at all. Does that make *any* sense? LOL probably not.
I've thought about that. He's very negative and doesn't like people much. He just wants to stay home and have a garden. Other than that and puttering around the house, he has no ambition. He isn't lazy, but he is such a perfectionist that it takes him FOREVER to do anything. He has to plan it, and then everything he does has to be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT and if it isn't he is miserable. That's why he can't get along with anyone at work because he has the same expectations of them.
Okay. I'm not being snarky, I promise. But this is a lot simpler than you're making it out to be.
He's not pulling his weight, he's not changing, and he's not listening. Do I have that right?
Meanwhile, you've lost all respect for him.
The first time he was this way, it was his fault. The second time, it was your fault because you allowed it to go unremarked. Your marriage may not be dead, but it's on the respirator. And now you're crushing on some guy you work with. This would clearly be a disastrous decision on your part.
So here's the thing. You have three options here:
1) March in the house and demand that your husband get it in gear. Tell him that you're tired of his negativity and general apathy and he can either shape up or go to counseling. You are tired of carrying the load. Throw things if you have to. You'll get his attention. And if he doesn't play ball, pack a bag. If that doesn't scare the bejeezus out him, pick up the phone and get a lawyer.
2) Endure your husband while having the weekly Thursday Afternoon Special at the Motel 6 down the street from your office. You'll feel better for a while, but your husband is going to find out. Then, no matter how hellish your marriage was, you'll be the woman who stepped out on Joe. Some will sympathize, more will think you're terrible, and a handful will remain neutral.
3) Allow the status quo to remain. This is obviously not a solution to anyone.
#1 and #2 take guts. But only #1 gives you self-respect. I'd opt for #1 for, that way, you'll still be able to look yourself in the mirror five years from now.
It is difficult for me to comply with your last paragraph when you state most men are dogs. You clearly must be the female equal to that. The problem you are having is caused by your own thinking and lack of interest in life. Why is it your husband is all of a sudden a bum because you are supporting him? Who is to judge a man that has worked hard most of his life and then decides he wants to take it easy for awhile? Because that is wrong in your mind doesn't make it wrong. Have you ever stopped to think that just maybe you don't have all the answers in life? See a therapist.
Okay. I'm not being snarky, I promise. But this is a lot simpler than you're making it out to be.
He's not pulling his weight, he's not changing, and he's not listening. Do I have that right?
Meanwhile, you've lost all respect for him.
The first time he was this way, it was his fault. The second time, it was your fault because you allowed it to go unremarked. Your marriage may not be dead, but it's on the respirator. And now you're crushing on some guy you work with. This would clearly be a disastrous decision on your part.
So here's the thing. You have three options here:
1) March in the house and demand that your husband get it in gear. Tell him that you're tired of his negativity and general apathy and he can either shape up or go to counseling. You are tired of carrying the load. Throw things if you have to. You'll get his attention. And if he doesn't play ball, pack a bag. If that doesn't scare the bejeezus out him, pick up the phone and get a lawyer.
2) Endure your husband while having the weekly Thursday Afternoon Special at the Motel 6 down the street from your office. You'll feel better for a while, but your husband is going to find out. Then, no matter how hellish your marriage was, you'll be the woman who stepped out on Joe. Some will sympathize, more will think you're terrible, and a handful will remain neutral.
3) Allow the status quo to remain. This is obviously not a solution to anyone.
#1 and #2 take guts. But only #1 gives you self-respect. I'd opt for #1 for, that way, you'll still be able to look yourself in the mirror five years from now.
Thank you for this clear and succinct response. I will have to think about this for a while. I am tempted to go with #2, but I think it is the wrong path. Your response has helped me. thanks.
I guess wanting to have some passion in my life with someone I respect is a bad thing? Gosh, that stinks.
Of course not
Look, I'm asking you to accept personal responsibility for your life and your choices here.
Once you do that you will find happiness regardless of your spouse's behavior. You problem is not your spouse, it's about what is going on inside of you.
He has issues too - but only he can fix them and he has to want to. The most you can do is encourage him to do that, and let him know what you are doing to work on your own unhappiness too.
But no way in hell is the answer to any of your problems to drag a third person into the mix - especially someone who is himself already married.
Most men are absolutely not dogs and it is insulting to say it. You have no idea about most of them straying. There are 3.5 billion men on this planet and you presume to say most of them stray? That is ridiculous. Your mind set is messed up. You are depressed and you feel like being middle-aged means you have no purpose and that everything sucks. A lot of middle-aged people still find passion and have fun in their lives without cheating on their partners. This is not a snarky remark -- I don't believe in sugar-coating the truth.
I n'th the suggestion to see a therapist.
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14 years to realize that he cannot change who he is? Or are you seriously in love with that young fella who work 24/7? Be proud who he is not what he is my friend honestly. Respect who he is not what he does. My life very simple I have no ego either desire so I am always happy. 
