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I've decided to take the leap but I keep questioning if this is the right thing to do. Its not his fault I'm unhappy, When we met I was just leaving school, I felt pretty down on myself, I didn't make any friends while in school and I wasn't happy with my career choice. I went out with him not really expecting anything serious to come out of it. We get along but we argue a lot about stupid things. I dont feel we enjoy each other's company the way a couple should.
I feel like I'm marrying him because I've come to a point of "might as well".
I live with my parents in a cramped apartment. I thought I'd eventually move out but At first my job just didn't pay enough. Then when I got a better job, realized I had accumulated too much debt and I needed to pay it off. Then my mom lost her job and I felt I had to chip in and help more. My parents are also very religious and from a culture where you are expected to live home until you get married so I felt more pressure to stay then to follow my heart and move on.
Living home has helped me pay pay off some of my debt and allowed me to help out the family but I wonder if Ive paid a much higher price when it comes to my mental health and personal growth. Im an introvert and I'm kind of socially awkward. My only activities right now are work and church and I don't enjoy either one of these. Ocasionally I try to push myself to get involved in other things. I go exercise and I've tried some volunteering activities but I just seem unable to find something i enjoy. I know the issue is with me and I've tried therapy several times but nothing's come of it. I feel like maybe if I just had some good friends I'd be happier. People I want to hang out with dont wanna hang out eith me. Honestly i probably wouldn't want to hang out with me either.
A lot of the kids who grew up with me at church have moved away and are doing their own thing. I often feel like the loser who never figured out my life. My soon to be husband is very devout and engaged in church life. If I had known this about him when I met him I probably would not have dated him. I go to church mostly out of boredom but Ive gotten a little involved in certain activities but it still makes me sad because this is not really what I want to be doing.
Part of me is excited about getting married and starting a new stage in my life. I like the idea of a getting married and starting a family. I'm just really unhappy with myself for not knowing what I want and going after it. One of my mom's friends approached me recently and asked me if my mom was forcing me to get married. This made me sad and it tells me I'm not hiding my feelings well. Planning a big wedding for the family also makes me sad because I really feel like I'll look depressed while trying to convince myself and everyone else that I'm happy and that this is what I want. Ive told my fiance how i felt but he seems to think it's just a phase. Maybe it is but I don't know.
postpone/cancel the wedding. Please don't go into this type of commitment with your current mindset. This isn't to say that you two shouldn't get married, but maybe right now isn't the time.
Everything you post screams "DON'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS!" Call off the wedding, OP. This is all wrong for you. Once you're married, you'll feel trapped. You said you wouldn't have dated him if you'd known he was active at church, so why the heck MARRY him?! That makes no sense.
Please find the courage to call it off. It won't be the end of the world. Save up to get your own little place, even if it's a studio. And control your credit-card spending. Learn to live with a budget. Keep trying different volunteer activities.
If you don't have one, consider getting a college degree. Save up to start a community college program, if only part-time, while you work. Get some job skills that would allow you to move to a bigger town or city. Chart a course for your life; set goals. This can work, just take it one step at a time.
"I keep questioning if this is the right thing to do"
"I'm unhappy"
"we argue a lot about stupid things"
"I dont feel we enjoy each other's company the way a couple should"
"I feel like I'm marrying him because I've come to a point of "might as well"."
"this is not really what I want to be doing"
"I'm just really unhappy with myself for not knowing what I want"
"trying to convince myself and everyone else that I'm happy"
Call off the wedding. The only thing worse than being miserable is being miserable and trapped in a loveless marriage. I say loveless because not once in your long post did you mention the word love.
I feel like I'm marrying him because I've come to a point of "might as well".
IMHO, that is a terrible reason to get married.
Other people may have other reasons to get married, but I decided to get married because I absolutely, positively, 100% knew that I wanted to spend my life with my future husband.
I thought about what would happen if he "changed", perhaps, became paralyzed in a accident or lost a limb or two due to cancer. Yup, I would still marry him or stay married to him.
Well, guess what? My hubby, who was a brilliant, brilliant man, did change. He developed a type of early dementia in his late 40s. Did that change my love for him? Nope, not a bit.
That was over 15 years ago. And, now I am his full time caregiver. And, I still love him as much as today as did when I first met him almost five decades ago.
I've decided to take the leap but I keep questioning if this is the right thing to do. Its not his fault I'm unhappy, When we met I was just leaving school, I felt pretty down on myself, I didn't make any friends while in school and I wasn't happy with my career choice. I went out with him not really expecting anything serious to come out of it. We get along but we argue a lot about stupid things. I dont feel we enjoy each other's company the way a couple should.
I feel like I'm marrying him because I've come to a point of "might as well".
I live with my parents in a cramped apartment. I thought I'd eventually move out but At first my job just didn't pay enough. Then when I got a better job, realized I had accumulated too much debt and I needed to pay it off. Then my mom lost her job and I felt I had to chip in and help more. My parents are also very religious and from a culture where you are expected to live home until you get married so I felt more pressure to stay then to follow my heart and move on.
Living home has helped me pay pay off some of my debt and allowed me to help out the family but I wonder if Ive paid a much higher price when it comes to my mental health and personal growth. Im an introvert and I'm kind of socially awkward. My only activities right now are work and church and I don't enjoy either one of these. Ocasionally I try to push myself to get involved in other things. I go exercise and I've tried some volunteering activities but I just seem unable to find something i enjoy. I know the issue is with me and I've tried therapy several times but nothing's come of it. I feel like maybe if I just had some good friends I'd be happier. People I want to hang out with dont wanna hang out eith me. Honestly i probably wouldn't want to hang out with me either.
A lot of the kids who grew up with me at church have moved away and are doing their own thing. I often feel like the loser who never figured out my life. My soon to be husband is very devout and engaged in church life. If I had known this about him when I met him I probably would not have dated him. I go to church mostly out of boredom but Ive gotten a little involved in certain activities but it still makes me sad because this is not really what I want to be doing.
Part of me is excited about getting married and starting a new stage in my life. I like the idea of a getting married and starting a family. I'm just really unhappy with myself for not knowing what I want and going after it. One of my mom's friends approached me recently and asked me if my mom was forcing me to get married. This made me sad and it tells me I'm not hiding my feelings well. Planning a big wedding for the family also makes me sad because I really feel like I'll look depressed while trying to convince myself and everyone else that I'm happy and that this is what I want. Ive told my fiance how i felt but he seems to think it's just a phase. Maybe it is but I don't know.
Postpone the wedding, don't necessarily dump him, but don't get married. Also find other activities that you might enjoy. Stop going to church for the sake of it. No wonder you are unhappy.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,771,805 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by mizzlea
I've decided to take the leap but I keep questioning if this is the right thing to do. Its not his fault I'm unhappy, When we met I was just leaving school, I felt pretty down on myself, I didn't make any friends while in school and I wasn't happy with my career choice. I went out with him not really expecting anything serious to come out of it. We get along but we argue a lot about stupid things. I dont feel we enjoy each other's company the way a couple should.
I feel like I'm marrying him because I've come to a point of "might as well".
I live with my parents in a cramped apartment. I thought I'd eventually move out but At first my job just didn't pay enough. Then when I got a better job, realized I had accumulated too much debt and I needed to pay it off. Then my mom lost her job and I felt I had to chip in and help more. My parents are also very religious and from a culture where you are expected to live home until you get married so I felt more pressure to stay then to follow my heart and move on.
Living home has helped me pay pay off some of my debt and allowed me to help out the family but I wonder if Ive paid a much higher price when it comes to my mental health and personal growth. Im an introvert and I'm kind of socially awkward. My only activities right now are work and church and I don't enjoy either one of these. Ocasionally I try to push myself to get involved in other things. I go exercise and I've tried some volunteering activities but I just seem unable to find something i enjoy. I know the issue is with me and I've tried therapy several times but nothing's come of it. I feel like maybe if I just had some good friends I'd be happier. People I want to hang out with dont wanna hang out eith me. Honestly i probably wouldn't want to hang out with me either.
A lot of the kids who grew up with me at church have moved away and are doing their own thing. I often feel like the loser who never figured out my life. My soon to be husband is very devout and engaged in church life. If I had known this about him when I met him I probably would not have dated him. I go to church mostly out of boredom but Ive gotten a little involved in certain activities but it still makes me sad because this is not really what I want to be doing.
Part of me is excited about getting married and starting a new stage in my life. I like the idea of a getting married and starting a family. I'm just really unhappy with myself for not knowing what I want and going after it. One of my mom's friends approached me recently and asked me if my mom was forcing me to get married. This made me sad and it tells me I'm not hiding my feelings well. Planning a big wedding for the family also makes me sad because I really feel like I'll look depressed while trying to convince myself and everyone else that I'm happy and that this is what I want. Ive told my fiance how i felt but he seems to think it's just a phase. Maybe it is but I don't know.
OP, I didn't even read the word "love" in your post at all. You don't use the word love once, I think you know marrying this guy in your current rut has disaster written all over it. You need to make a plan get out of your parents home, go out and find a life before you marry anyone, it is only fair to you and your intended.
Sorry for such a long post but thanks for reading and posting your input. It took me a little while to think through my feelings and post this on the internet so I really appreciate other people's insight. The concensus so far seems to be to call off the wedding. In my heart I relly feel that is the right thing to do but I am exhausted. I've had numerous conversations with boyfriend about this and I've suggested we break up several times. He doesnt seem to think it's a big deal. After these conversations we get along really well and then I rethink and tell myself there is no good reason to break up. After all he's good to me. I don't want to hurt him.
I know reading through my post it sounds really negative and I feel bad that I'm so negative. It's not all bad or else we wouldn't have been together this whole time. He is really a good man and when he asks me what I want I don't have a real answer. I really wish I could be happy and content. I feel like I'm just not the right woman for him but he loves me regardless. Ive told him I loved him but I'm not sure its true and I feel bad about it. My family loves him amd my mom flips out on me anytime I mention reservations about marrying him. My mother says she didn't love my father when she married him but it's worked out for her.
Last edited by mizzlea; 12-27-2016 at 07:33 PM..
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