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If you look at their situation, they didn't really break up per se (b/c of incompatibility or anything else), it was more just a matter of circumstance. As such, their (presumably positive) feelings (which we don't have full control over) towards each other still remained after they separated and could still be present today.
Exactly.
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A friend once told me that people are as loyal as their options --> good advice to keep in mind.
Agree 100%
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Think of how many people you've gone on a few dates with here and there and how many of them are still in your life. My advice is to be honest about what you're seeing and not let your emotions cloud your judgement so as to excuse behavior that seems questionable. Another good quote to keep in mind: If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck...
Something to think about totally
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While I totally see where you're coming from, but comparing the dynamics of your marriage to this girl's situation is like apples to oranges. Or like apples to shoe laces, even..
Although maybe not too similar, I recently dated a guy who had a long term friend that he didn't tell me about. I stayed over at his place and woke up and went outside and I heard a female voice and he was talking on video chat with her and when he saw me, he hid the phone. It just felt weird to me. Later I asked if he would date her and he got defensive and said he didn't want to start an argument and said I'm not going to date someone who lives far away. So I just gave up on the situation. He tried to get me to stay but I already had a bit of a bad feeling before that
Happened anyway
Moral of the story is that if you get a bad feeling
About something, trust it. He still has a photo of her. Hard truth- he may still have feelings. Don't be someone's second choice. It's honestly better to be single than to be someone's consolation prize.
Although maybe not too similar, I recently dated a guy who had a long term friend that he didn't tell me about. I stayed over at his place and woke up and went outside and I heard a female voice and he was talking on video chat with her and when he saw me, he hid the phone. It just felt weird to me. Later I asked if he would date her and he got defensive and said he didn't want to start an argument and said I'm not going to date someone who lives far away. So I just gave up on the situation. He tried to get me to stay but I already had a bit of a bad feeling before that
Happened anyway
Moral of the story is that if you get a bad feeling
About something, trust it. He still has a photo of her. Hard truth- he may still have feelings. Don't be someone's second choice. It's honestly better to be single than to be someone's consolation prize.
Great way to state it.
A friend of mine was in that situation a few years ago. She met a guy who was separated from his wife, getting a divorce, blah blah blah. He wasn't over her yet completely, though, and he broke up with my friend and went back to his wife to try to make it work. She was heartbroken but ready to move on. The problem was he kept calling her as if he wanted to keep his options open just in case the marriage foundered. She asked him not to call again, and he said, "Why not?" She said, "Because you had a choice to make, and I wasn't chosen."
He called her again about a year later to tell her his marriage as over for good and he was ready to start a new life...but my friend had met the man she is now married to and wanted no part of this guy.
The problem was he kept calling her as if he wanted to keep his options open just in case the marriage foundered. She asked him not to call again, and he said, "Why not?" She said, "Because you had a choice to make, and I wasn't chosen."
OP has been dating bf for over a year. He has kept in touch with the other girl all this time and now he wants to meet her again. If anything, this suggests OP's bf and the other girl are getting closer.
OP has been dating bf for over a year. He has kept in touch with the other girl all this time and now he wants to meet her again. If anything, this suggests OP's bf and the other girl are getting closer.
I think OP's bf is keeping both women sweet
I bet you are right.
This just reminded me--I was in that situation once long ago, and recently it came to mind.
I was dating a man I met at a club. I really did develop a big crush on him, but it wasn't true love--I think now that I was just at the point where I wanted a LTR and thought maybe it could be him. He had just broken up with someone, supposedly, and we went out for a few months.
But I have reddish brown hair and he had dark hair and there was a brush in his bathroom that had blonde hair in it and a towel with the monogram "D" and his name started with a B. And there were broken plans a little too often because something came up at the last minute. One night he'd asked if I wanted to go to a party on Saturday and that he would call me Saturday afternoon, but I was starting to realize this guy was yanking my chain and when 6 p.m. came and went and I hadn't heard from him, I left and went out with some friends instead.
Later I came home and my mother said some girl named "Darlene" called me and had asked her if I went to a party in such and such a town. She said she was a friend of mine and was trying to find out if she'd see me there. I didn't have a friend named Darlene, so I suspected "my" boyfriend's "other chick" had found out about ME and was looking to check up to see if I was out with him. I wasn't, so I don't know who he was with if he wasn't with me OR her, lol. Shortly after that, I met someone else and just stopped returning the other guy's calls.
A couple of months ago, I thought of this guy and wondered whatever happened to him. It's been more than thirty years, but now we have the Internet so I thought I'd Google his name. Up popped a newspaper article about him and his wife, Darlene--they apparently went public fighting an insurance company that's not covering their daughter's medical costs for an emotional disorder. I guess she "won"!
Many of us told you this LDR was a bad idea, and this is another reason why.
It IS fishy, and you should not have to deal with it. He's a crutch in your life, which you're missing because you're texting your out-of-town BF all day.
Now you don't trust him. NOW WHAT???
I know I know, you guys warned me. I just didn't want to have any regrets with all of the "what if's" scenarios running through my head. I've never had the slightest thought of talking/dating another guy even though several have asked me out since I got together with bf, can't believe this is happening right now. I know he doesn't want to break up, but in light of this whole situation, I just want to end it once and for all. I wish I stuck through it the first time around.
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Originally Posted by LIS123
No, you're not overreacting.
It's hard to know if he's truly over her without being in his head but his behavior indicates that he is not. If you look at their situation, they didn't really break up per se (b/c of incompatibility or anything else), it was more just a matter of circumstance. As such, their (presumably positive) feelings (which we don't have full control over) towards each other still remained after they separated and could still be present today.
How long were you and the BF living in the same city? If you had to move for school but are graduating med school next year, then (based on how long you've been together) it doesn't seem possible that you had to move away from him to start med school.
If it were me, I'd proceed with caution. I wouldn't prioritize the residency program(s) in his locale unless those are the ones you think will provide you with the best educational opportunities (not just to be in his neck of the woods). A friend once told me that people are as loyal as their options --> good advice to keep in mind.
Think of how many people you've gone on a few dates with here and there and how many of them are still in your life. My advice is to be honest about what you're seeing and not let your emotions cloud your judgement so as to excuse behavior that seems questionable. Another good quote to keep in mind: If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck...
We were in the same city for about 8-9 months. I had to move to start an MHA program, not for med school. The residency/fellowship at the hospital is a management position and I have several options open. I can't even talk to him about this because when I bring her up, it's like he gets annoyed.
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Originally Posted by Shimmy00
Although maybe not too similar, I recently dated a guy who had a long term friend that he didn't tell me about. I stayed over at his place and woke up and went outside and I heard a female voice and he was talking on video chat with her and when he saw me, he hid the phone. It just felt weird to me. Later I asked if he would date her and he got defensive and said he didn't want to start an argument and said I'm not going to date someone who lives far away. So I just gave up on the situation. He tried to get me to stay but I already had a bit of a bad feeling before that
Happened anyway
Moral of the story is that if you get a bad feeling
About something, trust it. He still has a photo of her. Hard truth- he may still have feelings. Don't be someone's second choice. It's honestly better to be single than to be someone's consolation prize.
That's honestly what it made me feel when he told me about the girl. I felt like a rebound. And now that she's back in the picture, I'm the second choice again. He keeps reassuring me that it's not the case and I want to believe him but I'm finding it hard to. Why would this guy even bring me to meet his parents or talk about marriage if he was so hung up on another girl? I'll never understand. I honestly feel so stupid for spending all that time and energy on him at this point.
But I have reddish brown hair and he had dark hair and there was a brush in his bathroom that had blonde hair in it and a towel with the monogram "D" and his name started with a B. And there were broken plans a little too often because something came up at the last minute. One night he'd asked if I wanted to go to a party on Saturday and that he would call me Saturday afternoon, but I was starting to realize this guy was yanking my chain and when 6 p.m. came and went and I hadn't heard from him, I left and went out with some friends instead.
Later I came home and my mother said some girl named "Darlene" called me and had asked her if I went to a party in such and such a town. She said she was a friend of mine and was trying to find out if she'd see me there. I didn't have a friend named Darlene, so I suspected "my" boyfriend's "other chick" had found out about ME and was looking to check up to see if I was out with him. I wasn't, so I don't know who he was with if he wasn't with me OR her, lol. Shortly after that, I met someone else and just stopped returning the other guy's calls.
A couple of months ago, I thought of this guy and wondered whatever happened to him. It's been more than thirty years, but now we have the Internet so I thought I'd Google his name. Up popped a newspaper article about him and his wife, Darlene--they apparently went public fighting an insurance company that's not covering their daughter's medical costs for an emotional disorder. I guess she "won"!
Great story and again goes to show the gut instinct telling us something is off.
It's just a matter of life that people want the best for ourselves, even if that involves stringing an innocent along.
I've never had the slightest thought of talking/dating another guy even though several have asked me out since I got together with bf, can't believe this is happening right now. I know he doesn't want to break up, but in light of this whole situation, I just want to end it once and for all. I wish I stuck through it the first time around.
You should have talked to other guys OP. Next time
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That's honestly what it made me feel when he told me about the girl. I felt like a rebound. And now that she's back in the picture, I'm the second choice again. He keeps reassuring me that it's not the case and I want to believe him but I'm finding it hard to. Why would this guy even bring me to meet his parents or talk about marriage if he was so hung up on another girl? I'll never understand. I honestly feel so stupid for spending all that time and energy on him at this point.
Meeting parents and talking of marriage means nothing OP. Did he give you a ring? I never understand why girls believe they are engaged when there's no proposal.
This is like the thing guys say to keep women sweet. It fools them every time!
You should have talked to other guys OP. Next time
Meeting parents and talking of marriage means nothing OP. Did he give you a ring? I never understand why girls believe they are engaged when there's no proposal.
This is like the thing guys say to keep women sweet. It fools them every time!
Yes I agree, meeting parents and discussing marriage doesn't mean much. Some people just like to show that their life is a certain way. I got that feeling with the last guy I dated. He wanted me to meet his parents and wanted to meet mine but I really think he's one of those people who was just concerned with keeping up appearances and looking like he had his life together (through showing his parents that he could keep a "good" relationship). He was always really concerned about what other people thought of him, even people he barely knew.. He was so concerned that he was actually controlling at times, like once he told me to wear something because it "looked better" and he wanted people to think he had a hot girlfriend. pretty effed up. Anyway. Sorry for blabbing. I'm still not over it.
I don't think he was deliberately out to hurt you in a cold hearted way. Most people have the instinct to keep their options open, it's not something they are fully aware of themselves. Of course when confronted they are in denial and defensive because they feel this inner conflict with their actions.
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Yes I agree, meeting parents and discussing marriage doesn't mean much. Some people just like to show that their life is a certain way. I got that feeling with the last guy I dated. He wanted me to meet his parents and wanted to meet mine but I really think he's one of those people who was just concerned with keeping up appearances and looking like he had his life together (through showing his parents that he could keep a "good" relationship). He was always really concerned about what other people thought of him, even people he barely knew.. He was so concerned that he was actually controlling at times, like once he told me to wear something because it "looked better" and he wanted people to think he had a hot girlfriend. pretty effed up. Anyway. Sorry for blabbing. I'm still not over it.
Yes some people have their life on show for others. Primarily the reason why I don't look at Facebook newsfeed anymore
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If anything, this suggests OP's bf and the other girl are getting closer.
