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i know we aren't married but to me a piece of paper does not make a difference.
It makes a difference with your lease, and it makes a difference with your relationship. Marriage is a legally binding contract that you are not obligated to here.
It's your choice, but know that staying has its risks.
At any rate, that's putting the cart before the horse. He may answer the question of "stay or go" for you.
Would you be with him if he would tell what he is taking? Why you are afraid? Is he violent? Why you cannot set pills on the table and ask what is with them?
i know we aren't married but to me a piece of paper does not make a difference.
I hate to agree, but I agree. If you truly care for him as your significant other, and as a human, i think you should at least try to help him help himself. If you simply don't care because a drug addict was lying to you, and want to just cut/run that's your prerogative, too.
What do you expect from a substance abuser? Of course, they lie. You think he or she will just come out and say "I have an substance abuse problem I need help"? Highly unlikely, intervention is usually the case.
Last edited by hawaiiancoconut; 05-28-2015 at 12:39 PM..
Can't believe i'm posting this here but i need advice. I've been with my boyfriend 5 years, we recently just moved in together in February 2015. There have been times throughout the 5 years where i thought maybe he was taking some kind of "downer" pills just due to the fact that he didn't seem himself and seemed very "dopy" (slurred speach, drowsy, just not all there)... i asked him about it and he always denied it and just said he was tired. this was rare too, maybe it happened 4-5 times throughout the 5 years. Now fast forward to current day, living together for 3 months now, and i've noticed this has been happening much more frequently (few times a week he seems in this "altered" state). i confronted him and asked him "is everything ok, you seem kind of out of it" and asked if he was taking anything. he denied it. i had such a gut feeling about this and didn't know what to do that i snooped around his stuff in our apartment and i found pills in his bag (not sure if i'm allowed to post on here what kind of pills they were?). so now i don't know what to do. i know that it is a huge breach of privacy and trust that i went snooping but at the same time i feel completely justified as i knew deep down in my heart/gut that something was wrong and he was taking something. i obviously have to talk to him about this but i'm not sure how mad/upset he is going to be that i went through his stuff. and the second questions is - how do i know if i'm supposed to continue on in this relationship? and how can i trust him if he says he won't take them anymore yet he lied to me when he has denied taking them in the past? is this fixable? i'm feeling as if its a dealbreaker, but to end a 5 year relationship over this without working on it doesn't seem right either. we have invested a lot of time into this relationship. i'm hoping there is someone here who can relate.
Kind of. Here's this thing. Once drugs are a presence, it's not just the drugs. Lift the flap and you'll see evidence of him having work, family problems, problems functioning, problems in the way the two of you relate. It will permeate a lot of things in the man's life. The drug problem is not just something you can set in a paper bag on the shelf, and say, Oh we will deal with this when it starts causing "serious enough" problems.
Set a boundary. Let him know you love him, but he has to begin measures to address this situation, and I mean serious measures, not just a few meetings or a little summit or seminar if he wants to keep you. Some very good treatment centers have programs where he can be a resident during just the weekends with evening followup meetings for him. Might look into that. He might be in denial, but that doesn't mean you have to be. You can't afford to be. The stance you have to take with him is that you love him and want to help him, but you are not going to enable. He's going to have to do the work. You can't do the work for him. You ask how can you trust him. You can't. An addict will lie cheat and worse to protect their supply. And the realization of that by the ones who love him hurts like hell. You two need counseling for the trust issues. He's been caught. Now is he going to keep playing games to maneuver you into calming down about this, or are the two of you going to face it like a committed couple should?
No they are not prescription meds. and actually the bottle had his co-workers name on them, so i know he is getting them from his co-worker.
So not only is he a liar and a drug user, he's committing a crime by taking prescription drugs written for someone else. And he is friends with someone who is supplying him with drugs.
You need a new boyfriend before you become wrapped up in this. You aren't thinking of having kids with this guy, I hope.
He's been lying about a very serious thing. For a long time.
Yep. OP, DO NOT fall into the trap of "But I've invested so much time..."
You've invested so much time, unfortunately, in someone who appears to be dishonest, hiding illegal drug use, and engaging in criminal activity. Taking someone else's prescription drugs IS A CRIMINAL OFFENSE. Yeah, you've invested so much time. Do you really want to invest MORE?
It's NEVER just dugs. Illicit substance use and abuse is a symptom in and of itself of various personal and psychiatric problems.
If you feel compelled to try and help him, that's understandable (fairly likely to be ineffective, as the person himself needs to take ownership of the problem, and it remains to be seen if that would happen if you were to confront him). But you don't need to stay in a relationship with somebody whose behavior runs counter to what is acceptable and normal in a healthy relationship.
I lived with somebody for five years, too. Somebody who lied about things. Big things. Not necessarily the same situation as yours, but not wholly different, in effect. When things ended, I thought, "But I've invested so much time..." However, now, years later, I look back at it from the context of my stable, happy marriage to a good person with his stuff together, and think, "Thank God I ONLY lost five years."
i know we aren't married but to me a piece of paper does not make a difference.
It makes a big difference actually. It's a GOOD thing you're not married. I'm not saying addicts are terrible people either. It's just that addicts are manipulative people by nature of the addiction and some are highly manipulative, more than others.
Divorcing my ex was no walk in the park. He was able to charm just about everyone....many, many people did not believe me regarding certain situations. Also, judges are supposed to be non-biased but....um, yah. That's all I'll say about that.
If you need/want to get out of the relationship at some point, it's much easier to leave a BF than to have to divorce him down the road.
I'm not one to say what anyone should do and it's great some people can and do stay to support a person experiencing addiction problems. I know I couldn't and definitely know I would never try to do so again. It's very exhausting, to say the least.
Recovery is possible but it has to be your BF's chosen path, not the one you choose for him and try to make work. You can't "fix" him.
i know we aren't married but to me a piece of paper does not make a difference.
I'm the same way. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years. It's the same as marriage to us. It doesn't make any difference if you're married or not if it's a committed, serious relationship.
I've never used drugs, but I have had times where I got too drunk and said or did things I regret, and I am fortunate my girlfriend stuck with me and gave me a chance to prove that's not me. Just mistakes. Sometimes, with guy friends, you get carried away and drink too much, but that doesn't make you an alcoholic or a horrible person. It just means you made a mistake and have to find ways to make sure it doesn't happen again (like a strict limit of how many drinks you have, etc., moderate drinking only).
I would hope that maybe your boyfriend can kick that habit and understand it's not good for him, his relationship, or his life.
It makes a big difference actually. It's a GOOD thing you're not married. I'm not saying addicts are terrible people either. It's just that addicts are manipulative people by nature of the addiction and some are highly manipulative, more than others.
Divorcing my ex was no walk in the park. He was able to charm just about everyone....many, many people did not believe me regarding certain situations. Also, judges are supposed to be non-biased but....um, yah. That's all I'll say about that.
If you need/want to get out of the relationship at some point, it's much easier to leave a BF than to have to divorce him down the road.
I'm not one to say what anyone should do and it's great some people can and do stay to support a person experiencing addiction problems. I know I couldn't and definitely know I would never try to do so again. It's very exhausting, to say the least.
Recovery is possible but it has to be your BF's chosen path, not the one you choose for him and try to make work. You can't "fix" him.
Yes i understand its easier to walk away from a boyfriend than a marriage. what i meant was that i dont think a piece of paper (marriage license) means you work any harder on a relationship than when you are not married.
if two people date for 3 years and are married for 2 (total of 5 years), yet my boyfriend and i have been together for 5 years as well without marriage, i think the level of commitment are the same, and i think the level of love there is the same as well. heck, the people married may have less commitment since 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway. whether there is a piece of paper saying we are committed to each other or not does not make a difference to me when it comes to trying to make it work. of course this is just my opinion.
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