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On the other hand, it is frustrating to be with someone with no patience. Overall, I have plenty of time for a relationship. However, due to my job, which I love, there are occasionally times when I am very busy. While I have almost three months in the summer with complete flexibility, the first two weeks and the last two weeks of the academic year are very hectic. I am so relieved that my fiancee "gets" it, especially since my ex-wife never did. She anticipates my busy times and clears her schedule so that she can take care of the house and pets while I am indisposed, and in return I handle more of the responsibilities when I have the flexibility to take care of them.
Exactly. When we start dating someone, we're trying to get to know them and see what kind of person they are. Patience is certainly an attractive quality. If someone demonstrates that they're impatient and not very understanding of your busy schedule, then it's probably best you not date them. By moving on and deciding not to see you, they've actually done you a favor.
I absolutely understand about cancelling dates and having to reschedule. Rescheduling is the right thing to do; however, many times people who cancel don't offer to reschedule. There's a lack of mutual understanding that if someone cancels, and you want to continue to get to know each other, there needs to a date to reschedule. I follow that trait not because I think I'm special, but because I don't want to be "wasting" time on flakes. If it seems I'm always initiating and they don't seem all that enthusiastic to see me, why should I continue putting effort into them? Would they want to be treated like that by someone they see as potential?
I absolutely understand about cancelling dates and having to reschedule. Rescheduling is the right thing to do; however, many times people who cancel don't offer to reschedule. There's a lack of mutual understanding that if someone cancels, and you want to continue to get to know each other, there needs to a date to reschedule. I follow that trait not because I think I'm special, but because I don't want to be "wasting" time on flakes. If it seems I'm always initiating and they don't seem all that enthusiastic to see me, why should I continue putting effort into them? Would they want to be treated like that by someone they see as potential?
Here's what I've discovered about rescheduling. Suppose you have to cancel a date because you need to work late. You agree on a different day, but when that day arrives, something else comes up and you have to cancel again. This is why some people don't offer to reschedule. It's not because they're not interested in rescheduling. It's because they can't guarantee that they'll be free on that new date and if they're forced to cancel again, they know the other person probably won't be so forgiving. So do you risk it anyway? If I really like someone and I canceled on them once already, I'd be afraid of having to cancel on them again. And if I couldn't be sure that I'd be available on the second date, I'd be reluctant to commit to that date. Instead, I would tell the person that I can't be sure what my schedule is going to be like so I can't make any promises yet. And hopefully the other person would be patient with me. But if not, I'd completely understand their reasons for wanting to move on. I just hope they'd believe me when I said I couldn't be sure when I'd be free to meet.
Here's what I've discovered about rescheduling. Suppose you have to cancel a date because you need to work late. You agree on a different day, but when that day arrives, something else comes up and you have to cancel again. This is why some people don't offer to reschedule. It's not because they're not interested in rescheduling. It's because they can't guarantee that they'll be free on that new date and if they're forced to cancel again, they know the other person probably won't be so forgiving. So do you risk it anyway? If I really like someone and I canceled on them once already, I'd be afraid of having to cancel on them again. And if I couldn't be sure that I'd be available on the second date, I'd be reluctant to commit to that date. Instead, I would tell the person that I can't be sure what my schedule is going to be like so I can't make any promises yet. And hopefully the other person would be patient with me. But if not, I'd completely understand their reasons for wanting to move on. I just hope they'd believe me when I said I couldn't be sure when I'd be free to meet.
I agree and sadly many people feel that a stranger doesn't deserve to know why they had to cancel on them. In the end, they're a stranger so why do I have to tell them anything about my life? In my own life, I've had the most success with women who were very honest with me, even if it wasn't the news I wanted to hear. At the same time, they would reschedule with me and see me. Even if it meant they went without sleep.
Basically, there's probably people trying to make dating work with someone who's just too different from them. If you have a typical 9-5 schedule and their schedule is very sporadic, why stress yourself out trying to make it work? If it's that big of a problem in the beginning, it's going to be an even bigger problem in the future.
I know from experience of dating a woman who had a schedule polar opposite of mine. We worked around it for as long as we could, but then it became overbearing for both of us. When she was single it wasn't a big deal, because it was what she had to do to take care of her family. When I was added to the picture, she realized just how hard it was to make anything work with a hectic work schedule. Plans were cancelled and rescheduled many times, but the pressure of the situation was always there.
In the end, our schedules were too different to move forward any further.
If you dont have time to date now, you wont have time for a relationship now either. I'd move on. I need someone with time and space to let me matter. It's physics.
I agree and sadly many people feel that a stranger doesn't deserve to know why they had to cancel on them. In the end, they're a stranger so why do I have to tell them anything about my life? In my own life, I've had the most success with women who were very honest with me, even if it wasn't the news I wanted to hear. At the same time, they would reschedule with me and see me. Even if it meant they went without sleep.
The fact that the other person is essentially a stranger is the issue here. If we were talking about a man who kept staying late at work instead of spending quality time with his wife, there would be no debate. We'd look at that man and wonder why he prioritizes his job over his marriage. But when you're just dating someone, you really do have to decide whether this person is worth sacrificing for and how much. I don't mind cancelling an evening at the gym to go on a date because that's not a big sacrifice on my part nor do I mind giving up a night of drinks with my buddies since I can always catch up with them some other night. But if you're stuck at work and you gotta boss breathing down your neck to get stuff done, is it worth getting in trouble at work or possibly being fired all to go on a date with someone you're not yet serious about? I think most people would say it's not. The person getting cancelled on has a right to be disappointed and possibly angry. But what that person also has to appreciate is the amount of sacrifice the other person is making for them. If someone has a ton of free time, it's not a big deal if they meet me with for dinner. But if I know they carved time out of their busy schedule just for me, that's flattering. I think the people who get easily worked up over being cancelled on have an inflated sense of their own importance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yiuppy
If you dont have time to date now, you wont have time for a relationship now either. I'd move on. I need someone with time and space to let me matter. It's physics.
Not necessarily. This ties into what I was just saying. If things become serious, that'll give you a greater incentive to sacrifice more of your time. Because you've become more invested in this person and want to maintain your relationship with this person, you'll be more likely to make the kind of sacrifices you weren't willing to make when you were just dating. And this happens with most couples. As things become more serious, the people in the relationship cut back on the amount of time they spend with friends and other activities.
The fact that the other person is essentially a stranger is the issue here. If we were talking about a man who kept staying late at work instead of spending quality time with his wife, there would be no debate. We'd look at that man and wonder why he prioritizes his job over his marriage. But when you're just dating someone, you really do have to decide whether this person is worth sacrificing for and how much. I don't mind cancelling an evening at the gym to go on a date because that's not a big sacrifice on my part nor do I mind giving up a night of drinks with my buddies since I can always catch up with them some other night. But if you're stuck at work and you gotta boss breathing down your neck to get stuff done, is it worth getting in trouble at work or possibly being fired all to go on a date with someone you're not yet serious about? I think most people would say it's not. The person getting cancelled on has a right to be disappointed and possibly angry. But what that person also has to appreciate is the amount of sacrifice the other person is making for them. If someone has a ton of free time, it's not a big deal if they meet me with for dinner. But if I know they carved time out of their busy schedule just for me, that's flattering. I think the people who get easily worked up over being cancelled on have an inflated sense of their own importance.
Not necessarily. This ties into what I was just saying. If things become serious, that'll give you a greater incentive to sacrifice more of your time. Because you've become more invested in this person and want to maintain your relationship with this person, you'll be more likely to make the kind of sacrifices you weren't willing to make when you were just dating. And this happens with most couples. As things become more serious, the people in the relationship cut back on the amount of time they spend with friends and other activities.
The times I was cancelled on had a tendency to happen with women who just weren't that interested in me after all. They got cold feet.
You are right, when a person carves out time out of their busy schedule to see me, I'm extremely flattered. It ultimately goes back to how you want to be treated. If you keep cancelling on your date for work or other obligations, than that person may not hold much value with you. When you finally meet that "right" person, there's a good chance you'll be the recipient of being cancelled on by them. People have a tendency to go after close to what they are. If you're a person that has a tendency to flake on people, you will likely end up dating someone who flakes on you. Funny that people don't recognize that.
Let's just say that the "not having enough time" excuse won't really work out that well in the very beginning of dating.
Why would you start dating if you don't have time for dating? It's like going to the grocery store, putting a bunch of items in your shopping cart, and going to the checkout without any cash or credit on your person. I get it that things may change over the course of dating people, but you can deal with that hypothetical when it becomes an issue. If you don't have time from the very beginning, just don't do it or make your intentions clear that you're only looking for a FWB.
People have a tendency to go after close to what they are. If you're a person that has a tendency to flake on people, you will likely end up dating someone who flakes on you. Funny that people don't recognize that.
I'm not sure if I agree with this. It's not like the flaky people are so easily identified. I also think the people who are flaky tend to change their attitude when they're on the receiving end. It's one thing to play games with someone else. But when those games are being played on you, suddenly you start to realize just how lousy it feels.
The thing about being busy all the time is that most of us want someone who's moderately busy. If you meet someone who doesn't seem to have a life and is always free to meet with you, that's a red flag. Why do they have nothing else going on in their life? Will this person want to spend every waking moment with me? Will they become clingy? On the other hand, someone who seems to have a full life complete with friends, a career, hobbies, etc. is much more attractive. You don't have to worry that they'll see you as the thing that completes them. They won't feel insecure about whether you like them or get upset that you had other plans on a Friday night. They won't look to you as the thing that "completes" them. The extreme, of course, is the person who has so much going on in their life that they just don't have time to date and aren't willing to make any changes. That person shouldn't bother going on a date and should be up front with whoever asks them out. But I think a lot of people misjudge just how easily they'll be able to change their routine. People with children definitely fall into this category. And I think some people resent having to sacrifice at all. "Why should I give up time with my friends just to go on a date with a stranger," they might say to themselves. I think some people just want to have it all. They don't realize that dating does require making some concessions. I knew a guy who was a competitive bodybuilder. He refused to cut back on his time at the gym to date people. Well, big surprise that he's still single.
I'm not sure if I agree with this. It's not like the flaky people are so easily identified. I also think the people who are flaky tend to change their attitude when they're on the receiving end. It's one thing to play games with someone else. But when those games are being played on you, suddenly you start to realize just how lousy it feels.
The thing about being busy all the time is that most of us want someone who's moderately busy. If you meet someone who doesn't seem to have a life and is always free to meet with you, that's a red flag. Why do they have nothing else going on in their life? Will this person want to spend every waking moment with me? Will they become clingy? On the other hand, someone who seems to have a full life complete with friends, a career, hobbies, etc. is much more attractive. You don't have to worry that they'll see you as the thing that completes them. They won't feel insecure about whether you like them or get upset that you had other plans on a Friday night. They won't look to you as the thing that "completes" them. The extreme, of course, is the person who has so much going on in their life that they just don't have time to date and aren't willing to make any changes. That person shouldn't bother going on a date and should be up front with whoever asks them out. But I think a lot of people misjudge just how easily they'll be able to change their routine. People with children definitely fall into this category. And I think some people resent having to sacrifice at all. "Why should I give up time with my friends just to go on a date with a stranger," they might say to themselves. I think some people just want to have it all. They don't realize that dating does require making some concessions. I knew a guy who was a competitive bodybuilder. He refused to cut back on his time at the gym to date people. Well, big surprise that he's still single.
The bold section is what I'm talking about. You realize how lousy it is to be flaked on, because the person you're seeing is flaking on you. That was the point I was getting at. Many people don't notice it when they're single, but they notice it when they're involved with someone who's doing it to them. You don't pay much attention to it when you're doing it, but you see the error of your ways when its being done to you.
I agree on the concessions or they realize that they screwed up, and the next person they meet gets to reap all the benefits "meant" for the person who was trying to get them to see a different perspective. The springboard effect is rough (think of the movie Good Luck Chuck).
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