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I'm just looking for some advice trying to understand the mind of a man, more specifically my boyfriend. I'm 29, he's 31, and we've been dating for 3.5 years, living together for two. Our relationship is great, we've traveled a lot together, I've met his friends and family and a few months ago, we bought an apartment together (he suggested it). Everything is wonderful, unless I bring up marriage. I guess that's quite a common topic, but I feel like I'm not sure anymore if I'm just wanting too much, if I'm really rushing things, or if he's just giving me excuses.
First time we talked about getting married was a year ago (2.5 years into the relationship). He told me he isn't crazy about getting married, saying that marriage was just invented by church and it's just a piece of paper in the end. He also said though that this doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me, and that we can 'absolutely get married'. I told him that to me, it is important and that I want a ring and a reception, both quite cheap (I told him I want a ring for 100-200$ and a relaxed reception with friends for max. 2000$). He said okay. I shut up for a while, hoping that he'd bring it up himself, or even buy me a ring. Nothing. March this year, I brought it up again. He seemed annoyed, but after some arguing we were able to talk about it. He said he'd invite around 20-30 people, and later he even showed me a wedding ring on Amazon for himself (without me asking him to do it). He seemed to be a bit excited at least. Then, after another couple of months about not mentioning it at all, I casually asked him about it again in September, two months after our third anniversary. He told me we can go look at rings if I want, and so we did. Over the next few weeks, we went to a few different places and in early November I finally picked out my ring (a white gold ring with zircon for 150$). He was pretty helpful in the process, even showed me pictures of rings online and always told me his opinion on every ring. In one store he even tried some rings himself. The ring we finally bought had to be resized so they told me it would take two weeks to send it to our place. Fine.
My ring arrived in the last week of November. One day I came home from work and the package with the ring was next to his computer. He didn't even open the package yet. I didn't say anything for a few days, he didn't either. Then, a week ago, I asked him about it. He said if I want to wear it I should just open the package and put it on. The way he said this made me feel like he's resenting me for having to buy a ring. So we started to talk. He seemed to be pissed all the time and said I've been pressuring him for a long time and that he did not want any of this. I was shocked. I mean I knew his opinion on marriage, but he has told me for me he can definitely do it and he doesn't mind, plus he helped me with the ring and talked about a reception etc with me, so I didn't feel like he really doesn't want this. And I didn't feel like I have been pressuring him, I only brought it up a few times and I never expected anything huge. But to him, I've been pressuring him, and he just 'really doesn't feel like getting married now'. I told him that the idea isn't to get married NOW, but to be engaged for a bit and maybe have the wedding in the end of next year. He said he doesn't want to plan anything and he finds all this stupid. He even finds the idea of being engaged stupid and says it's unnecessary to tell people about an engagement. I told him it's okay if he needs some time, but that I just want to know if he still wants to get married at some point. He said yes, but he doesn't understand all the rushing about it, and he doesn't need a ring, a party or anything. I told him if he doesn't want a party/reception that's okay, that we can also just get married the two of us, exchange rings (that's important to me) and tell people about it afterwards. He didn't seem to be happy with that either and kept on saying that I'm in a rush.
Guys, please tell me, am I really in a rush? We've been dating for 3.5 years, we're not super young anymore, we already live together and own an apartment together, and I'm suggesting him to get married just the two of us, or have the reception AFTER our fourth anniversary. Is this really rushing? In the end he said he wants some time to think about when we could have the reception (he ignored my suggestion of not having a reception and just getting married the two of us in the courthouse) and that he will let me know. Since then, two weeks have passed. I don't want to say anything again, since apparently he already feels pressured. But I also don't want to compromise on being married. I don't think I'm expecting too much after all this time together. And since he doesn't tell me 'Give me x months and I'll propose to you' either, what am I supposed to do? He says he really loves me and I'm the one, but I cannot imagine to just never get married.
By the way, before anyone says 'He's smart to not get married because in case of divorce they will take away all his money'- We don't live in the States, laws here are different. Plus, I earn more than him and also have more savings.
What do you think? Can anyone give me an advice? I just don't know what to think or to do anymore.
lol! Wasn't it a couple in Argentina? I can't keep track.
OP, assuming you're a new poster who hasn't posted here before:
He's the one who suggested shopping for a ring, and getting a ring. Why would he do that if he thought it was all "stupid" (not the most mature comment), and he "didn't want any of it"?
Rings are usually accompanied by a proposal. Otherwise, they're not wedding rings or engagement rings, they're just Christmas presents, or something.
He seems angry about the whole issue. He also is not a good communicator, and would prefer, it seems, to lead you on than to say what's on his mind. He also seems to express himself immaturely, when he does choose to communicate how he really feels.
Doesn't come across as a good prospect for marriage. You're only 31, you have plenty of time to move on, and find someone who's more mature, a better communicator, and more into marriage.
If you're not a new poster, and have posted here before--didn't you say you finally did get married, and your visa issue was finally settled? But there were still unresolved issues in the relationship?
First of all figure out exactly why you want to be married. And explain to him and tell him why this is important. Ask him if any of those things are important to him. This will only work if you can convince him that you are honestly OK with whatever he says, even if he doesn't agree with you.
Then go to an attorney and a financial advisor. Both of you talk to them about the benefits and consequences of being married cs is not being married. Find out if the consultations give him more reasons to either not want to be married or to want to be married.
From there you can figure how close together you are on the same page or not. If you are close together on this, you will no longer have to convince him to get married. If you cannot get on the same page about this, remember this – it will be a disaster to get married to a guy who isn't 100% invested in getting married
If I missed a previous things and this is just a troll post, then never mind
I'm just looking for some advice trying to understand the mind of a man, more specifically my boyfriend. I'm 29, he's 31, and we've been dating for 3.5 years, living together for two. Our relationship is great, we've traveled a lot together, I've met his friends and family and a few months ago, we bought an apartment together (he suggested it). Everything is wonderful, unless I bring up marriage. I guess that's quite a common topic, but I feel like I'm not sure anymore if I'm just wanting too much, if I'm really rushing things, or if he's just giving me excuses.
First time we talked about getting married was a year ago (2.5 years into the relationship). He told me he isn't crazy about getting married, saying that marriage was just invented by church and it's just a piece of paper in the end. He also said though that this doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me, and that we can 'absolutely get married'. I told him that to me, it is important and that I want a ring and a reception, both quite cheap (I told him I want a ring for 100-200$ and a relaxed reception with friends for max. 2000$). He said okay. I shut up for a while, hoping that he'd bring it up himself, or even buy me a ring. Nothing. March this year, I brought it up again. He seemed annoyed, but after some arguing we were able to talk about it. He said he'd invite around 20-30 people, and later he even showed me a wedding ring on Amazon for himself (without me asking him to do it). He seemed to be a bit excited at least. Then, after another couple of months about not mentioning it at all, I casually asked him about it again in September, two months after our third anniversary. He told me we can go look at rings if I want, and so we did. Over the next few weeks, we went to a few different places and in early November I finally picked out my ring (a white gold ring with zircon for 150$). He was pretty helpful in the process, even showed me pictures of rings online and always told me his opinion on every ring. In one store he even tried some rings himself. The ring we finally bought had to be resized so they told me it would take two weeks to send it to our place. Fine.
My ring arrived in the last week of November. One day I came home from work and the package with the ring was next to his computer. He didn't even open the package yet. I didn't say anything for a few days, he didn't either. Then, a week ago, I asked him about it. He said if I want to wear it I should just open the package and put it on. The way he said this made me feel like he's resenting me for having to buy a ring. So we started to talk. He seemed to be pissed all the time and said I've been pressuring him for a long time and that he did not want any of this.
He told you in the very beginning that he didn't want to get married. So when you kept pressuring him, he would give in just to shut you up, when he really should have stuck to his original statement. That was dumb on his part. But, it was wrong of you to keep pressuring him when he'd already told you he didn't want marriage.
He. doesn't. want. to. get. married. Period.
So either get over this need of yours, or leave, and be glad you only wasted 3.5 years of your life.
What do you think? Can anyone give me an advice? I just don't know what to think or to do anymore.
I think that he doesn't want to get married.
IMO, when it comes down to one person telling the other "but you can just get me a cheap ring" as an incentive to tie the knot, the writing is on the wall.
If he wanted to marry you, you wouldn't have to sell him on it.
I agree with convextech. Good use of the bold feature on quoting the original post too. He should have been far more clear in his communication from the beginning, and explained why he doesn't want a wedding- so he messed up in parts like buying the ring simply to keep you quiet. I dislike anyone being less then clear, myself. I want to know why's in my relationships.
I am a female in the reverse situation. He'd rather get married sooner, I hate thinking about it. the logistics, the planning for what? an expensive party. Just thinking of the details I find overwhelming. I can think of far more pragmatic ways to spend that kind of money for the time being. We have a home that still needs some renovations done (needs, not that I want stone counters and SS appliances), and retirement money, Emergency fund could always use more for now as well. I adore and love him with all my heart, and legally here we are protected like a married couple and neither of us wants children so the reasons for having it done are simply not there- right now. He never nags though, but I'm very clear in how much I love him and never want someone else, and did explain my reasoning when he brought it up. and if we won some money in the lotto to cover the aforementioned financial stuff tomorrow I'd be fine with it. In reality, once that stuff is covered I'll gladly start planning.
Do you know WHY he wants to put it off? do you have the same lifegoals? Is he unsure if you are the "one"? better to find out now, rather then down the line find out something like you want 2.5 kids and he never wanted to marry because 0 was his choice.
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