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I'm glad to hear that you are being so rational about the situation. I'm not so level-headed. If I were in your situation, I would be ripping nuts and asking questions later!!
You will have to update us and let us know how things go (If it's not too personal to share with us)!!
Good luck and I hope that this all happened prior to March! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!
Thanks so much for the well-wishes.
And, yes, I'll be sure to update. I'm confident that I'll need to vent somewhere.
Could his buddy be trying to start some drama? I'd just get it over with. Before you have to drive 1000 miles together. Heck he might flip out and leave you standing along side the road!
Could his buddy be trying to start some drama? I'd just get it over with. Before you have to drive 1000 miles together. Heck he might flip out and leave you standing along side the road!
Nah, he won't. And, even if he does, I have resources to get back to where I need to be.
I've thought about why this friend of his even said what he did. I believe, honestly, that this was something that was said to him in confidence, and his drunken lips just let it go. He has no reason to lie to me. And, it's apparent from what he said to me, that he respects me enough to let me know exactly what's going on. *GRRRRRR that I didn't press him for more details at the time*
It wasn't ideal, because it was over the computer and I couldn't see his reaction, but the answer that I got was an unequivocal "no".
I do believe him, but I also wonder what motivation his friend would have to lie to me about it. *confused*
Anyway, that's the update.
Mishi, the truth will come out soon or later. The truth may be one of these: (1) yes, he was seeing other women & introduced them to this friend, but that ended a couple of months after you and him started "ehm"; (2) your BF could be the lying bastard and that he has been seeing other women all along, or (3) the friend secretly wants you, and, with that desire in mind, he tried to stir up something that wasn't there by telling you about the women your BF had seen in the past BEFORE you.
It is hard to tell now because you are still in a LDR with him (long distance relationship). Now if I were you, the next step would be to confront this "friend" of his about what your BF had told you. In fact, I would be very interested to see how his friend would react if you AND your BF approach the friend TOGETHER.
You know, this whole situation has trouble written all over it. Obviously, the guy is bed hopping. Now whether your relationship has been defined well enough up to this point to make it a problem, or if you want exclusivity, is something I can't figure out.
Have you had The Talk on whether or not you're dating exclusively?
I just found this thread. I find it very suspicious that his guy friend of his had this urgent need to tell you these things about your boyfriend because what's important is that the two of you have a decent relationship after two years that is headed in a good direction. And it seems to me that guys take longer to get serious about a relationship plus for the first year, it was a long distance one.
I feel that this guy friend is trying to throw his buddy under the bus and eventually have a chance with you. If it were a female friend, I might understand better wanting to tell you this sort of thing, but if the two of you are happy now, there really is no helpful reason for any of his friends to tell you that your boyfriend wasn't monogamous about this relationship for the first year of knowing you. I see this only as an effort to sabotage your relationship.
See if I were in this friend's shoes, reporting the past would be the last thing I would do. And unless there was a current problem going, I would just be happy and supportive that the two of you were growing closer together and it wouldn't be a problem to keep mum.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas73
It has to do with other women. "A few" as I understand it. People who he introduced to this friend of his.
My issue here is time frame.
I'll freely admit that early on in our relationship, it *was* casual. So, if this happened then, it will take some doing, but I really think I could let it go. If it's happened in say, the past year, there's no way on God's green earth that I could ever be intimate with this man again and have any modicum of respect for myself.
So, I have to tell my bf that I know about this, from his friend (who I have no real reason not to trust), and then ask him about timing.
Question is, how?
I never trust messengers I haven't know for years and years. Is there any possibility that your BF's friend is interested in you and wants to make waves in your relationship?
Define what type of relationship you feel you have. Then, let him know how you define it and ask how he would define it. Go from there. Obviously, you are coming from two different places and either accept it or move on. Game over.
Another thought is that this friend is jealous of your boyfriend's overall happiness and just wants to stir up a little trouble in paradise for his buddy. Truth or not, I would just focus on the present, and if this is all from a year ago, I wouldn't get wound up by it.
In terms of some men (or women) being slow to truly commit to a new relationship, it comes from being cynical with romances and that whole not keeping all ones eggs in one basket syndrome. You met through the internet, he really liked you and but as everyone knows, one should use a lot of caution with internet romances. And then factor in his age, generation and being divorced for another dose of his gut feeling that the situation with you might be too good to be true. Meanwhile in real life, after you moved closer and began seeing him every weekend, if he dated another woman or two, it was him keeping the public appearance to his friends that he was not being foolhardy in his relationship with you. And if there was some dating of other women at this time, it could have been him wanting to compare and making sure that you were really "the one". Divorced men are especially prone to not being comfortable to committing to one woman again and losing their single status. And how can any of his friends know for sure what goes on behind closed doors? What if he took a woman out to dinner, his friend saw them, but maybe it was only a dinner and nothing more? Did this friend actually see one of them leaving the other's house in the morning? And even then, who can really say what happened. If he's living in a small town, there will always be unfounded gossip.
I am reminded about when I was dating my drummer boyfriend in my 20's. After I started dating him, I was having friction with my mom and wanted to move out from my parents house. Well, there was one apartment open at my new boyfriend's apartment building on another floor. The building was rent controlled which was the main bonus. So I moved in but spent every night at my boyfriend's place. These were tiny apartments and he had too much stuff for anyone to move in with him. And we were very happy together for about three years. However, later on he told me that in the beginning when we met, even though he fell hard for me, at that point in his life, he wasn't ready or even planning to have a real girlfriend. But not wanting to mess things up with us, he accepted me in his life and after three years had no regrets. But ideally, even though from the beginning he thought me terrific girlfriend material, he wanted an old fashioned courtship. Seeing me once a week for a date and then doing other things the rest of the week. Seeing me every single night after I moved into the building (even though he wanted to because I lived there) felt a little rushed relationship-wise to him.
From this relationship I learned about myself that when I am feeling infatuated with a guy, I want to see them a lot in the beginning, then I calm down over time and start to want to maintain my personal space. On the other hand, guys start off a relationship wanting to maintain their personal space (like having alone time to be with their guy friends), then as they get more trusting and optimistic about the relationship, they want to spend more time with their girlfriend ultimately ending up marrying her. So... if I were to graph our emotional intensity towards each other, my love line would start off high and slowly descend downward. His love line would start off low and slowly be climbing upward. Somewhere in the middle of our relationship, our love lines crossed and we were both on the same page.
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