Is my punishment for affair unreasonable ?

[Hankrigby]

Originally Posted by fleetiebelle

You do realize that OP started this thread in 2016 and hasn't been here in years, right?

Yes.

[E-Twist]

Too bad this is an ancient topic. I wish CD would eliminate posts after a year. I wondered what ever happened with the OP and get marriage.

[K12144]

Thread is from 2016.

[Forever Blue]

Your FIRST mistake was having that first coffee date w/ your old boyfriend. What I'm mad about for you OP is that you were decent enough to confess your affair to your husband, which many people would say you shouldn't have, but now your husband's never going to let you forget it & wants you to wear a Scarlet Letter on your chest for the rest of your life.

(If you never heard of the novel, The Scarlet Letter, you can Google about how the story goes. The main point of it was about a woman made to stand on the scaffold for three hours, exposed to public humiliation, and to wear the scarlet "A" for the rest of her life for an affair she had & even giving birth to a baby out of wedlock.)

But in the meantime, your lover NEVER told his wife, so he's "off the hook" & still living on w/ his wife/family w/ no consequences & able to live like nothing happened. He's not getting any grief from anyone.

If anyone's going to confess to EVERYONE, the BOTH of you should. It's only fair. But I doubt your ex-BF will.

Your husband shouldn't be doing this to you. Your genuine, sincere regret & apology should be enough, so if he's going to be that type of husband, are you sure you still want to be married to him? If you really loved him, you wouldn't have strayed in the first place so something was wrong in your marriage.

Now, let's say you actually abide w/ your husband's wishes, Then you & him should really soon move away to get a fresh start...NOT stay living in that area where everyone can snicker & laugh at you every time you're out & about. Also, I highly doubt that after you do what your husband says that he'll never bring it up again. He'll hold it over your head & never let you forget it. So, again, I ask, are you sure you still want to be married to him?

Maybe this happened for a reason so you can divorce.

[MinivanDriver]

Let's for a moment assume this poster is for real.

Personally, she sounds unwise, self-absorbed, even flighty. Certainly not a solid partner in a relationship.

But I am not in the camp of "Strike One, you're out!" folks. I've known marriages that have survived adultery and have gone on to become stronger and more rewarding. One of my best friends cheated on his wife and was found out. It was tough for a while, but counseling really helped them discover what created the situation in the first place. Thirty years later, they're still together. They had two more kids and are enjoying a happy and loving retirement.

So the notion of "You're out the door" is just, well, stupid. Multiple times, sure. But having known a number of people who have cheated, I'm pretty convinced that anyone under the right set of circumstances can. Have someone go through a rough patch in their marriage, put them in the company of the right person in the right place at the right time with the right amount of alcohol and you have the recipe for trouble.

I've never done it. I can't imagine a situation where I could. But I've never trusted in my own righteousness--or, to be more accurate, self-righteousness--in life.

But, back to the OP. If her story is indeed true, her affair is bothersome. Her husband's response is even more so. In fact, it borders on sadistic. Tell her parents? Tell her friends? What exactly is the purpose of this self-flagellation? I mean, abject apologies to the husband are one thing, absolutely necessary and appropriate. But donning the hairshirt and telling everyone in your circle is nothing more than revenge. It doesn't solve a thing, it doesn't mend the hurt. It's nothing more than a belief that public humiliation is a perfectly sound measure.

And for you folks thinking it's a good idea, that would make you sadists, too. And if you've been cheated on and egging on the husband, then it's just a bit of surrogate revenge on the person who cheated on you.

The thing is, counseling, conscientiously done, can heal a great deal. It can expose the fault lines in a marriage and help both partners understand the weaknesses in the relationship that made an affair possible. The damage can be repaired.

But the minute the OP has to go on an apology tour to everyone on the planet to expiate her sins, that's the stuff that's permanent. The minute it goes public, there's no going back. Her parents, her friends, whoever have zero need to know about any of this. It's nothing more than an exercise in public humiliation. Might as well put her in the stocks. Might as well hang a sign around her neck and parade her down the street. It's a surefire way to damage the marriage beyond repair.

And, more importantly, it will ultimately prove more humiliating to the husband than the affair itself. Personally, if someone in our circle forced his or her spouse to do this, my thought would be, "Well, if you're like this, I can understand why you were cheated on in the first place."

The harder question is the wife of the lover. What to do with her? If I were the husband in that situation, I wouldn't do it. Yes, the lover could be a serial cheater, or he could have just succumbed to the same weakness, too. But I sure as hell would confront him. I would let him know that if he ever got within 100 yards of my wife, if he ever tried to call, text, IM, or semaphore, I would expose him for the scum he is. Trust me. I know how to put the fear of God into people who cross me.

NOTE: I just realized this post was made in 2016, yet another drive-by. Advice still stands.