My soon to be wife and her list (dating, boyfriends, marriage)
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So Ive been dating this german girl for over a year and a few weeks ago I asked her to marry me. Everything was going great even though we had to split for a while (she lives in Germany and I live in Mexico).
Im moving to Germany for her, leaving my company, my family and my friends behind to be with her because she says she cant live away from her parents.
A week ago we were facetiming and she brought up her "sex partners" list to the conversation. I knew she had boyfriends before me and also not boyfriend guys who she slept with, with which Im ok giving that I was highly sexually active before meeting her.
After learning about this list, I told her it makes me very uncomfortable that she keeps a list that reminds her of her past sex partners and relationships, so I asked her to get rid of it.
Her response was a negative. She said that it was important to her to keep that list because in 20 or 30 years she wants to know the names of the guys with whom she slept with in order for her not to feel like a *****.
I responded telling her that she doesn't need to know that, that all that is in the past and she should let it go. I also told her that it was very important to me for her to make that list disappear.
She keeps saying no, even though that might always be a problem between us.
What you guys think? Am I being irational or is she? Is it really worth it to jeopardize our relationship for a list? And by the way, I think girl keeping such lists is not classy and lady-like.
It doesn't matter if you think it's classy or lady like at all. You don't get to make that choice for her. In fact, you should never have asked her to get rid of it.
She isn't keeping it so that she can look at it and daydream about those men. She's keeping it because she feels like that's part of her history that it would be wrong to simply forget. And you can't tell her to throw her whole past out the window just because now YOU'RE here! If you can't accept her--past, present, and future--then you shouldn't be marrying her. Seriously.
But here's something for you...
I had a list, too. I kept it stashed away, when I met my husband he saw it a few times, we talked about it, but it didn't matter much. We moved a few times and it ended up lost or thrown away. I wasn't paying attention, because I think that within the first few years, I reached a point where it simply didn't matter anymore. He didn't force me to reach that point (you can't) I just did on my own. I was too busy living my life with this man to worry about what had come before. The years went by and most of those memories have faded out, and I just don't care or have a problem with it. If I tried to recreate the list, I know I'd be missing some names, because I really cannot remember them anymore, although I do recall the number.
It really sounds to me like you are judgmental of where she came from though, and think that the things she did prior to you are somehow shameful and you're going to make an honest woman out of her. Let me tell you sir, if you have that attitude, your marriage is gonna have problems. I put up with mine for 18 years with a man who made me hate myself, and I could not be happier that it is now OVER. She has nothing to be ashamed of. Not her history, and not her list. She'll forget about it when it's not important to her anymore. If you make her happy, instead of fighting with her over dumb things like this, then that time is going to come a lot faster.
So Ive been dating this german girl for over a year and a few weeks ago I asked her to marry me. Everything was going great even though we had to split for a while (she lives in Germany and I live in Mexico).
Im moving to Germany for her, leaving my company, my family and my friends behind to be with her because she says she cant live away from her parents.
A week ago we were facetiming and she brought up her "sex partners" list to the conversation. I knew she had boyfriends before me and also not boyfriend guys who she slept with, with which Im ok giving that I was highly sexually active before meeting her.
After learning about this list, I told her it makes me very uncomfortable that she keeps a list that reminds her of her past sex partners and relationships, so I asked her to get rid of it.
Her response was a negative. She said that it was important to her to keep that list because in 20 or 30 years she wants to know the names of the guys with whom she slept with in order for her not to feel like a *****.
I responded telling her that she doesn't need to know that, that all that is in the past and she should let it go. I also told her that it was very important to me for her to make that list disappear.
She keeps saying no, even though that might always be a problem between us.
What you guys think? Am I being irational or is she? Is it really worth it to jeopardize our relationship for a list? And by the way, I think girl keeping such lists is not classy and lady-like.
Thank you
I agree with what you said (bold print).
If I were you, my other concern would be you leaving everything/everyone behind because she "can't live away from her parents." Seems like an entirely unfair situation to me.
On the one hand it's some stupid piece of paper you shouldn't care about. On the other hand, why is it such a big deal for her to throw it away?
I would have gotten rid of it. That's not asking for much considering you are engaged now and couples make compromises.
Not necessarily, although it's not a bad idea if you are still active with multiple partners.
Actually if I were a man, and I were the kind of man who worries about a wife cheating, I'd let her think that I didn't care, I'd covertly find out where she kept that list, and I would not touch it for a while but occasionally when she was out of the house, I'd probably peek at it. There is a certain sacred honesty that women keep with such lists. She might write down any flings if she had them, you never know...
If she keeps a list, she shouldn't mention it to you. I mean, she spoke to you about previous partners, why did she need to tell you about the list then? What kind of reaction did she expect you to have? Not pleased obviously. I think that she is either immature, or she's deliberately trying to upset you and make you feel jealous, or she completely lacked any tact on that occasion. Hopefully you'll soon be able to forget about this incident, but she should also learn to respect your feelings more.
Last edited by BlazingStars; 06-08-2015 at 04:35 PM..
If she keeps a list, she shouldn't mention it to you. I mean, she spoke to you about previous partners, why did she need to tell you about the list then? What kind of reaction did she expect you to have? Not pleasant obviously. I think that she is either immature, or she's deliberately trying to upset you and make you feel jealous, or she completely lacked any tact on that oaccasion.. Hopefully you'll soon be able to forget about this incident, but she should also learn to respect your feelings more.
It does seem like poor judgment, or like some kind of agenda, idk. People keep lists? I've never heard of this. Weird. Like trophies? WTH?!
Are you sure a year of dating is enough time for getting to know her, to base a marriage proposal on, OP? And to give up your job to go somewhere, where you may have trouble finding a job? Do you speak German? Last I heard, Germany wasn't hiring Spanish speakers. But seriously, have you thought this through? I hope so. Seems like an awfully big plunge to take, all things considered.
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But seriously, have you thought this through? I hope so. Seems like an awfully big plunge to take, all things considered.
