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It's a valid point shared valid strange to mention but she's mentioned this before outside of this context and not when all this stuff has kicked off. It's part of a wider discussion and i suspect shes saying shes just emotionally unavailable and figuring **** out. I do agree this is a rejection though. If she wanted it - she would have gone for it. She had said a while back she just needed to be*alone and not with anyone for now but I agree this doesnt look like this will change anytime soon nor will it end well for me based on what I feel anyway - thats just my gut reaction. I have just shared with her I get where she's at and shes figuring things out and that sounds like although she doesnt know what she wants, she doesnt want this for whatever reason right now and thats okay and just to take her time for whoever/whatever makes her happy. I did allude to the fact I kinda needed space and just time to address this stuff myself as it was affecting me. Ive just left it for now and told her if when she does figure out what she wants, if that involves me then she knows where I am and if not its fine as there won't be any regrets.
I suspect itll be a bit awkward as she probably won't know what to do with that but I didn't want her to feel I'm angry or its her fault as it aint - sometimes it just isnt meant to be.
I think I also need to put myself first here and take that space.
I agree - friends and relationships. Its a really tough one and I havent even come across this myself for not this length of time but its a bit of a unique scenario being the first time we are both single but you're right the lesson to be learned is to be straight about it from the beginning. Out of curiosity, what types of problems have you seen with these things?
Cheers for the advice - it is appreciated.
Well, first off, let me say that friends first seems like the best way to find good partner on paper. You get to know each other without any awkwardness and no strings and whatnot, and then a few months or a couple years down the road you find each other single and it's like "I friggen love you!" "I friggen love you back!" And then some dating happens and then love and marriage and kids and white picket fences and the man has the perfect job where he gets equal amounts of home and work time. You know, Disney crap. Especially since you have to basically work your balls off to get anywhere in life anymore.
I've seen some bad break ups from friends-first to relationships and some really good friendships end on some really bad terms from it too. Not all of them ended horribly, some of those people stayed friends, but knew they weren't meant to date each other early on, they just wanted to give it a shot. I've watched several friendships completely dissolve because of the relationship they were in was going so poorly, and of course neither one wanted to end it when the problems started as pebble sized and were still growing into boulder sized shortly after. And if cheating is involved? Not only can and will the relationship end, but I've seen the cheater lose entire groups of friends, and even move away.
Best advice I can give someone who wants a relationship like this: Tell that person you want to get to know them slowly, but you want to be more than friends early. IMO, this is a message that if things don't exactly work out, no one's feelings are hurt and each can move on faster, because no one really wants to toss there feelings out to another person only to have them rejected because they only thought they were just friends and nothing more.
Well, first off, let me say that friends first seems like the best way to find good partner on paper. You get to know each other without any awkwardness and no strings and whatnot, and then a few months or a couple years down the road you find each other single and it's like "I friggen love you!" "I friggen love you back!" And then some dating happens and then love and marriage and kids and white picket fences and the man has the perfect job where he gets equal amounts of home and work time. You know, Disney crap. Especially since you have to basically work your balls off to get anywhere in life anymore.
I've seen some bad break ups from friends-first to relationships and some really good friendships end on some really bad terms from it too. Not all of them ended horribly, some of those people stayed friends, but knew they weren't meant to date each other early on, they just wanted to give it a shot. I've watched several friendships completely dissolve because of the relationship they were in was going so poorly, and of course neither one wanted to end it when the problems started as pebble sized and were still growing into boulder sized shortly after. And if cheating is involved? Not only can and will the relationship end, but I've seen the cheater lose entire groups of friends, and even move away.
Best advice I can give someone who wants a relationship like this: Tell that person you want to get to know them slowly, but you want to be more than friends early. IMO, this is a message that if things don't exactly work out, no one's feelings are hurt and each can move on faster, because no one really wants to toss there feelings out to another person only to have them rejected because they only thought they were just friends and nothing more.
HA! I have to say the first part did amuse me in this 'White Picket Fences' - I agree, there is a little bit of a Disney fallacy at points of how relationships in the real world actually work. It's the part I am worried about also, I mean I'd want to at least give it a try but it's always a bit tricky because that 'new attraction' feeling isn't there as you'd find when you meet someone in the early stages. I'm still really attracted to her, it's just a different type of attraction.
Luckily we're not in the same friends circles, but this I've seen happen before in my own friends circle and you're right it does cause divisions - I have seen a couple of friends make it work/get married but they are more rare than the norm.
The last part, exactly what has happened, but I guess such is life. I think intentions should have been stated earlier on, but just given the circumstances it wasn't possible. Do appreciate the advice though!
If anyone reading this does have any stories of where actually friends getting together has actually worked out, I'm sure me and others on here would be interested to hear if this actually even works...
Hi Jack, As the mother of two sons, whose marriages both failed, my insight says she is just not into you right now and possibly not ever. Continue your friendship(possibly with benefits) and just don't push her into something she is telling you she is not ready for. Definitely do not force a relationship in order to raise a child. Children are the last reason you should use as a basis for marrying or continuing a relationship. She may eventually see herself as worthy of your affection, if you don't push her. Give her some space and time. Rushing her will definitely be cause for failure. She apparently sees herself as damaged in some way, believe her. Back away and let her heal. I think both of you will be thankful!!!
Hi Jack, As the mother of two sons, whose marriages both failed, my insight says she is just not into you right now and possibly not ever. Continue your friendship(possibly with benefits) and just don't push her into something she is telling you she is not ready for. Definitely do not force a relationship in order to raise a child. Children are the last reason you should use as a basis for marrying or continuing a relationship. She may eventually see herself as worthy of your affection, if you don't push her. Give her some space and time. Rushing her will definitely be cause for failure. She apparently sees herself as damaged in some way, believe her. Back away and let her heal. I think both of you will be thankful!!!
Hi Royaloaksgrandma
Thank you so much for the advice and sharing from your own personal experiences. I agree, particularly as it does feel 'she's just not into you right now and possible not ever' - words could not probably be ringing truer. I think what I've felt is best is just to take a step back. You're right. She's basically in a very kind way saying back off. I need to listen to that and not pursue it further (or make it super awkward) - she's going through a lot of stuff from what it seems, but a part of me thinks that she's looking for something else. A part of my has a feeling it could be physical attraction. This might be my own insecurities but I'm currently at the biggest I've been - actively working on building a healthier lifestyle but I can't really begrudge anyone for that. It might not even be that and whatever it is, it's how she feels and I have to respect that. Maybe this will also give me the time to just improve and work on myself. I just hope at some level it doesn't damage the friendship beyond repair - I just can't be her friend right now.
Thanks for your advice - it's very helpful and your sons are very lucky to have you. Let's hope it works out for us both!
Thanks again
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