Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think of all the things he did that annoyed, hurt, or upset me, and feel grateful I don't have to deal with them anymore.
Also, I get into absorbing hobbies, things that occupy my mind: Reading, jigsaw puzzles, etc. I came away from my last break-up with an appreciation of creating mandalas, printing them out, and coloring them in with art pencils.
Going out with friends helps, but it depends how and where. Dinner on a Friday night when so many people are there on dates might not be good, but hiking and enjoying the peace of nature with a couple of buddies on a Sunday morning could be great.
As others have said, it's okay to be blue. Only way out of that is through, so just let it happen. If you really get stuck, you can make a deal with yourself: "I'll give myself half an hour to be upset, cry, etc., tonight after work."
His no-contact is a good thing. It was actually pretty selfish of him to keep texting you to see each other after he broke up with you, when you think of it. And he needed someone else to question it for him to realize it was a bad idea? I'll bet his friend couched it in terms of him, too, not you. Seems like he's all about himself: Happy to take your comfort even though he knows he can't or won't offer anything back. Was he also okay with having sex, too? See the first paragraph, above. It's okay to be angry. In your shoes, I would be. Channel it right, and it could help you move on. Sounds like he sponged off you emotionally. Depression or not, that's unacceptable.
so I am 32, I have been in a relationship for almost two years when he told me he was having doubts. He went into a full blown depression, saying he can't break-up with me but he also kind of can't be with me. Nothing happened, no one cheated, we had a few fights, he didn't want to make a full commitment, I was getting impatient...the usual thing when you hit a certain age. Then I moved out but he kept texting and wanting to meet and it was almost as if we were back together until someone asked him about it and everything spirraled out of control again. During all this time, I was there for him, comforting him taking him in when he felt bad, being the best version of myself and trying to show to him and remind him of what it was he loved about me but now he says he doesn't want any contact anymore. He just can't.
I feel so rejected now. I know he is going through a crisis and he is getting help to clean a few things up in his life but I guess I am just collateral damage. I just don't know how to move on. What do you do a day or a week after a break-up, when the wounds are still so fresh and the idea of a life without him terrifies you?
Even though I know, the way he is right now and the problems he has, I am better off without him but this knowledge doesn't help ease the pain. So I am honestly asking, what do you do, quite literally, after a break up? Do you go out with friends? Do you write everything down and cry your heart out or do you just try not to think about it?
So, this is really not about him but about me. How can I ease my pain? I realize we might never have worked well as a couple but it's as if someone has died. There is so much grief over him being gone from my life.
I think you need to be alone for a while and cry it out. Just let it all out once and for all, the anger, the loss, the pain, the tears, the memories, the frustration, the what ifs, everything. Don't hold back. After that you should be ready to really move on and find somebody new.
I know it doesn't seem like it, but he did you a favor by imposing the no contact rule. It will be easier to move on when you aren't in touch than it would if you were.
Realize that the breakup had very little to do with you and everything to do with him. Realize that your self-worth is not measured through his eyes, but through your own.
Don't compare yourself to others. It doesn't matter if your friends are getting married and having children. You are on your own timetable and what others are doing is irrelevant. Realize that the right person will be worth the wait and that it's OK to be alone in the meantime.
Allow yourself to grieve the relationship but not to the exclusion of everything else in your life. Try imposing a time limit after which you will wipe your tears and get back to the business of living. As to writing things down or going out with friends - yes, do any of this if it makes you feel better if only for an hour or two. As long as you don't contact him and don't permit contact from him (it will hinder your recovery).
If you are able to work up any anger toward him (he's given you plenty of fodder) it will help you heal more quickly -- as long as you feel and then release the anger.
Exercise.
Remind yourself that you deserve someone who's as committed to you as you are to him, and that you won't settle for anything less.
Hang in there!
This is good. Thank you for posting. I've been dumped but only after about four months of dating. It wasn't a relationship, but we we're sleeping together, exclusively, so it wasn't nothing, either. I struggle with no contact... it's been a little over two weeks and I've sent three texts... one just yesterday. Dammit. I shall not send any more. Oops. Personal tangent... apologies.
Anyway... CapsChick gives very good advice, here.
I think you need to be alone for a while and cry it out. Just let it all out once and for all, the anger, the loss, the pain, the tears, the memories, the frustration, the what ifs, everything. Don't hold back. After that you should be ready to really move on and find somebody new.
Thank you all for your advice. Yes, it might have been selfish of him to still call and come over but it was also my choice to reply and let him in. If I am mad at him, then I have to be mad at myself, too. I didn't want to let go and neither did he. I don't think anyone is really to blame and I don't think anger and hate will really make me feel better in the end.
I don't want to hate him but it's so much harder to let someone go you don't hate. After all it doesn't make sense. Why would you try to cut someone out of your life that you like. But that is just my own struggle. I know that.
I am afraid of letting the pain really in. Last time after a big breakup it took me years to get back on my feet again and I don't want that to happen again. I do acknowledge my pain and sadness and I am sure I will cry again, I just don't want to completely break down again.
I did a similar thing only I texted, and let him back in w/an opened door. So yeah... I'm still pissed at myself for that, getting over the self-inflicted humiliation. But, now I'm pissed off at him... I don't hate him. I can see indifference for him up ahead, through the tunnel... if you will. And, that feels like progress in moving through this.
Try not to beat yourself up over this... but, man... if you feel like crying, I say cry. Let it out. You got to feel it in order to get over it. I say this to you, OP, as much as I say it to myself... well, really... I got the crying thing totally down. I do need to remind myself not to beat me up, though. *sad attempt at humor*
Get a mantra, or two, like, "We'd've never worked out as a couple" and then mentally list the ways you guys didn't work; "He's not in a place to have a healthy relationship right now". Keep reminding yourself it's for the best; One of my mantras (granted a much shorter span together than you two) was "It's over" *ding* and "You can't make somebody wanna be with you" Kinda harsh, but I found 'em both helpful.
Stay busy... even if it's mindless stuff like keeping the house clean, cleaning out the car... garage... that kind of stuff. Go for a walk.
It will lessen, the hurt... really.
"He's not in a place to have a healthy relationship" - that is true and I have to remind myself of that. Thank you. Good luck to you, too, in staying strong and not beating yourself up.
Going for a walk is a good idea, or a hike. Something in nature. I find that very soothing. Although we used to go on hikes together and we both love nature and animals. But I guess there is always something to remind you of things you did together and you can't stop living just because of that, right? You just gotta trooper on. *sigh*
we are strange creatures,,,,sometimes we just remember the good times, when in reality, the red flags were never addressed and appeasement was the norm
There are givers in life and there are takers,,,, the takers will suck the life out of givers.. and run them over
don't fault yourself for having a kind heart,,,just learn from it...
you do need to face and let the pain out,,,if you bury it, it will fester and manifest ,,,surface,,in many different negative ways,,
lots of self help books and info on the internet,,and youtube
32 isn't old...,,and do not compare yourself against others....couples & relationships are like icebergs you only see 20% on the surface.... its usually the perfect looking couples who have the most problems...
and its worse feeling alone,,when you are actually in a relationship...
and when asked from fmily members co workers, others,,, wheres the boyfriends,,,,tell them,,as you look around,,everyone you know is divorcing or has been divorced... with many women your age,,,single mothers,,,
focus on YOU!
any hobbies or activities that you stopped engaging in, or cut down on, re-engage in them...
change your hair, wardrobe
this is HUGE...if you don't work out or exercise, START...doesn't matter what shape your in, working out or working out MORE makes you feel better about yourself...if you already do 5 days at the gym, change it up, take pilates or erobics class, swim instead of bike...
for me, my opinion is you cant just keep doing the same thing, but without him/her...you have to change everything up a LITTLE...don't overwhelm but you are starting fresh...do it across the board...
its not about making yourself BETTER necessarily, just looking at your life in a different way...
easier said than done I know...but hopefully good friends are there to help you do this
I separated from my wife 2 weeks ago...I am, for the first time in 10 years, playing bass and in a band again, golfing again...I went from working out 2wice a week to 5 days, including weight training which I didn't have time for...I also joined a gym...I am also looking at night classes in continued education should I find something that interests me...also since I took my ring off and flushed it down the crapper, I have a few friends with benefits potentials waiting in the wings...life is good right now...
I know it doesn't seem like it, but he did you a favor by imposing the no contact rule. It will be easier to move on when you aren't in touch than it would if you were.
Realize that the breakup had very little to do with you and everything to do with him. Realize that your self-worth is not measured through his eyes, but through your own.
Don't compare yourself to others. It doesn't matter if your friends are getting married and having children. You are on your own timetable and what others are doing is irrelevant. Realize that the right person will be worth the wait and that it's OK to be alone in the meantime.
Allow yourself to grieve the relationship but not to the exclusion of everything else in your life. Try imposing a time limit after which you will wipe your tears and get back to the business of living. As to writing things down or going out with friends - yes, do any of this if it makes you feel better if only for an hour or two. As long as you don't contact him and don't permit contact from him (it will hinder your recovery).
If you are able to work up any anger toward him (he's given you plenty of fodder) it will help you heal more quickly -- as long as you feel and then release the anger.
Exercise.
Remind yourself that you deserve someone who's as committed to you as you are to him, and that you won't settle for anything less.
Hang in there!
Excellently put, CapsChick. For someone in a similar predicament, this was all the encouragement that I needed today.
Thanks!
Repped
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
*sad attempt at humor*
