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Even when I use a condom, I usually ask before anything happens if they're clean. I've heard that you can catch things through oral and that a condom is recommended during oral as well but I don't want to suck on latex. At least you can't catch HIV with oral. I've only had one person make a face when I asked if he was clean. I asked if he thought I was weird and he said "no, that's responsible", but it is true (and sad) that most people don't ask.
And I don't give a flying f*** if anybody thinks I'm weird for asking. Think about it, you're the one who's going to have to deal with it on your own if you catch anything. I've had false scares before when I saw bumps down there but I wasn't seeing the guy anymore. I have never felt so scared, embarrassed and alone with no one to comfort me and tell me everything's going to be ok, no one to take me to the clinic to get tested. I couldn't call him to yell at him because it was my fault and I should have been more responsible. I was too embarrassed to tell any of my friends and have them wallow in my misery with me. So I was relentlessly searching on the internet for symptoms and nasty pictures and finally I realized it might just be an ingrown hair from shaving and it turned out I was right. And maybe a little paranoid. But that's what will likely happen if you were to catch anything, so please be more responsible and don't be afraid to ask. /donepreaching
I refuse to do it raw if we're not in an exclusive relationship. I'll trust them by their word, but if it's casual sex, then I just won't do it if there's no condom. I did have one person stop me before anything happened and told me he wasn't clean, which was very considerate of him. Please don't mention STDs in your ad. Least sexy thing to do.
You sound exactly like me! Smart lady. I had a similar scare years ago and vowed never to put myself in that situation again. I made a bone-head decision to hook back up with my ex after not talking for a year. Asked him if he'd been tested and he said, "all the time." Which rubbed me the wrong way. I ended up with a severe kidney infection and a pregnancy scare even on the pill with condom use, but no STD's. (Thank science!)
OP - this is something you need to discuss after dating someone you might want to hook-up with. It does sound creepy and presumptious for you to post this on a dating ad. One time after a first date, the guy tried to hook-up with me. I playfully responded, "Whoa, slow down mister! How do I know you don't have the A IDS or the herps?" He said, "Well I have one of those..." Then admitted to having contracted herpes from his ex. Sometimes playful banter can cut right to things as well....
I am a late 30s guy who is now on the "always ask for test results prior to having sex" bandwagon. I had a couple people I met through online dating in the past notify me they had STIs. After that happened, I got tested and I started asking everyone else to be as well. I have gotten a variety of responses. More than I expected were offended and refused (obviously I don't bring it up first date or anything - not until it looks like sexy time might be on the horizon). Ones who didn't refuse didn't seem to be well versed, it was more "OK, I'll ask my doctor about it". They generally had no idea what they were tested for specifically or even what the test results were short of "I didn't hear anything so it must be OK".
Someone I was dating took a test and found she was unknowingly HSV-2 positive, which was a big mess. She had no idea and I felt terrible as I was the reason she found out.
Herpes is really a messy one. It's A LOT more prevalent than most think. Statistically, 37% of women who have had 10 or more partners in their lifetime are HSV-2 positive [1]. Condoms reduce the risk of HSV transmission by about half in women, but are considerably less effective in reducing transmission to men [2]. 80% of people who are positive for HSV will never have any symptoms, but they can still transmit it [3]. Standard STI tests, "hey doc, check me for everything", do not include tests for HSV [4]. I have a couple guy friends who specifically will not get tested for HSV because they've had a number of partners and figure as long as they don't have symptoms, it's better not to know. You don't need to disclose what you don't know and few women will ask specifically if you've been HSV tested. They can easily skirt around a general "are you STI tested" question.
Obviously I don't have any casual sex and since I pay out of pocket for my tests before I have sex with anyone new (I wouldn't ask someone to do something I won't do), I am selective and usually date people for several months before engaging in any sexual activity.
I wish I had not asked this question. I have not dated yet and already I am losing any enthusiasm I had.
Maybe its just me.
I somehow have to make it known that I am looking for something long term and I am not comfortable with sex until we are tested. If that is going to get me friend zoned and ignored than so be it. I am sure it will reduce the potential women who might go out with me. But if I caught a disease being foolish, I am sure that would also greatly reduce the number of women who would date me.
I stopped reading the replies because I felt compelled to encourage you to go with your gut... that you're looking for something longterm and are not comfortable with sex until both are tested.
Like someone earlier said, condoms don't always protect you from herpes, and, to top that off, a standard STD test usually does not include Hsv... you have to ask.
Good luck, I think you simply tell whoever you date what you said here... your wording above is perfect. Maybe not on the first date, but before things get too hot and heavy. And, keep your enthusiasm... Enthusiasm is attractive.
Oh crap, I just scrolled down and see that SomebodyInteresting covered the herpes thing. Awesome.
Have you actually asked a partner to see their results or were you just speaking hypothetically? I dread awkward conversations. I mean, I really dread them!
Have you actually asked a partner to see their results or were you just speaking hypothetically? I dread awkward conversations. I mean, I really dread them!
It's a LOT less awkward than calling everyone you had sex with in the last several months to tell them you now have herpes.
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