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so I am 32, I have been in a relationship for almost two years when he told me he was having doubts. He went into a full blown depression, saying he can't break-up with me but he also kind of can't be with me. Nothing happened, no one cheated, we had a few fights, he didn't want to make a full commitment, I was getting impatient...the usual thing when you hit a certain age. Then I moved out but he kept texting and wanting to meet and it was almost as if we were back together until someone asked him about it and everything spirraled out of control again. During all this time, I was there for him, comforting him taking him in when he felt bad, being the best version of myself and trying to show to him and remind him of what it was he loved about me but now he says he doesn't want any contact anymore. He just can't.
I feel so rejected now. I know he is going through a crisis and he is getting help to clean a few things up in his life but I guess I am just collateral damage. I just don't know how to move on. What do you do a day or a week after a break-up, when the wounds are still so fresh and the idea of a life without him terrifies you?
Even though I know, the way he is right now and the problems he has, I am better off without him but this knowledge doesn't help ease the pain. So I am honestly asking, what do you do, quite literally, after a break up? Do you go out with friends? Do you write everything down and cry your heart out or do you just try not to think about it?
So, this is really not about him but about me. How can I ease my pain? I realize we might never have worked well as a couple but it's as if someone has died. There is so much grief over him being gone from my life.
Heartbreak is a terrible thing to go through and there's no easy way to shut off those feelings.
Realize that time will heal the pain. Take good care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Sleep. Avoid alcohol. Continue going to work. Surround yourself with friends and family. Stay busy. Travel. Start a meaningful project.
It will take a long time till you start to forget, but it will gradually happen. Be patient.
allow yourself a transition time... you do need to let the hurt, pain and anger out
this is a good time to reassess your lifes goals and purposes...
you can do this many ways .... but what worked for me was setting short and long term goals..
but first,,,you need to let go of what you are feeling,,,,the hurt betrayal, etc,,,plan a night, by yourself,,,have a good cry,,, face the hurt head on and let it go,,, if you sift thru the hurt,,,you may find that deep down its fear,,,fear of being alone, insecurities of facing the world by yourself,,, fear of exposure (the crap others may see)
so,,,you need a good emotional cleansing.... the good news is tomorrow is a brand new day ,,,, and you can build tomorrows the way you want,,not what everyone else wants
start with self improvement,,,,you need to feel good about yourself,,,join a gym,,or start jogging,,,running
also read this 3 times
look thru the windshield not the rearview mirror....of life
don't marinate is past b.s.......this can kill you,,,look ahead,,, picture your goals as you work towards them,,,
you are not alone,,,you are free,,,
enjoy your freedom,,, disassociate from him,,,,for a while,,,
steer your own ship, don't wallow in the currents of others,,,, you only go around once,,,,make the best of it,,
start tomorrow,,,
when you wake in the morning,,,say aloud 5 things you are grateful for ..in life
say them again at night
Thank you for taking the time for such a long reply. Yes, I am afraid of being along (PS: I cried so much yesterday, I woke up with swollen eyes like someone had beat me up) and I do feel like a failure.....the notorious single who didn't get her dream prince but just can't make it work. The one who is always alone at family meetings and watches her friends get married and have children and all the work I do, all the soul searching and reinventing myself seems to never be enough. There is always something left that is too wrong about me for someone to stick around. It feels like all the good that I do, all the caring and supporting and all that is never enough to outweigh my flaws. And I know that is typical self-pity and feeling bad about yourself because you've been dumped.
Also, the not looking in the rearview mirror thing: I like that idea. It's hard though as long as you don't want to let that person go. As long as you're still so afraid to live without them. I know all of that gets better with time it just seems like the saddest thing in the world to let go of this person. As a person I really liked him, he was my best friend and he told me I was his and it seems like such a mean trick of the universe to pull us apart - for whatever reason.
Well.....you could pine over the man....crying your eyes out every day and stay depressed all the time, convincing yourself that your life is over without him. While some crying is good for you as a release, it is better not to let yourself dwell in the "why's?" and the "what if's?" too much. The man really didn't handle this in a good way. Actually, he was pretty thoughtless of your feelings. The least amount of time you can spend worrying and dwelling over him, the better for you. He has already taken up 2 years of your life. I would try to limit the amount of time you allow him to take up space in your mind from here on out.
Stay busy. Pamper yourself. Get something nice and indulge yourself--bubble bath, scented candles. Join a gym. Walk. Surround yourself with flowers. Either plant new ones in your yard and/or display on your patio and in your home. Start some from seed and call them your "new beginnings" plants. Watch for them to start to grow and tell yourself they are similar to you because you are "beginning" a new life (without him) and you are looking forward to new possibilities as well.
I think it is very important not to get involved with anyone for at least several months. You need to process this breakup. You will feel grief, as you mentioned, then you will prob. feel confusion, anger, then acceptance. Take this time to learn as much as you can about yourself. Look up things online or get books about improving yourself--physically and mentally. Make this "Cesdra's" time, to discover and learn more about who you are and your expectations and goals than you ever did in your life.
Well.....you could pine over the man....crying your eyes out every day and stay depressed all the time, convincing yourself that your life is over without him. While some crying is good for you as a release, it is better not to let yourself dwell in the "why's?" and the "what if's?" too much. The man really didn't handle this in a good way. Actually, he was pretty thoughtless of your feelings. The least amount of time you can spend worrying and dwelling over him, the better for you. He has already taken up 2 years of your life. I would try to limit the amount of time you allow him to take up space in your mind from here on out.
Stay busy. Pamper yourself. Get something nice and indulge yourself--bubble bath, scented candles. Join a gym. Walk. Surround yourself with flowers. Either plant new ones in your yard and/or display on your patio and in your home. Start some from seed and call them your "new beginnings" plants. Watch for them to start to grow and tell yourself they are similar to you because you are "beginning" a new life (without him) and you are looking forward to new possibilities as well.
I think it is very important not to get involved with anyone for at least several months. You need to process this breakup. You will feel grief, as you mentioned, then you will prob. feel confusion, anger, then acceptance. Take this time to learn as much as you can about yourself. Look up things online or get books about improving yourself--physically and mentally. Make this "Cesdra's" time, to discover and learn more about who you are and your expectations and goals than you ever did in your life.
I think this is good advice. I would add to it, get a goal in life to focus on and work towards. Helped me get over the one who left me last year (left me for someone married and rich to boot). Had a hard time wrapping my head around it, but a year later, I am back on my feet and (maybe) found someone new.
I focused on financial gains and the stock market. It was very fulfilling and monetarily rewarding. It was also very distracting and gave my heart time to heal. I would say something like that, that involves keeping your mind distracted. Or maybe a fitness goal (that keeps your body distracted) can be good things to plan a goal around.
I know it doesn't seem like it, but he did you a favor by imposing the no contact rule. It will be easier to move on when you aren't in touch than it would if you were.
Realize that the breakup had very little to do with you and everything to do with him. Realize that your self-worth is not measured through his eyes, but through your own.
Don't compare yourself to others. It doesn't matter if your friends are getting married and having children. You are on your own timetable and what others are doing is irrelevant. Realize that the right person will be worth the wait and that it's OK to be alone in the meantime.
Allow yourself to grieve the relationship but not to the exclusion of everything else in your life. Try imposing a time limit after which you will wipe your tears and get back to the business of living. As to writing things down or going out with friends - yes, do any of this if it makes you feel better if only for an hour or two. As long as you don't contact him and don't permit contact from him (it will hinder your recovery).
If you are able to work up any anger toward him (he's given you plenty of fodder) it will help you heal more quickly -- as long as you feel and then release the anger.
Exercise.
Remind yourself that you deserve someone who's as committed to you as you are to him, and that you won't settle for anything less.
It's kind of like having the flu. You just have to lay there feeling like death, but knowing deep down it won't last forever. You WILL feel better, but it just takes time. I've been through one true heartbreak in my life so far. I read a lot. Reading was a good escape for me. I went out with friends. I made myself a promise that even if I cried when I woke up, I would get up and go to work and go about my day no matter how bad I felt and I stuck to that.
Be careful of comparing yourself to others. 32 is still plenty of time to have a family if that is what you want. I suspect one day you will meet someone else and be very glad it didn't work out with this guy. It sounds like he has a lot of problems and it isn't your job to fix them. He would only have dragged you down in the long run.
Break ups suck, it hurts like nothing else, but at least it fades over time.
Your job is not to beat yourself up over it. It's work to make sure you come out of this a healthy person, who has made this a learning experience, so you are in decent shape when you start dating again.
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