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If you have a big family background, it feels wrong to not want to have kids. A lot of people, if not all, of your family member will say things like, "When you find a man, you'll think otherwise." Well, at least that's what I get a lot lol. I'm married now and I still don't have that nurturing urge. My husband knows this. My mind might change and husband is good either way. Whatever you decide, make sure the man you're with is ok with this.
It's ok to not want to have kids and if you change your mind, it's ok too. Just make sure whoever you're with is on the same page and is open to a change of mind if it happens.
Well that's the thing I come from a big family but my own mother only had me, I'm an only child. And she is very much like, "You have to have ONE, at least. Come on..." and I'm like, why does she need me to make an identical decision? Is that what is going to validate her life choice?
To be honest, I didn't have the best upbringing and I wouldn't trust my mom to watch a kid either.
It's moreso that my significant other came from such a great family and background and I don't want him to feel like he's missing out on anything. His older brother is adamantly against having kids so if not for him, only his sister will have carried on the family genes, and she is only having one.
Being cuddly and close and even merging lives is very very very different than being motherly or being nurtured.
Well, I did have one ex who didn't like being nurtured, nor did he like to help out with cleaning, nor did he want to be particularly merged (he said that felt "too much like marriage"), and sure enough, we did not have a great sex life at all, so I would say that he would probably agree with you that being nurtured is a "boner killer," it was for him.
My current S.O. isn't like that though. The more nurturing I am towards him, the more he is towards me, and the more sex we have. There is someone for everyone out there, I always say.
There's nothing wrong with the way you feel, but make sure your boyfriend feels the same way.
Plenty of men don't want kids, but you have to find out what your man wants.
Speaking from an older woman who wanted my own biological kids, but couldn't have them --
It is VITALLY important that you connect with a man who wants both you and the life you CAN offer him.
Believe me, many men are fine with not having kids -- in fact, I am married to one, although we did eventually adopt two older kids -- and there are also men who would not even consider marrying a woman who could not have her own biological kids. [That happened with my first love and "fiance'" (meaning that we were in our late teens, but we had an "understanding" that we would marry later); and when he learned that I as a carrier of a devastating genetic disease and would not risk having kids because of that, he broke up with me because of that, and it almost shattered me. In fact, although it happened 45 years ago, I still bear the scars.]
The key, as the above poster said, is communication; and no one should have to settle for a life partner who doesn't value him or her as a person first, and as a potential parent second, or even last. (However, if you DO want kids, then of course you should evaluate what kind of parent s/he will probably make!)
So, I'm turning 30 this week. The past decade has been a whirlwind, but I came out the other side stronger, smarter, and much happier overall with my life than I started it. I was very fortunate to be able to set aside some money, get a cute little place of my own, and find the love of my life all within the last year alone.
The thing is, rather than "starting to think seriously about having a kid" like so many claim that all women uniformly will get into the mindframe of around the age of 30, I have only become more certain that having kids is not for me.
And it's not that I'm not nurturing. Actually, I'm VERY nurturing. It's just that I don't want to nurture a baby, or a kid. I want to nurture my boyfriend.
I want to dote on my boyfriend every night. I want to feed... my boyfriend. I want every evening when I come home to be centred around him and us and giving him massages and doing stuff together and not a third party which feels very intrusive and which I would most likely resent for cutting into our time together.
When I set goals for myself and look at sort of "the 5-year-plan," I'm gradually working towards goals like retirement fund, getting and decorating a nice place for the two of us, etc. but there is never any thought of a kid.
I guess I just wonder why the assumption is that if you are an affectionate person who likes to care for others that means that you're definitely going to want a kid?
I also plan to give plenty of love and nightly affection to my boyfriend as we build our lives together so why do I feel guilty like I am potentially denying him something when I'll be giving him lots? Have I swallowed the Kool-Aid to think that all men secretly want to be fathers?
It's a free country and personally respect your idea. Everyone has their own idea how they see themselves.
Make sure your b/f is in line with you in terms of kids. I have known many affectionate women who didn't want children but were and still are great people.
Do what makes you happy. Let others judge if they feel like it. No one should judge anyone but it's a free world.
I guess I just wonder why the assumption is that if you are an affectionate person who likes to care for others that means that you're definitely going to want a kid?
I also plan to give plenty of love and nightly affection to my boyfriend as we build our lives together so why do I feel guilty like I am potentially denying him something when I'll be giving him lots? Have I swallowed the Kool-Aid to think that all men secretly want to be fathers?
I'm not convinced that's what the assumption is. I'm always baffled by post claiming the entire world assumes/expects/badgers them to marry and have children. I mean I live in rural bible belt and I dont see it. I never hear people going on about when are the younger women/men going to get married or when are they going to have children. Honestly no one cares and if anything conversations are more about education and career.
I also find it baffling in our current environment that anyone gives a fig about what "society" assumes they should do with their future. I really thought we had evolved beyond this hope chest, Mr. Right, wedding and children as being the goal and only option for women.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares
I'm not convinced that's what the assumption is. I'm always baffled by post claiming the entire world assumes/expects/badgers them to marry and have children. I mean I live in rural bible belt and I dont see it. I never hear people going on about when are the younger women/men going to get married or when are they going to have children. Honestly no one cares and if anything conversations are more about education and career.
I also find it baffling in our current environment that anyone gives a fig about what "society" assumes they should do with their future. I really thought we had evolved beyond this hope chest, Mr. Right, wedding and children as being the goal and only option for women.
Agree. I don't live in a rural area anymore (thank the flying spaghetti monster), but I don't see it or hear it. Maybe because I'm a guy. I've never been asked when I'm going to get married, or when or if I'm going to procreate. Education and career questions are common though.
I'm not convinced that's what the assumption is. I'm always baffled by post claiming the entire world assumes/expects/badgers them to marry and have children. I mean I live in rural bible belt and I dont see it. I never hear people going on about when are the younger women/men going to get married or when are they going to have children. Honestly no one cares and if anything conversations are more about education and career.
I also find it baffling in our current environment that anyone gives a fig about what "society" assumes they should do with their future. I really thought we had evolved beyond this hope chest, Mr. Right, wedding and children as being the goal and only option for women.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Agree. I don't live in a rural area anymore (thank the flying spaghetti monster), but I don't see it or hear it. Maybe because I'm a guy. I've never been asked when I'm going to get married, or when or if I'm going to procreate. Education and career questions are common though.
Agree with both of you. Never hear such things where I am either. I always find such posts interesting though, because those sorts of assumptions and questions just dont happen anymore. Not anywhere around me.
I'm not convinced that's what the assumption is. I'm always baffled by post claiming the entire world assumes/expects/badgers them to marry and have children. I mean I live in rural bible belt and I dont see it. I never hear people going on about when are the younger women/men going to get married or when are they going to have children. Honestly no one cares and if anything conversations are more about education and career.
I also find it baffling in our current environment that anyone gives a fig about what "society" assumes they should do with their future. I really thought we had evolved beyond this hope chest, Mr. Right, wedding and children as being the goal and only option for women.
How old are you and your friends, if I may ask? I think it changes as people get into their 30's, or close to it...
I know when I was younger the pressure from my family was about education and career as well.
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