Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
That pretty much sums it up. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.
To top it off, the one person you might want to turn to for comfort and support is the same person who caused the pain for which you need comfort. It's a horrible feeling.
Like I said early on, you two have SO many problems, individually and together, that need addressing. It will take time and patience and persistence. But based on these last two posts, you are the closest you have been to being in "the right place" to begin counseling and next steps (whatever those may be.)
That's exactly what I'm trying to do, because basically I have no one else to turn to for such comfort other than myself.
EDIT TO ABOVE COMMENT: this forum has been a place of comfort - I've been allowed to spill my hurt here and have been met with what seems to be honest and heart felt advice. Thank you all very much for being here and sharing my journey.
Last edited by metalmancpa; 12-09-2014 at 07:43 AM..
^^^^
I think the OP might well read his own words and realize that he is not a self-sealed as he thought- a revelation, maybe. It's a shame that hurt has to be the instructor, but he is obviously in no way as shut down/sealed in as he thought. I certainly agree that individual and mutual therapy (if possible) is a necessary endeavor and wish OP the best in this huge change.
I understand what your going through I went through that with my recent ex a few months ago(sexting). I was with her the last four years( I know its not a long time but it was a very complicated relationship...lets just say her family would not approve). I understand where your coming from and I hear everything your saying and understand (roughly) what your feeling right now. Granted there was no marriage or kids for me in my event, it was just us and the history we made with each other. Right now I'm thinking of her, I miss her, I love her and for me I want to call her and fix everything to make it work.....but the reality for me is.....trust was broken. I am a person your with me or against me. I hide nothing from the woman I love (if I love you, I will tell you anything and everything as well as do anything in my more to make us happy...because I trust you...I will die if I have to for us or her). And it doesn't help that I'm a Scorpio, but for me, If you lose 100% of my trust in you.....you better fight good and hard to earn it back or just walk away. People are people and we all make mistakes and we have a physical needs but if you have a partner your with, you talk....you communicate and work together.
Here is something I tell myself: Once trust is broken....will it be repaired? ( that is a question for you personally) you can work through everything together....but in the end (even if she put in all the effort and truly wants to make it work and atoned for her betrayal) it truly is you who not only has to forgive her but also yourself and finally let it go.
If you can't let it go, forgive her and truly trust her....everything you do will be for nothing.
Maybe she did this for attention/to feel attractive/ feel wanted or even did it because you don't show her these things. Just because you've been together a long time does not mean you can romance her any less or be any less erotic with her.
When you have a moment with her grab a picture from when you guys were young...before kids or even marriage....look at that picture and ask her.....did you ever think we would be here? The answer should be no....that in its own right shows you nor her can foresee the end goal after this.
Will it work out for the better...of course it always does. The problem is that people don't always agree with the end result.
Keep your head up and always remember to breathe. I know its hard to do but try to not think to much (trust me I can understand that challenge in that).
Best of luck!!!
Sorry for making it so much...If I said something that doesn't make sense please forgive me (im at work and I saw this on my lunch break and I wanted to respond).
Oh yea from on over thinker to another......try to stop thinking about what you saw with her texts or whatever. Its only going to hurt yourself and make you worse on your own. And if it doesn't help......you need to distance yourselves (temp) ....it helped for me and it was recent. . . . granted my situation was different.
Do you have a wife and marriage right now? Or do you have a wife and marriage in name only?
If you cannot seriously answer to yourself that what you have is a loving mutually beneficial situation, you need to start facing he reality you find yourself in.
Stop focusing on the trival things that do not reflect the bottom line. They will only serve to confuse you and keep you from gaining any outside perspective.
When your lost in thought and getting carried away with all the issues resulting from the lack of connection and trust, stop. Take a breath and ask yourself the question of what you have with this women again.
This is something she will have to come to ask herself as well if the excuses and downplaying is to stop and actual work is going to happen to come to a conclusion on what you both want.
I know I must distance myself from what I saw, because it also pushes more doubt as to what more could be (based on what I saw). She INSISTS there was nothing physical - and I suppose my current broken trust makes it hard for me to accept that as all the puzzle pieces I found "appear" to direct to something more.
That's exactly what I'm trying to do, because basically I have no one else to turn to for such comfort other than myself.
EDIT TO ABOVE COMMENT: this forum has been a place of comfort - I've been allowed to spill my hurt here and have been met with what seems to be honest and heart felt advice. Thank you all very much for being here and sharing my journey.
Just hang on - things will get better and you won't always hurt this way.
Trust me I know what your feeling and I can only empathize your pain.
If it doesn't work out (I know you want/wish/hope and pray it will.....it might.....don't give up but don't give in) a few months down the road you will look back and see this and you may be happier. If it does work out, breathe and take your time.......Always remember to breathe and THEN think....carefully.
You will survive this pain.....it may hurt like nothing before but you will survive.
I did not read every reply here. OP, I am sure you know this, but it is obvious you both have issues. Long-term marriages often suffer this fate - I am in one, I have posted in the past.
At this point, do the both of you REALLY want to stay married? I know it takes a lot to separate, but are you both going to live like this indefinately? I don't think either of you are getting what you need out of the relationship. Therapy may help, but only if you BOTH really want to try to make it work.
Sometimes it can be best to say it's time to move on, only you two can decide that.
I had lunch with my wife today. Obvious to me this road is going to be really bumpy. Deep down I want it to work. She says she does too. But there are base differences in our beliefs of cheating and trust. She doesn't feel the wrong she did is nearly as bad as I do.
On the drive home, I was thinking (gee, really? me? think?). There is currently a core problem I am having that is inhibiting my ability to start the moving on process. That is to reconcile what I know.
The short facts from what I've found (no need to get into her explanations of what has occurred - they are her reasons from her mouth, the one I currently don't trust):
A year ago she began to go out and drink. It was a change in her. I suspected something maybe just because it was something new after 30+ years.
A month and a half ago I find the explicit sext thread - I confront her and tell her of the hurt and say I think it's cheating.
I do a little digging and find some emails and a voicemail or two.
A week and a half ago, I find another explicit sext.
Here's my current hangup -
For one, the mere fact she sexted again after I told her how I felt about it dug the hurt in deep - betrayed and trust gone.
Before the sexts she was going out in the evening to drink and coming back around 2AM. I didn't always know where she was going.
In both sexts I found, words alluded to how good sex was with her, and to meet up for a sex session.
I caught a voice mail, nothing dirty, but alluded to this guy meeting up with her for drinks, and he said he didn't want to drive home and he was planning to get a hotel room and she could crash there is she wanted.
I've asked her several times and she said she's never met up with anybody, let along sleep with them.
I consider myself an intelligent person. I don't know much about these "hook up" sites and sexting or other forms of non physical sex crap. I've read that in fact that words in the sexting world may allude to one thing although no physical contact ever happens. But just from the two sexts, they talk about towns I know and make sense to meet - real towns in our lives. These guys are local. It all seems plausible to me there is more. All I have is her word that she fell upon this site originally and the whole thing became addictive but nothing physical ever happened. Maybe it's true, maybe not. But I just can't reconcile the facts and all of the things that "point" to meeting, and that no physical meeting was ever consummated. And when I ask her, her answers are vague to me.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Just hang on - things will get better and you won't always hurt this way.
