Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Before I even explain the situation, let me begin by stating the only question I have. What would be a compromise in this situation?
Ok, here goes.
I currently live in Maine with my boyfriend of 2 years. I love him very much and can't imagine a life without him and our dog. We've talked about marriage/children etc. we both have good jobs, but jobs that are very easily transferable.
Over the last few years pretty much my entire family has relocated to North Carolina. My aunts and uncles did about 4 years ago, my grandparents did about 3, my sister moved last year and my mother plans to move in a few months. My family is very close, we have a really strong bond and my boyfriend knows this. I can't imagine living that far away from my family, it would be so difficult. Not to mention I actually hate the town I live in, it's got three stores in a 200mile radius and it snows 7 months out of the year in a GOOD year. I've always dreamt of moving somewhere with a better climate but I didn't want to be to far from my family. Now that they are all gone, I feel it's the time to start thinking about it. We have no children, money saved, the only thing tying us down is a house. But houses sell. And I can be patient.
I have talked a little bit about this to my boyfriend, but so far he's a no. Which is confusing to me because I've mentioned it over the last two years and every time i do he says "yes I'd move if I could find a job"...and now it's a "I'm too committed here with my jobs". That leaves me in a crappy position because I feel no matter what happens at this point I get the **** end of the stick. I don't want to stay in Maine forever, there are so many opportunities down south, more jobs, more to do. I would be miserable if I had to stay here without family nonetheless. I would regret not taking that chance for the rest of my life. And if he says he absolutely won't go and I decide I absolutely want to, then we break up and i potentially regret THAT for the rest of my life. And if we move together and he isn't all in, I'd feel guilty for taking him away from everything he knows.
So I'm not looking for relationship advice per she because I know no matter what it'll be difficult. But what would honestly be a compromise in this situation. This isn't a 3 hour distance/day trip relocation, this is a 20+ hour distance.
He prefers Maine, you want North Carolina ... not easily compromised unless you agree on something that gets you out of the snow belt but short of NC where most of your family has settled. However, that will leave behind resentment and frustration on both parts. He will be unhappy that he was uprooted, and you will feel shortchanged because being closer will never be the same as being there in very close proximity to family.
If a candid discussion proves to be a dead end, you may have to consider going it alone and seeing how each of you responds to the other not being in your daily life. Sometimes a trial separation such as that will bring people closer than ever before or make you realize that following your heart was the way to go. I wish you well ...
I currently live in Maine with my boyfriend of 2 years.
I actually hate the town I live in
the only thing tying us down is a house.
"yes I'd move if I could find a job"...and now it's a "I'm too committed here with my jobs".
my entire family has relocated to North Carolina.
very close, we have a really strong bond
what would honestly be a compromise in this situation.
At least once a week the NC forum will gets a post like this.
Most don't have any family ties or any reason to want NC specifically.
Still, most are warned off of an uprooting change absent a solid job in advance.
As to your specific relationship Q... there is NO compromise to be had.
It's all in with what you have now in ME...or pack it up and go (somewhere else).
Having a specific place to go to mitigates that some but not all that much.
We are 25, near the mountains in NC. I understand compromise wouldn't be easy. Wishful thinking has me hoping there might be some kind of compromise here that I haven't thought of. Unlikely but I'm sure some of you understand how difficult this is and I'm hoping for the best possible outcome here. :/
This also brings on a whole other load of questions if I decide to go and he stays. Who gets the dog, who gets what furniture, we have a car in both of our names.
And if I stay. How can this work without me resenting, how often can we visit my family, what about marriage and kids? What does our future hold? I certainly don't want to make a huge decision to stay and later find out he has no intention of making any commitment. (We have talked about marriage but he's always been hesitant as his parents had an ugly divorce.)
Who gets the dog, who gets what furniture, we have a car in both of our names.
It's telling that you bonded together in so many ways like this AND bought a house together in that time ^^ but stopped short of getting married.
Unfortunately, I agree that there is no compromise here because you want different things and, RIGHT NOW, he seems to have cooled toward marriage.
I think these are the things you pay attention to:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose1992
My family is very close, we have a really strong bond and my boyfriend knows this. I can't imagine living that far away from my family, it would be so difficult.
I actually hate the town I live in..
I've always dreamt of moving somewhere with a better climate
I don't want to stay in Maine forever....
I would be miserable if I had to stay here without family nonetheless.
I would regret not taking that chance for the rest of my life.
Just go with your gut and see what happens with him. Unfortunately even people who love each other break up over dealbreakers like this.
Listen to your instincts and make what will seem like a difficult decision now. He may change his mind; he may not, but you will have made the best decision FOR YOU. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but it sounds like you are at a crossroads.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 02-18-2017 at 06:36 AM..
First, be very considerate about your next steps. Don't burn bridges.
Boyfriend keeps the dog and pays you your share of the house, which can't be that much if you've only been together two years. A real estate atty will help you with that.
You buy the car from him. Do everything by the book to keep the titles straight.
Keep your personal items but leave most of the furniture. Plan to travel light.
Move in with your family while you find a job, if you haven't before moving. ASAP, find your own apartment or rental house so you're independent.
Be patient.
There's no way to tell how things will work out but if you remain on good terms with your ex, everything will be better than if you weren't.
The bottom line is, you never married, and there is a reason for that. Ellie has some great advice. You are only 25, don't get stuck in a life you don't want.
I don't want to stay in Maine forever, there are so many opportunities down south, more jobs, more to do. I would be miserable if I had to stay here without family nonetheless. I would regret not taking that chance for the rest of my life.
You got your answer right here. You already know you don't wanna stay in Maine forever and that you would be miserable, and it's understandable that you want to move. At the same time, your boyfriend's position is also understandable. He seems to like Maine and your life there, and he values his job. It doesn't matter what he might have wanted in the past, now he seems to want to stay in Maine.
Honestly, there isn't much you can do. Sit him down for another honest conversation and tell him you don't need to move to North Carolina (don't make this about your family), but that you would like to leave Maine in the future. That you're not in a rush, but that you just cannot imagine to live there forever. Tell him that it's negotiable where you could move to, and that you'd be happy to explore options. If he's still really against it, you need to make a decision (which probably means you have to leave him).
Btw, I don't understand though why you need to be THAT close to your family. Maine and North Carolina aren't even THAT far apart. I live 11 flight hours from my family and I'd be happy if they lived as close as yours.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
