Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am 20 and a native to Tucson, AZ, and my boyfriend of six months now (who is 25) is a native to the Belleville, NJ area. He's been homesick for a few years, and now due to a situation with his roommate may be forced to not sign another lease here, and would rather move back to New Jersey after he finishes his degree in July than stay in Arizona.
I am just about to start my junior year at the same college, but neither of us are fond of living in Arizona, and I have wanted to move out-of-state for years now as well. I suggested that he wait until I finish this semester, past our year anniversary, so we can see how we are then and decide if we want to move in together. We both agree that six months is too soon to move in together, however he says that he's not sure if after a year he'll feel any differently.
The thing is, he doesn't have anything locked down in New Jersey, and so far his plan for going back is to take a plane over with a suitcase and a duffel bag, live with his aunt and take two months to try to get a job, and if that doesn't work out, he comes back to Arizona. If it does, then he said maybe we try a long-distance thing until I can get situated as well, depending on when he does this. The thing is, he says he would rather try his two month plan in August as opposed to end-November/early-December (our year anniversary).
I am just so lost with how to feel. I know we haven't been together for very long, but I feel like before his situation with his roommate and not signing another lease, I saw myself being with him long-term, and eventually moving in together. He says he definitely feels the same way, but now this situation's been thrown on him and he's really stressed and isn't making any decisions right now. Now we're rushed to find a solution because his lease ends in July, and I don't want to pressure him into anything but I also want to try to make our relationship work.
Stay in AZ and finish your degree. You're young, halfway through a four year degree, haven't been with this guy very long (and his NJ plan is not a good one). If you move to NJ where will you go to school? Will all your credits transfer? Some states require you to live there for a year before you get in state tuition so you would either pay a lot of $$$ or else defer your education for a year...and idk what your situation is in AZ but you'd have to find a job/place to live in NJ, etc
That sucks for him that he's homesick, but making an impulsive decision to live with your aunt until you find a job isn't necessarily the most responsible one I can think of...I don't know if I would try for a long distance thing if he moves to NJ. I don't think so, based on the indefiniteness of the distance, the fact that he's choosing to put the distance between you, and your age....and the length of the relationship. Just my opinion. I think people who unilaterally choose to make a relationship long distance just because, aren't doing what they can to make the relationship work. I don't mean moving for a job but just moving to move...is not something I would do if I cared about my partner.
If he does not have a plan before moving to New Jersey then do not go.
That is a dumb idea and you guys will not succeed.
Focus on your education and finishing your semester. And while you do that, he should focus on securing full time employment instead of moving on impulse.
Rushing a decision to meet an artificial and arbitrary deadline is nearly always a mistake. It forces you into situations you're not ready for and creates pressure that shouldn't exist.
He can move back, you keep going on your degree. You can try long-distance but if that doesn't go well don't just keep the relationship limping along. You're young - if timing isn't right then the relationship isn't right either!
Keep in mind, HE'S not waiting around for YOU in Arizona...why should you change schools and almost certainly lose time and credits for HIM? Guys don't just change their plans for women, UNLESS they KNOW they're going the distance. WOMEN often change their plans just hoping...and that's how their lives get off track.
Stay put in AZ and finish your education. If this relationship is meant to be long term, than it will withstand the difficulties of a long distance relationship.
When I was a young woman, probably about your age, I met my future husband. We were in college. We had been dating about 5 months and summer arrived. We each had to go back to our hometowns. He tried to convince me to move to his hometown, with free rent, for the summer. I absolutely needed to work during the summer to afford college in the fall. I knew I would not find a job in his tiny little town, and I didn't have a car. I didn't move to his town, but I went home, found a job, and saved every penny to go back to school.
This was before cell phones, facetime, Skype, etc. It meant letters and expensive long distance phone calls. We managed to survive the distance for 3-4 months. We recently celebrated a 30+ year anniversary. You can survive for a few months and then make plans together if it seems like a good idea.
I'm from the Northeast and no way would I move to Jersey. Especially if I grew up in a warm place like AZ. Find a place out west together and make a new start if you want to be together.
I moved to MI for my girlfriend when I was in my 20s and everyone thought I was nuts. We were already together for 4 years though, so there was no doubt that we were going to be together long-term. We did about a 6 month LTR and I decided I didn't want to live without her so I put all my belongings into a rented Buick Century and drove to Detroit to start a new life.
Whatever you do, finish your degree. I didn't when I moved and I still regret it 25 years later. I did ok but I could have done much more with that piece of paper. I'm ok with it, though. Good luck.
ThIs was before cell phones, facetime, Skype, etc. It meant letters and expensive long distance phone calls. We managed to survive the distance for 3-4 months.
This!
My first ever boyfriend was long distance. We met at a party in his hometown. I had never been in a relationship before and it was heartbreaking for me after every visit ended to have to say goodbye but I made it work. This was in the early 90s and there wasn't the technology in place so we Wrote Letters and sent them in the mail. We sent each other care packages in the mail. And occasionally our parents would let us make long distance calls but not often because that used to be expensive!! Somehow we made it work even without all the technology you have readily available today!
So in today's world you can email, text, Skype, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, etc the list goes on and on and it's a hell of a lot easier to maintain a long distance relationship while keeping in touch and seeing each other without being together.
Do NOT ditch school for this guy. If you stop your education to chase this guy you'll never finish your degree and you'll always have to look for lower paying jobs. Get your degree, use the technology available now to maintain your relationship no matter if he's in the same town or across the country. That is the smart thing to do here!!
I really appreciate everyone's insight! I don't know why I didn't realize it would be unanimous that I should stay in Arizona and finish my degree, but of course I should've. It's way too impulsive to not stay, and yeah, why put a degree on hold, because that can determine my livelihood. Also, I'll be having a criminal justice degree, and he will have a history major, so it's not like those are degrees to make impulsive decisions on.
His plan for going is to just see what he can do, he doesn't think he'll be too successful but he knows he'll regret it if he doesn't find out. He has family in Arizona and in New Jersey that will support him no matter what he does. I only know his family in Arizona, and we get along amazingly, but I don't know anyone in New Jersey.
If he's committed to staying in New Jersey, then I'll discuss long-distance more with him. And the whole need to make a decision based on a deadline was put on us just last night, so of course plans could change and he could end up changing his mind about everything. He only feels homesick for New Jersey, and even he was wondering why he wants to go back so much because he doesn't think it's a pleasant place to live, so maybe he just misses it and a trip will be enough for him. We'll see how things go.
Thanks everyone for the great advice!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
