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I love my dad as a daughter. I dislike him as his wife's daughter. I would go so far as to say I wish my mum was with someone better. They are happy now (I think) but he never took care of my mum in any way. Never bought her birthday presents, no anniversaries, no alone time with her, not a single trip with her alone, expected her to do all the housework and barely helped. He cheated on her once with a prostitute. He's such a great dad but a complete a-hole as a husband...need some wisdom here.
Just something to consider...
...some say that when we look for partners as adults, we look to recapture something in our parents. Could you inadvertently be screening men based on characteristics your dad had...and then inadvertently suffering your mother's fate in relationships?
I'd also add this: part of being a great dad is treating your spouse well so your children see an appropriate relationship modeled for them as they grow up.
I'm very glad that my divorce from my ex-wife happened before we had any children together, or that particular relationship curse would have been passed on for who knows how many generations.
Maybe you've been looking for guys in the wrong place?
You may have to read up on it a little bit, since you seem to be missing some points. Try this, you may learn something new: How To Build Healthy Relationships? - Nexus Date Blog
No. Most of them were mainly from university with the rest being friends of friends.
Getting sympathy has its merits, but one should be careful not to rely on it for mental stability.
For example: The LowonLuck/foxy back-and-forth in this thread started to take on a tone of "oh my god, you're right! We're doing everything we're supposed to do! Men are the problem!". Obviously, I'm paraphrasing with a bit of exaggeration, but you get my point.
Men are guilty of this as well, as is seen in how some of the MTGOW threads tend to evolve. Support is fine, but when you rely on that support as justifying whatever no-fault conclusions you're coming to, you shouldn't be too surprised if the cycle continues...because nothing is really changing.
That's not necessarily to POINT fault, either...simply to be wary of using sympathetic support as a crutch in lieu of addressing a potentially REAL problem.
As for others' advice? I like the idea of any sort of personal change, whether it's one's routine, or a makeover, or simply adjusting one's social habits (going to different places, meeting new people, etc.)
I never thought it was solely men's problems. Truth to be told i was just trying to eye-catching title to lure people in and see what I did wrong in my relationship. I knew I always picked the wrong guys and stuck with them for a while never thought it had anything to do with my family
Any therapy is better than no therapy. Until you fix the messed up wiring in your head, you will continue to pick messed up guys who don't treat you well.
As far as all the other things (make-over, doing new things, going new and different places, meeting new people, etc), those are fine overall, but none of those things will fix the wiring in your brain.
I think my main problem is I always always ignored red flags deliberately. I was so in love and tolerant of their ****ty behaviour that I thought it was me who triggered their behaviour. I thought i was not good enough hence my ex's abusive behaviour. I think maybe CBT will help me which I will do in a couple of months. And I will learn not to ignore red flags. These will be my first steps.
when you become secure in who you are, and what you want, and when you love yourself first, you will not only see these red flags early on, but you will recognize them for what they are right away instead of months down the road.
and when that happens, you will proactively reject these guys long before you get too involved with them.
I always found red flags, major ones, as early as two months into the relationship. I was the stupid and naive.
I've been unfortunate enough to know men who were abusive and violent, meanspirited and bigoted, and self-destructive and irresponsible.
I've also been fortunate to know good men who were faithful, brilliant, fundamentally kindhearted, very considerate, and so responsible that they took on the undue responsibility of raising some other guy's kid of their own volition.
...some say that when we look for partners as adults, we look to recapture something in our parents. Could you inadvertently be screening men based on characteristics your dad had...and then inadvertently suffering your mother's fate in relationships?
I agree with you 100%. Growing up my dad always had anger issues. He took great care of me but was never really close to me and was always angry with me/family members. I think inadvertently my head told me that it's ok to deal with abuse or all other BS from men if they "treat" me well. My dad hit his kids too. I grew up thinking hitting was acceptable as long as there wasn't any injury caused.
I've also been fortunate to know good men who were faithful, brilliant, fundamentally kindhearted, very considerate, and so responsible that they took on the undue responsibility of raising some other guy's kid of their own volition.
I hope to meet some of them soon. Or maybe just one will suffice lol
I agree with you 100%. Growing up my dad always had anger issues. He took great care of me but was never really close to me and was always angry with me/family members. I think inadvertently my head told me that it's ok to deal with abuse or all other BS from men if they "treat" me well. My dad hit his kids too. I grew up thinking hitting was acceptable as long as there wasn't any injury caused.
You have a big head start. You have the insight to know where this is coming from. With some therapy, you should do fine
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never thought it had anything to do with my family
