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I’m a 28-year-old man, but physically, I look as if I’m 17. I get it from my dad. He’s Nigerian, and everyone in his family looks way younger than they are. He has never even shaved (neither have I – we can’t grow a beard). My dad's mother is 76, but she looks as if she's around 50. My dad is 52, but people mistake him for someone in his early 30s. They find it absolutely incomprehensible when he tells them his real age – they demand to see his birth certificate or passport because his physical appearance absolutely defies his age. My mom is German – she’s 55 and looks her age, so it’s pretty clear I get my physical appearance from my dad.
My girlfriend is 30 and she looks like a 30-year-old woman. When we’re together, people always think she’s dating a kid. Once someone thought we were half-siblings and she was my older sister! In all honesty, I feel like I’m punching way above my weight regarding my relationship with my girlfriend. She’s absolutely stunning, both physically and from a personality-perspective.
What exacerbates my youthful appearance is the fact that it’s impossible for me to gain weight (the same with my dad). No matter how much we eat, we just don’t put on weight. I’m a videogame programmer, and although I love my job to death and wouldn't change it for anything else, it can be pretty stressful with 15 hour days and sometimes 7-days-a-week schedules when publisher-imposed deadlines are approaching.
During those rough periods, when I come home from work, I smoke a couple of joints in order to unwind. That gives me the munchies, and I absolutely devour my fridge or go to the closest supermarket and stock up on food. I once consumed an entire loaf of bread with peanut butter in one night (oh man, I paid for it the next day). My colleague actually stopped smoking weed because she put on significant weight because of the munchies. I have a thing for steak when I smoke pot, and when I’m high, I eat a lot of it. But when I step on the scale, nothing happens.
I’ll admit that I do have an inferiority complex regarding physicality when it comes to other males my age. When I and my girlfriend go out to a bar or restaurant, and I see men my age, who have matured faces and bodies, it gets to me. I feel inferior to them. And I see the way they look at my girlfriend, and it makes me feel incredibly insecure.
My mom always says that I and my dad are incredibly lucky to be able to eat whatever we want with no consequences, and to look significantly younger than we are. My dad used to hate looking so young when he was in his 20s and 30s, but now that he’s in his 50s, he absolutely loves the fact he looks like a 33-year-old. He’s very smug about it these days. He tells me when I’m his age, I’ll love it, too. That may very well be the case, but I’m not thinking about 20 years from now – I’m thinking about NOW.
I have this paralyzing fear that one day, my girlfriend will become tired of people thinking she's dating a high school student and that she'll find a man who looks his age.
Is your girlfriend there because she hAs to be or because she thinks you are a great guy?
When I was 25 I looked like I was 15. Like you, I could not gain a pound. Some people do have high metabolism but I realized I was not consuming enough calories as I thought. I would keep a running record of the foods you eat and how many calories you are consuming per day and per week. You might be surprised how little calories you are getting.
Growing up I did have some issues pertaining to mental health. I saw a few therapists in my late teens, but it wasn't until I was 21 I found a therapist who really helped me overcome those mental barriers. I was fine for a long time since then, but it does seem as if some of those issues are making a comeback.
Yes, you're right, not many can probably help me here. I was just wondering if there may be others with a similar issue on this website.
OP, if your gf is happy with you, you should be happy. Don't worry, be happy.
Also, now that you know what type of therapy helps you, you can Google around to find someone who practices the same way as your other therapist (or go back to the first one, if you can), to get a booster shot for your issues. Congrats on the work that you did earlier!
Remember: it's ok. It's all in your mind. Take care.
Therapists are a nonsense. They have no idea what they are talking about.
I've had mindset issues of my own. Haven't we all? That's normal. No need to pathologize it. That just makes the problem worse!
Listen, every man has some sort of insecurities when it comes to women. And anyone that says he doesn't is a damn liar.
I'll tell you an abridged story of my own, to let you understand you aren't alone:
I was at a workplace in early 2015 when a stunning girl became attracted to me. The girl was 22, and I was turning 30. Now, in my head, the insecurities start coming up. I literally thought "this might be the last time that I have the chance to get with someone who looks like that, and is that age".
My insecurities led me to blowing the whole thing with stupid behaviour - behaviour that just wasn't me at all.
So, I started looking in to that proper. I don't let mistakes happen willy-nilly. I learnt exactly what the deal was.
And since, I have been with many women that are in their early 20s. So, my previous insecurity is laughable to me now.
Yet, I still get new insecurities come up - all the time!
That is just a part of the game, mate.
It's not something to be pathologized. You don't need to take some sort of pills. You don't need therapy. You just need perspective.
So what if your insecurities blow things with this woman? It's not the end of the world. Plenty more where she came from.
There is something to learn here. There usually is with dating, which is what makes it so damn great.
Each woman is practice for the next. Think back on your own experience, and you'll find that to be the case. I'm not being crude, or anything.
This is all about just becoming a better man. Becoming more natural. And in that sense, this is far better than meditation, or any Buddhist stuff.
Don't repress anything. Face it head on.
Well, in the beginning, when I was trying out therapy, it was pretty useless to me. I was pretty naive about it when I first started, as I thought you just simply find a therapist and everything becomes better. But it doesn't work like that - you have to find the right type of therapy, and the right therapist for you. And eventually I did find the one, who helped me immensely. For years all the issues and baggage I carried with me, evaporated. It was the happiest time of my life. The insecurity about looking so young was still there, but it was in the recesses of my mind and it didn't affect me much.
Regarding your previous insecurities - thanks for being so open with your own experiences. I can relate to some of what you say. I really appreciate it, and what you have written regarding "facing it head on" has given me food for thought.
Is your girlfriend there because she hAs to be or because she thinks you are a great guy?
When I was 25 I looked like I was 15. Like you, I could not gain a pound. Some people do have high metabolism but I realized I was not consuming enough calories as I thought. I would keep a running record of the foods you eat and how many calories you are consuming per day and per week. You might be surprised how little calories you are getting.
.
I have a calorie chart that documents what I eat. I consume more calories than I'm supposed to on a daily basis, but it's futile. Believe me, it's just the way my body is set up. My dad he has never been able to put on significant weight, even though he has tried in the past. The same with my 76 year old grandmother. You say you also used to have a problem with weight gain - I assume that changed?
As for my girlfriend being with me . . . well I can't think of a reason of why she would be with me because she HAS to. She can up and leave me anytime if she wants.
OP, if your gf is happy with you, you should be happy. Don't worry, be happy.
Also, now that you know what type of therapy helps you, you can Google around to find someone who practices the same way as your other therapist (or go back to the first one, if you can), to get a booster shot for your issues. Congrats on the work that you did earlier!
Remember: it's ok. It's all in your mind. Take care.
As for going back to the therapist who helped me tremendously - I'm afraid that's not possible. I came across him when I was in college in New York. I now live in Santa Monica.
Last edited by fromcaliwithlove; 01-19-2017 at 02:48 AM..
I've actually decided to talk to my girlfriend about the full extent of my insecurities. She's been out of town for the last week due to work obligations, but she'll be back at the weekend. She's an understanding woman, and I've been afraid to explain my deep feelings because I felt it would make me look weak. However, I realise that carrying on like this just isn't healthy, and with my history of self-sabotage, it's better for me to act positively now while I still have the chance.
Thanks for the comments, guys and girls. Some of them really helped.
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