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My boyfriend is a Christian and I am an atheist. He wants to get married. Can this work?
Only you know yourself and what will work for your relationship. It would NOT work for me.
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We've been dating for about four years. We were both born and raised in the SDA church. I always had my doubts but over the last few years, I have become comfortable with my unbelief in God.
Like, in the same way you "unbelieve" Brahman and Mithras?
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I have not yet "come out" as an atheist. I continue to attend church and I even help out in certain church activities. I think I need to stop attending because I think it makes things confusing. But leaving is hard and finding something else to fill my time is hard. I consider my local church to be part of my family and I still consider myself a cultural SDA.
Everyone has a different and unique experience when the cognitive dissonance snaps and they no longer have faith in the teachings they once believed in. I'm not sure what your background is as far as the nature of your deconversion, but my process was slow in the beginning, and then it continued to progress. The more information I acquired that challenged my presuppositions, the less involved I became in my church and other activities. We eventually stopped going and I needed to sort out a lot of things as far as where I fit, and how to make sense of everything.
Depending on where you live there may be meetup groups for skeptics and nontheists, if what you're missing is the social gatherings or fellowship. I lost a lot of friends when I "came out," and, really, I had no desire to continue living and being part of that culture.
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I have told my parents and my boyfriend about this but I believe they are in denial. He seems to think I will just come around some day.
You'll get this a lot. Many always assume apostasy is a phase. I am a nontheist (relative metaphysical atheist/ignostic), but I am a skeptic. They are different in many ways. I didn't "lose" my faith. I voluntarily left it behind. It was a willful, deliberate choice not based on mere whim, but careful thought, research, study, investigation, etc., spanning nearly a year and a half. There was no anger, hurt, bitterness or whatever that led to it. It was an intellectual process, not an emotionally-based one. My father is an Independent Baptist apologist and youth preacher (I was hard core IFB, too), and he was convinced it was a phase or that I'd "see the light" or whatever. My old friends thought the same, and guess what, 7.5 years later and the idea of believing in deities is as bizarre as believing in the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. My mind can not go back there because I did see the light.
And if I ever had an inclination to believe in a deity or First Cause it would not be El/Yahweh, Jesus and Holy Spirit. It makes no sense to me in the same way I can't believe in the Egyptian or Norse pantheon. It's just not going to happen. Scratch that, I actually really like Thor. He's such a hunk of a war god (like Yahweh).
If they can't or won't understand then you're going to face serious challenges, and you'll need to decide if it's worth it. The majority of relationships I know of where one party leaves the Church... don't work out for a host of reasons. My exH and I deconverted around the same time, but I think he was a closet skeptic the entire time, because it wasn't really a "process" for him like it was for me. I was by far the more religious one.
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I wouldn't say never but I don't see how I could ever become a believer again. I don't see myself raising little SDA children. I am not rejecting religion just to be a rebel. This is something I've thought long and hard about. I had a period of time where I really tried to make myself believe. But in the end, I've come to a conclusion I am comfortable with. The idea of marrying someone and faking my faith isn't appealing at all. He isn't the type who merely goes to church every week casually. He is very much involved, active, and holds leadership positions.Perhaps if he were willing to compromise, it could work... I don't know. Or do we just need to cut our losses and move on?
Jibbers crabst. There's no way I could marry someone who is *that* involved in their church when we hold completely antithetical views concerning pretty much every major topic. I was the involved one during my first marriage (we came from the same religious background and it was important that my marriage be "equally yoked." It was a strict principle when I was growing up.) We went to Sunday morning and evening service, Wednesday service, women's/men's Bible study, and "soul-winning" nights. I highly doubt my exH would have wanted to remain married had he deconverted and I remained active in my faith and church, and I wouldn't blame him.
Look, I get that you love him and all, but if this culture doesn't work for you long term, and there very likely will be a lot of issues that pop up, it's best to decide that now before you get married. Think long and hard whether you'll be able to overlook or get past whatever may come up, and consider what type of partnership you want to have. How does he view marriage, and what "roles" does he feel are important. Are you his helpmate, or an equal partner? What issues concern you, are important to you, that you don't see eye to eye on? Are there deal-breakers? What about finances? Does he have the last say? And raising children... that's a big one. I'm a huge social justice advocate. I could not be with someone who opposed such rights... "opinions" be damned. Those are opinions I flat out reject, have absolutely no respect for whatsoever, so there's no way I could be with such a person.
You're not talking Unitarian Universalist Christian -- heck, I could possibly do an uber UU Christian or churchgoer. What you're talking about is conservative protestant beliefs and culture. What if he starts pressuring you to attend church or uses fear-mongering and bogus scare tactics?
If you're the type that is kumbaya-let's-hold-hands and is more passive about your skepticism or nontheism (not unbelief) then it could work if that is the marriage you want. Some people are able to just accept the differences that exist and refuse to discuss them, and for others, like myself, that isn't at all possible. Remember, he's not a pew-warmer. He doesn't just casually believe or simply claim faith, but isn't active in his faith or church. He's an active member, and you need to make sure you're okay with that and everything that comes with it.
It's not "to me." It's Jesus's teaching, and if I believe in Jesus, then that's what I believe.
That's what Christianity is. There is only one way to Heaven, and it's thorough the live and sacrifice of Jesus.
Actually, no it's not. Considering the character "Jesus" didn't write a damn thing it isn't "his" teaching at all. Also, consider that fact that Paul/Saul never met Jesus, and was not contemporary to Jesus, nor were the writers of the gospel narratives.
But that's besides the point because there is no concept of eternal torment in the Tankah, and the concept of eternal torment did not emerge until after the third century at the order of the Church Fathers. The doctrine did not exist during the early Church at all. The doctrine was heavily influenced during the post-exilic period involving the Jews' Babylonian exile where they came into contact with the Mazdayasni faith, the Avestan tradition, that contained a great many concepts and themes that were later adopted by post-exilic Jews and Christians.
Actually, a lot of major Christian doctrines were heavily influenced by this tradition (and Hellenism), including its monotheism. The roots and origins of eternal torment and various eschatological themes and "[ha]Satan" are quite fascinating, but it's these roots that give it the proper cultural and exegetical context.
When folks start talking about what "Jesus said..." I can't help but laugh because it's so basic and simple-minded to apply so little or virtually no context to such ancient texts (literary, hermeneutical, exegetical, cultural, linguistic, comparative, political, etc.)
You have group A believing in their fairly tales and group B believing in their fairy tales, you have to be able to see if you can get together in group C and believe in that set of fairy tales...
It's all about which group of fairy tales we can agree on....
You have group A believing in their fairly tales and group B believing in their fairy tales, you have to be able to see if you can get together in group C and believe in that set of fairy tales...
It's all about which group of fairy tales we can agree on....
I'm gonna start a church centered around dogs... cause dogs are about the only thing that is consistent in this world....
Organized religion leaves a bad taste in my mouth, history is littered with stories of religious conquests and tons and tons of deaths have happened in said pursuits...
Not much has happened in the "dogma" of dogs.... LOL....
Can a set of people make it work, yeah... if both parties agree that they don't have a f ing clue about the greater universe and are open to accepting new thoughts about it... then yeah, it might work...
I'm an atheist, and I highly doubt that such a fundamentally divergent worldview between myself and my wife would work. But that's me. There certainly are mixed couples of this sort that do indeed make it work.
So you need to answer for you and your situation. But to start, you need to be out and you need to understand each other and you need to decide together how (and if) your differences can be resolved to the satisfaction of you both in the context of your relationship.
Incidentally, I'm SDA as well. First of all, you need to be honest with yourself and at least with your boyfriend. Family can wait for now. Stop faking, stop going to church and let him know that it's not a phase, but a personal belief that you don't see changing. But be prepared for a breakup.
It sounds like he's also SDA. He also needs to make a decision. It sounds like his faith is a very important part of his life. And it sounds like he wants to marry you because he thinks that you'll come around eventually. You need to be upfront with him now, so you guys know where you stand. Now, if he still decides to marry you, that's his decision. He may still be holding out hope, but that's on him. Personally, if I were you, and I suspected that was the case, I wouldn't marry him because you'll start feeling like he's not taking you seriously. But if you guys get married while you're still 'faking', you're setting your marriage up for failure, especially when kids come on the scene. Since he's very active in the church, he'll want his kids to be as well, which is something you're against. And your wishes need to be respected too. It's going to confuse your kids too.
Another thing: if you guys do decide to go through with things after you've been upfront with him, it's going to be very hard to find an SDA minister to marry you guys-- if that's what you want. You know our church is very insistent on the 'equally yolked' thing and premarital counseling, and your disbelief would be an automatic deal breaker for many of them especially since your dude is very active in the church.
To me, it wouldn't be a too much of a deal if he was just attending church but the fact that he holds positions and the like, the chances of you guys finding a happy medium are slim. Because this is a significant part of his lifestyle. Having him draw back from his involvement to suit you would cause resentment, and so would you participating in a faith you have no belief in.
Talk to him, be upfront with him. If you really are committed to your atheism, he needs to know, because I suspect in his mind, there is a vast world of difference between simple apathy towards church (which he's holding out hope of fixing) and outright rejection of the faith. Once you talk with him, then you'll know where to go from there.
In any relationship, if you have to wonder if marriage would work after four years together, the answer is probably "no." In your case, it's definitely a "no."
First, you need to be comfortable and confident enough in your views as an atheist to be public with them. That means not only telling your family and your boyfriend, but living as an atheist, without attending church or "faking it" in any way. If you're not ready, willing, or able to stand up and be yourself to those closest to you, you're not ready for marriage by a long shot. If you're still going to church, you're not there yet.
Second, if he holds leadership positions in the church, be braced for him to try to push you to return to it when you stop attending. I don't know your boyfriend, but I can't imagine someone who is into his church that much being willing to compromise on how he raises his kids. Your leaving the church could be a dealbreaker for him and render the whole dilemma moot, anyway.
Bottom line is, both people in a marriage need to be their authentic selves for a marriage to succeed. Right now, you're not. This is not to malign you or make you feel bad. I know it's a process. I'm an atheist myself, and I had 12 years of Catholic school. Most people found out I was no longer Catholic when they received my wedding invitation and saw that the wedding was being held at a Unitarian-Universalist congregation.
I would not do that. It is not up to families whether two people get married, or how two people raise their children. OP is going to have enough on her plate coming out as an atheist. She doesn't need to put herself in a situation where two clans of people can gang up on her in the name of their religion. That's just asking for misery.
I apologize. I'm just culturally inclined to say that. I was brought up in a very family oriented environment and like things to remain that way. If things get tough, I always head to my parents or elder relatives for advice, because I don't know any better. Making choices all alone seem impossible for me without external assistance.
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