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Batter women shelters have a lot of resources, if your sister is ready to get out. They can send her and her children out of the state to another states batter women shelter if she agrees. Tell her not to worry about the house, her investment lies in her still being here to take care of her children and grand children, it might be hard to start over, but it is worth it. If theres a 211 information line in the state contact them, just pick up the phone and dial 211, you will hear a recording, follow the prompts and you will be directed to a counselor that can give you a host of resources. Tell them the situation, one day while he's at work, pack as much as she can and leave. Make sure she has important papers such as marriage license, birth certificates (for everyone with her), social security cards etc, etc. It would be best if she was sent to a shelter out of town, as you said he has threatened her life. The shelter will assist her in filing for divorce, personal needs, nursery, some financial aid, housing and becoming self sufficient again.
I totally agree. The sister should seriously consider (no, do it) calling a Domestic Abuse Hotline and they can help her make a plan such as this, if she is having trouble making a move (traumatized).
I called Sis back tonite and invited her out to a movie tomorrow so that I can get her alone and talk to her. I just wonder if he will let her go or if she is going to call me with some lame excuse. She doesn't have to watch her grandson tomorrow because her daughter will be home to take care of him and the younger daughter while we are out. Hubby won't do anything to them but yell if that. I don't think she is willing to go out of town because her daughter does have a job and my sis babysits 2 of her grandchildren. One of them is her sons who lives near her.
will 211 work in any state? I have never hears of that before. But will give it a shot also.
phoebecressy1- very good info Thank you. Will do.
arussell- sorry to hear about your sister, but better him then her. I do need to get my sis out of this before something like this happens in our situation. I just have a gut feeling that I can not let this go on much longer and that I need to push my sis into making a move instead of waiting for her to be "ready" to make a move like I have for the past 3 years.
I know it will not get better and he will never change for the better. It can only get worse. I actually had her call and leave a message on my answering machine a couple weeks ago while he was at work stating what she feared that he would do when he got home from work so that I would have something for the police in the event that anything happened.
Then her hubby was nice again and she was ok until last night. Now he is a maniac again.
I am considering having her write a note as to the things she has gone through and her fears of him and all the things he has threatened. Then having it notarized and sealed if it should ever be needed in a court proceeding.
What do you think of this idea?
Again....specializing in alcohol abuse and alcoholizm, and everything CAUSED by it.
Domestic Violence does NOT have to be the result of and CAUSED by alcohol, and could be triggered by numerous things.
If someone has cancer....you won't treat them for a caugh. Would you?
You're right.
However, I don't think DSR meant it as either of you need help dealing with an alcoholic, but more the codependency issues involved in dramatic situations like this. (Correct me if I'm wrong, DSR) That's how I took it.
To the OP, I understand this situation is very emotional for you. It would be for anyone, but now is the time to put all emotion aside and think rationally. Your sister needs you and you need to keep your wit. She's obviously questioning herself and the more level-headed and straight you are with her, the better.
You seem to be doing a great job thus far. Keep it up. Good luck to you.
If there is NOT a 211 in your area, Google "domestic abuse agencies" or "domestic abuse hotlines" and call one of the 800 numbers. EVEN IF the agency is not in your area, they should be able to refer you to one IN your area or nearby. Most emergency rooms at hospitals have this information also, as do the Psych/counseling departments of colleges and universities. These places are ALL just a phone call away...
The "cycle of abuse" includes this maniac/nice guy/maniac pattern -- all of them do. It is meaningless, really, that "he got nice again"...it's the overall picture that couunts.
Please try to have your sister contact someone. If you pave the way and give her the number to call, maybe having called them yourself so you can tell her there truly is help there, this will pave the way to action.
I see you are in Illinois.....there are NUMEROUS agencies in the Chicago area and surrounding counties. Please call one or any of the emergency rooms at the huge hospitals in Chicago....Northwestern Memorial, University of Chicago, Rush Medical Center....they have this info.
The agencies would be faster...there are many here.....
Thanks for all of your advise. This really helps. I took her and her 13 yr old daughter to a movie today. I think it was good for her to get out. She said that Monday she is going to go out and see what she can do and get done. She said she is going to have her 18 yr old take her but I think I will do it. That way I will be sure that sure carries thru with it and I will know what is going on so that I can help her with it. She may not remember everything they tell her annd I think she needs me there to assist her. I am sure I will be back here for more advise.
Thanks again.
Yeah she is finally going to take the first step!!!!
Definitely keep us posted on things, and the hopeful progress your sis is making with this issue.
I wish her (and you) tons, and tons of best wishes and luck!
She KNOWS you are there, and that's what makes this whole thing happen.
A new chapter in life....that's what it's all about.
Just make sure, AFTER she has been out, that she will be surrounded by people she loves and trusts, because trying to start a new life routine is unsettling, overwhelming, chaotic...and no doubt will she be depressed. That's when the "thinking" and "self blaming"process starts....(Could I have done more? Was it me, bringing out the worse in him? Is it my fault?)
That and the guilt of it all, drive people sometimes BACK to their aggressors.
She needs to be set with her mind, re- assurance, and that's why it is so essential for her to surround herself with trusted people.....afterwards.
Good luck!
I totally agree. The sister should seriously consider (no, do it) calling a Domestic Abuse Hotline and they can help her make a plan such as this, if she is having trouble making a move (traumatized).
Totally agree. They also help with restraining orders, will go to court to witness for you, help you leave, and other things.
They also have classes and such that she can attend to help her get her mind straight. to be around others like you helps to see the seriousness of it also.
I feel for women in these positions.
Again....specializing in alcohol abuse and alcoholizm, and everything CAUSED by it.
Domestic Violence does NOT have to be the result of and CAUSED by alcohol, and could be triggered by numerous things.
Domestic violence is a symptom and is treated the same way. Especially for the family member who is drawn into and involved in the drama, Al-Anon is for the family and friends whose loved ones are involved in situations including domestic violence, and the practical help found there directly addresses what the person in the opening post is in the middle of.
There are resources to help the person who is the victim of domestic violence. Al-Anon is a resource for the family members and loved ones who themselves need resources to cope with the drama. Al-Anon is for the person posting. One symptom she needs it is trying to rescue a loved one.
Yes, there is a 211 organization in Chicago,IL. There is HELP LINK ILLINOIS:The address is 300 North Elizabeth Street,Suite 610-C Chicago,IL 60607/ The phone number is 1 800-725-5314 or you can go to there website at your local library/personal computer, type in 2-1-1, then nationwide status, they will ask for your zip code to give you information on your area. They are open from 8:30 am-5:00 pm, you can also email them at helplink@communityresourcenetwork.org. There is also ASSN. For Individual Development, there address is 400 North Highland Avenue, Aurora,IL 60506. This is a number to a crisis line of the Fox Valley:630-966-9393. Let us know how things work out. If you need any additional information on how 211 works, just continue to post here and i would be more than happy to help. I have personally experienced this with self/ family members, i'm so very sorry you all are going through this, but there are better days ahead. Take action now and keep your head up.
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Batter women shelters have a lot of resources, if your sister is ready to get out. They can send her and her children out of the state to another states batter women shelter if she agrees. Tell her not to worry about the house, her investment lies in her still being here to take care of her children and grand children, it might be hard to start over, but it is worth it. If theres a 211 information line in the state contact them, just pick up the phone and dial 211, you will hear a recording, follow the prompts and you will be directed to a counselor that can give you a host of resources. Tell them the situation, one day while he's at work, pack as much as she can and leave. Make sure she has important papers such as marriage license, birth certificates (for everyone with her), social security cards etc, etc. It would be best if she was sent to a shelter out of town, as you said he has threatened her life. The shelter will assist her in filing for divorce, personal needs, nursery, some financial aid, housing and becoming self sufficient again.
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