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I would tell her. Honesty is usually the best policy, and once you let your feelings be known, I think you'll feel better, even if she rebuffs you. Then you will be able to process your feelings and move on (that's if she rebuffs you).
Are you saying she does not have sex, ever with anyone, no kissing, no cuddling, no anything?
She had sex with past boyfriends. But she simply doesn't really enjoy cuddling or kissing. She says it makes her feel uncomfortable so she avoids it or limits it to a minimum. She is aware that this is kinda odd but this is part of her negativity towards relationships overall and she seems to be fine with that, because she is not looking for a relationship, although it would be not a problem for her to find someone.
On the other hand she already went to a psychologist, partly because of her problems with relationships and she is talking about marrying some days of having children. So of course she does not want to be alone forever, but it is always "some day" but not now, because she thinks relationships only hold her back and cut her freedom.
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Originally Posted by rs1n
Are you the kind of guy who would be happy that she was completely not interested in any physical interactions even if you were dating? Re-read what you wrote. She seems uninterested in any physical contact with past boyfriends, for whatever reason. There are essentially two main parts to a relationship: emotional intimacy, and physical intimacy. You are already getting the emotional intimacy as she is a close friend. So then what's the point of opening up to her at this point? You are getting the best that you could possibly get out of this relationship. Opening up your feelings will not change your situation at all -- at best --and at worst you lose a close friend.
End your suffering and move on.
It's not completely, but as described above the absolute minimum. And yes, I would be okay with that. I know that she is special in some regards (and many men would not be fine with it) but I like her the way she is.
And the "emotional intimacy" is not the same in my opinion. For example if you had to decide between a good friend and your partner, you probably always would go with your partner, right? And when she finds a new boyfriend our friendship has to change no matter what. I don't think that she could (or should...) tell her boyfriend that she travels with me several days in the year etc. No boyfriend would accept that. And I would not expect him too. Beside of that I can't imagine doing all this stuff with her while she is in a relationship. That really would feel wrong, because this are things you should do with your boyfriend.
She had sex with past boyfriends. But she simply doesn't really enjoy cuddling or kissing. She says it makes her feel uncomfortable so she avoids it or limits it to a minimum. She is aware that this is kinda odd but this is part of her negativity towards relationships overall and she seems to be fine with that, because she is not looking for a relationship, although it would be not a problem for her to find someone.
On the other hand she already went to a psychologist, partly because of her problems with relationships and she is talking about marrying some days of having children. So of course she does not want to be alone forever, but it is always "some day" but not now, because she thinks relationships only hold her back and cut her freedom.
It's not completely, but as described above the absolute minimum. And yes, I would be okay with that. I know that she is special in some regards (and many men would not be fine with it) but I like her the way she is.
And the "emotional intimacy" is not the same in my opinion. For example if you had to decide between a good friend and your partner, you probably always would go with your partner, right? And when she finds a new boyfriend our friendship has to change no matter what. I don't think that she could (or should...) tell her boyfriend that she travels with me several days in the year etc. No boyfriend would accept that. And I would not expect him too. Beside of that I can't imagine doing all this stuff with her while she is in a relationship. That really would feel wrong, because this are things you should do with your boyfriend.
This is a girl with severe intimacy problems. You, on the other hand, have fallen in love with someone you consider a good friend, which suggests you have a need for a lot of intimacy. Staying friends with her is not going to serve you very well. You are in for a lot of additional pain.
She probably has some sort of intimacy problem, but I find it hard to believe that this has influence on our relationship. I don't think that anything has changed from her perspective compared to the beginning of our friendship when she had a boyfriend. She is not treating me like her "half-boyfriend" or something (okay, this travelling thing with dinner and sharing a room/bed is special, but we never had any romantic situation, it's all about having a fun time together) and she never did anything that could make me believe that she wants more. She told me many times that I am important to her and that I am one of the few persons who she trusts and like hanging around with without getting annoyed and that she values a lot of my qualities and characteristics.
Thats of course all nice, but I guess this is what's called a friendzone... I don't see her secretly falling in love with me but holding it back cause of her intimacy problems.
Since I can't end this on my own, I hope that telling her the thruth and get a 'no, sorry' will help me to accept the fact that there will never be more than friendship, because that makes it "official". I know that I don't really get something out of this, because I am absolutely sure that there is like 0 chance on a positive response, but I tried to get over this for months without telling her the truth and it didn't work.
Good advice, thank you. I already thought about this on my own, but looking for someone just to maybe make her jealous
No -- look for someone to make yourself happy.
Right now, you sound like her best friend -- calling/seeing each other daily, traveling together, etc. She is used to that and will not like the idea of another woman taking your attention away from her. When that happens, you can then reveal how you truly feel about her, but that you respected her wishes (freedom, non-commitment) too much to act on those feelings. If she wants to keep you to herself she will have to change her stance. Then again, she may be perfectly willing to share. Either way, you win.
I (29 m) am in a pretty ****ed up situation in which I fell in love with my best friend (26 f) but have never told her what I feel. She broke up with her boyfriend a year ago and some months later we began to travel and our friendship became better and better. Since we are both single, a lot of people think that we are in a relationship, but this was never a topic between us, although I discovered that I love her about a year ago. Since then I tried to do my very best to make our time together the best it could be. I really think that we could fit as a couple, because she has some "flaws" of which she knows that not many people "like" them, but I do. And we always have great fun together and can talk about serious things as well. She calls me every day and I am one of the very few persons she trusts and I think I am important to her.
The problem is that she hates romantic stuff, physical closeness and overall thinks that relationships only hold her back and that they cut her freedom. And beside of that I already did everything I can think of to show her that I deeply care for her but I never got a positive response which went beyond "friendship".
I really feel bad about this situation since I enjoy spending time with her but it hurts at the same time for obvious reasons. I can't move forward and start dating other girls and I feel kinda depressed for quite a few months already. I know that if I tell her that I love her she would tell me in a nice way that she doesn't feel the same / doesn't want a relationship.
But I also think that I need to end this somehow and I can't think of a different solution than just telling her what I feel and get rejected by her (which is certain), so that I don't need to think about "what if...". I am still afraid that this could hurt our friendship. I think she wouldn't make drama out of that but it could still be awkward and beside of that telling her that I love her and already know the answer is also hard to take.
tl;dr: I love my best friend (26 f) but never told her. I know nearly 100% that she would reject me when I tell her that I love her, but still consider this option to escape from this situation because it keeps making me feel bad.
I can totally relate to this.
One day I woke up and said "I'm tired of living this way". I decided that I was not going to be dishonest with myself or anyone else. If someone did not accept or like me for who I was then they aren't worth having. I'm not going to change WHO I AM to seek the approval of anyone.
If you love her. Darn it. Tell her. But tell her in a way that demonstrates that "this is how it is", and if she doesn't like it that's tough. She can move on or she can accept you for who you are.
Why would you put yourself through this? Just get it over with. Then you will know if you stand a chance with her or whether you need to move on with your life.
Right now, you sound like her best friend -- calling/seeing each other daily, traveling together, etc. She is used to that and will not like the idea of another woman taking your attention away from her. When that happens, you can then reveal how you truly feel about her, but that you respected her wishes (freedom, non-commitment) too much to act on those feelings. If she wants to keep you to herself she will have to change her stance. Then again, she may be perfectly willing to share. Either way, you win.
She probably won't, but there are two problems:
1. I don't think that she would fight for any guy and since I even doubt that she has ANY feelings for me beyond friendship, she wouldn't fight for me at all. And if she said 'hey, thats great that you have found someone' (even she doesn't really mean it) it would kill me as much as if she found a new boyfriend.
2. I am really not in the mood to look for someone else, because I always think "what are you doing there? you have already found the perfect girl" and that hurts more than staying alone at the moment.
I am sure that she doesn't feel the same, but this 0.00001% chance, this "what if?", drives me insane and holds me back from moving forward. And looking for someone else makes it even worse, because finding someone else obviously destroys my chances with her, even there is no realistically chance for a realtionship. I am aware that this is stupid, but I don't feel that I can move forward without being sure that I have done everything I could. And this is only after I have told her.
I tried that many times. As an example: We went to Paris last year and I prepared a table in a nice restaurant, bought a small gift for her and tickets for a really expensive musical show with champagne and all the stuff as a surprise. To be honest it was nothing a normal friend would do, it was more like something that you would do when you want to ask her if she wants to marry you. So it must have been kinda obvious what I was trying to tell her and I told myself that I will stop after this weekend if I still get no respond. I mean she is absolutely not the romantic type of girl and probably pretty "blind" in this regard, but at least I made it super easy for her to make a step if she wanted.
Anyways, I was obviously not able to stop.
I also tried to just treat her normally, just like a friend. Not looking too much at her, not compliment her, not making gifts, overall less attention for her. It just made me feel worse and in an extreme way so I couldn't stand this for a single day every time I tried. I rather keep trying than forcing me to stop, because it hurts much more at the moment.
Withdraw from this friendship is not an option. I value her way too much as a friend and I still would after a 'no'. Beside of that a 'no' would not make me mad about her, because I have already accepted this answer (at least I think so) since I think it is almost certain...
You realize that you are giving yourself no other options and forcing yourself down the path YOU want, right?
If you're going to do this to yourself you might as well just ask the girl out already and stop the dramatics.
When are you going to do it???????? I would have that you would have seen her by now.
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