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You need to walk away. I attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting a few months ago as an out rotation for nursing school. We were encouraged to share our stories. A nursing student shared her story of being married to an alcoholic and was approached after the meeting by several members of the AA meeting. They said to her, "You don't have to live with this. There's a whole life out there for you to live." They also said, "Don't enable him, but don't nag him to quit either. It won't help." It was a very eye-opening experience. Maybe attend an Al-Anon meeting and see get some insight from those who are living it.
Drinking problem aside, you voiced a serious concern about the relationship and he chose to not address it AND yell at you when you pushed the issue.
That's going to be a serious issue within marriage no matter what it is.... behavior, financials, children etc.
My wife wouldn't marry me until I addressed my anxiety/anger issues. She became an integral part of the process... but the first step is to admit that it was impacting my relationship with my fiance. I couldn't do it without her.
I have been engaged for 1 year to my fiance who is an alcoholic. Although he is a good guy, I am extremely unhappy and conflicted, with his behavior. I have expressed my unhappiness to him about his problem and he tells me that he will "slow down",but he never seems to make an effort to do so. I have told him on many occasions how concerned I am on the effect this is causing on our relationship, and family. I've even suggested counseling and AA but he refuses to seek help. I don't know how much more of this I could take, and I am afraid that this will be the demise of our relationship and ultimately our marriage. I want to be able to support him in anyway I can but feel that I cannot do so until he steps up and admits to himself that he has a problem, and gets help. I refuse to enable his addiction, but it is hard when he comes straight home from work to the garage and drinks at least a 6 pack a day. I don't want him getting confrontational, and yelling at the top of his lungs so that the neighbors could hear him. Advice on this forum would be helpful. Thanks.
Don't do it.
My first husband (divorced him over 20 years ago) was an alcoholic who only got worse with time. He let his entire family go, both wives, and drove most of his non bar going friends away because of his drinking. He slowly put on over 100lbs in the years following our divorce. Had lost more than one job, that I know of, because of alcoholism. He died alone, literally with a few empty cans around him. I know this because I was in his house shortly after he passed (he was the father of my oldest) and saw this for myself. His body wasn't there any longer but the beer cans still were. Just to be clear on that point.
My ex did engage in drinking and driving and thought nothing of it. Once he got his license back he continued doing it. The only constant in his life was alcohol and cigarettes.
Obviously don't regret having my oldest child but I regret he was her father. He was not a good example of how to live or how to be a parent. Incredibly selfish person, as active addicts always are. My fault for marrying him though, I knew better. Our child has been in a lot of therapy over the years.
He once had been a great guy while sober but problem was he was rarely ever sober. Eventually he was just as much of a jerk sober as he was drunk. He wasted his entire life on booze but never blamed himself. Everyone else was at fault. Also typical.
Forget about being engaged. At this moment in your mind imagine you are already married. Are you happy? Do you see happiness in your future? Now picture kids with this man. You have your answer.
Also, if AA isn't his idea and he doesn't have the motivation to quit - your motivation for him to quit means nothing.
Same ex I described above, when we were married he often drank himself into alcohol poisoning and hospital stays. After one particularly bad case of excessive drinking, blacking out, and alcohol poisoning, he landed himself in the hospital.
The day he got out he was in the hospital bed and I "made him promise" he would get help. I knew better, logically, but our child was very young and I was grasping at anything for him to stop drinking. He said he would, made a lot of big promises. Again, I really did know better.
By that very night he was back at his favorite bar drunk off his a**. By the next year we were divorced. Leaving him was hands down the best thing I ever did for that relationship.
I have been engaged for 1 year to my fiance who is an alcoholic. Although he is a good guy, I am extremely unhappy and conflicted, with his behavior. I have expressed my unhappiness to him about his problem and he tells me that he will "slow down",but he never seems to make an effort to do so. I have told him on many occasions how concerned I am on the effect this is causing on our relationship, and family. I've even suggested counseling and AA but he refuses to seek help. I don't know how much more of this I could take, and I am afraid that this will be the demise of our relationship and ultimately our marriage. I want to be able to support him in anyway I can but feel that I cannot do so until he steps up and admits to himself that he has a problem, and gets help. I refuse to enable his addiction, but it is hard when he comes straight home from work to the garage and drinks at least a 6 pack a day. I don't want him getting confrontational, and yelling at the top of his lungs so that the neighbors could hear him. Advice on this forum would be helpful. Thanks.
If you think he will change once you are married he won't. Just be prepared for more of the same. If I was dating a woman that had deal breaking habits such as this I wouldn't go through the marriage until/if she worked out her issues.
A 6 pack after working all day? Where I come from...that isn't that bad! Now if he were drinking a 6 pack at work, then coming home and drinking another 6 pack, or drinking a case a day...then I would label him an alcoholic.
If he can't or won't knock off the drinking of that particular amount, or really any, and the drinking is causing problems in his life, that's alcoholism. Quantity and how many times a day he's drinking isn't the issue.
I couldn't drink a six pack every night if I tried. I would be drunk after 2-3 and puking by #4. If I refused to cut back, knock it off altogether, and/or it was causing problems in my life, even "only" 2-3 beers a night, that's a problem.
*I'm not a big drinker and only 5'1" and 110lbs, which is why 2-3 beers does me in.
Ditto. Also take an honest look at whether you have the strength and wherewithal to cope when he hits rock-bottom, and be strong and non-judgmental when he has relapses. As nice as it would be for addicts to join AA, get tons of support and accountability from their loved ones, and stay sober for happily ever after... it's highly unlikely that the process will be that smooth and uneventful, because he will have to do that while dealing with the struggles and setbacks that are part of adult life.
Now, all of this is assuming that he's not an angry drunk who has the potential for violence when he's drinking. If so, then you are an absolute fool to stay with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caltovegas
Forget about being engaged. At this moment in your mind imagine you are already married. Are you happy? Do you see happiness in your future? Now picture kids with this man. You have your answer.
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