Breakup: I love you, but I can't do the distance. How do you move on? (woman, husband)
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I wonder what I would do if a woman told me to marry her after dating for 10 months. I wonder if he just freaked and bailed. I think that its a likely scenario.
Exactly, it's like people forget that she was the one to make this demand -- actually after 8 months, not 10, and not like 10 would make it any better. Eight is pathetic.
"One loves one's desires, not what is desired" - Nietzsche
Thanks everyone for your support and sympathy so far. Having an outlet for my emotions and receiving everyone's input has been very therapeutic.
But I'm still having a hard time dealing with how the breakup happened. Is it just me or did he give up prematurely? I don't blame him for moving (he was accepted and chose to go to the school that was best for his career), but we were going to try to overcome the distance until the time we would be together. I don't agree with him that he put in an honest good effort (come on, a measly two months, only 1.5 hour flight away), especially for someone he described as a future lifetime mate and the best thing that's ever happened to him. I felt like he was incredibly selfish, cruel, and insensitive in how he went about it (no mention or discussion of his feelings of doubt or not being able to deal, hence no opportunity to try to make an effort to make it better, then an abrupt end).
I understand mentally that analyzing the relationship will get me nowhere, but I feel like it's just a natural part of the grieving process. And I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that, for whatever reason, he took stock of my qualities and of our relationship, and chose to walk.
But, I can't help feel like, given how serious our relationship was, I deserved a bit more than an abrupt phonecall to end things. No chance for me to say goodbye to him or to us. I feel like that's how you break up with someone you just met and dated for a couple months. Not someone you had been planning a serious future with, and asking to move to a different state for you. I had one last talk with him (and it will be the last, I don't care to be the pathetic clingy girl who can't move on), and he said that after the relationship became long distance, in his mind I went from "serious girlfriend/potential life mate" to "good friend that I care about (and still want in my life, but as a friend)". How do you go from "I love you, I want to marry you and have babies with you" to nothingness in a mere two months? Something just doesn't add up, like either he misrepresented himself beforehand, or he's not being truthful about his reason for breaking up.
Perhaps I'm moving on from the "woe is me" phase to the anger phase. It makes me sad to doubt the sincerity or preciousness of what we had, but I can't help but question it and feel confused, hurt, and wronged. I suppose it's a natural part of the healing process.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine about 8 months ago - she got the "I love you, but..." excuse too.
That really got to her, as clearly he didn't really love her or he would not have made her suffer with the same kind of abrupt and inexplicable ending as you have just been dealt.
I think your suspicions are right - he has not been honest about his reasons, and is saying "I love you, but..." in an attempt to make himself seem nice and caring.
If you have the courage to handle the pain I would speak to him one more time and say that you do not care to have his friendship but would like his honesty - and ask what is the real reason for the break-up?
But only if you feel you can handle an honest answer. It may just be that the move has changed him, and his feelings. Or he has met someone else. Or he wants to sleep with other women, but not cheat on you. Who knows? Just don't blame yourself.
Time heals - my friend has a new boyfriend now and is very happy!
Thanks everyone for your support and sympathy so far. Having an outlet for my emotions and receiving everyone's input has been very therapeutic.
But I'm still having a hard time dealing with how the breakup happened. Is it just me or did he give up prematurely? I don't agree with him that he put in an honest good effort (come on, a measly two months, only 1.5 hour flight away), especially for someone he described asa future lifetime mate and the best thing that's ever happened to him. I felt like he was incredibly selfish, cruel, and insensitive in how he went about it (no mention or discussion of his feelings of doubt or not being able to deal, hence no opportunity to try to make an effort to make it better, then an abrupt end).
I understand mentally that analyzing the relationship will get me nowhere, but I feel like it's just a natural part of the grieving process. And I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that, for whatever reason, he took stock of my qualities and of our relationship, and chose to walk.
But, I can't help feel like, given how serious our relationship was, I deserved a bit more than an abrupt phonecall to end things. No chance for me to say goodbye to him or to us. I feel like that's how you break up with someone you just met and dated for a couple months. Not someone you had been planning a serious future with, and asking to move to a different state for you. I had one last talk with him (and it will be the last, I don't care to be the pathetic clingy girl who can't move on), and he said that after the relationship became long distance, in his mind I went from "serious girlfriend/potential life mate" to "good friend that I care about (and still want in my life, but as a friend)". How do you go from "I love you, I want to marry you and have babies with you" to nothingness in a mere two months? Something just doesn't add up, like either he misrepresented himself beforehand, or he's not being truthful about his reason for breaking up.
Perhaps I'm moving on from the "woe is me" phase to the anger phase. It makes me sad to doubt the sincerity or preciousness of what we had, but I can't help but question it and feel confused, hurt, and wronged. I suppose it's a natural part of the healing process.
Analyzing the relationship is the only way to process this. To say that will get you nowhere is naive, a concept you might wish to explore in the hindsight analysis of this relationship. You might focus on what you expected and why, what needs were filled and how, and alternative methods of closure.....and just how you found yourself in this situation of vulnerability. You're right, something doesn't add up. The best advice I have to offer, which is probably difficult to hear, is screw him. Do not allow his behavior to affect you in this way. Own your behavior. Acknowledge how and why you're in this position. The only thing you can change is you. So that's the starting point. I can't imagine I would be as surprised if I were in this situation, which I wouldn't be, but even so, I lack the element of surprise. I generally know what someone's gonna do before that person even realizes it. So develop some insight from this experience. I bet there were hints you missed.
Exactly, it's like people forget that she was the one to make this demand -- actually after 8 months, not 10, and not like 10 would make it any better. Eight is pathetic.
I don't understand the backlash I'm getting for telling my boyfriend, who asked me to move for him, that I wouldn't consider doing so and sacrificing my career ambitions for anything short of a formal commitment. I wasn't looking for him to propose or anything at that point, but merely drawing a line as far as what I would do for him. And a future together (marriage, children, etc) was something we had already been discussing so there's no reason for the "M-word" to scare him. For a while, he was even informing me of various job opportunities in his area for after I graduate.
Also, as I stated before, while people may read 10 months and judge the relationship, we had a pre-existing relationship as friends, so it was 10 months without the trying to impress the other person, putting up false fronts, playing games, getting to know one another (both the good and the bad), learning how the other isn't perfect, etc. We were already past that stage from the beginning of the relationship.
Last edited by vemureaux; 03-04-2008 at 06:29 PM..
I don't understand the backlash I'm getting for telling my boyfriend, who asked me to move for him, that I wouldn't consider doing so and sacrificing my career ambitions for anything short of a formal commitment. I wasn't forcing him to choose anything at that point, and it was something we had already been discussing so there's no reason for the "M-word" to scare him.
Also, as I stated before, while people may read 10 months and judge the relationship, we had a pre-existing relationship as friends, so it was 10 months without the trying to impress the other person, putting up false fronts, playing games, getting to know one another (both the good and the bad), learning how the other isn't perfect, etc. We were already past that stage from the beginning of the relationship.
Implying that stage of false representation is normal, or necessary, or a required "stage"?? That proud claim for me, is not only misguided, but also reinforcing, of the ambiguous expectations I previously referred. I wouldn't spend one week, much less a month, certainly not 10 months as you proclaim as an accomplishment, with someone who was frontin', playin' games, or whatever -- you imply these things comprise a necessary foundation for new relationships, by stating that you "were already past that stage". That's just crazy. This baseline of expectations is exactly what I encourage you to explore.
Implying that stage of false representation is normal, or necessary, or a required "stage"?? That proud claim for me, is not only misguided, but also reinforcing, of the ambiguous expectations I previously referred. I wouldn't spend one week, much less a month, certainly not 10 months as you proclaim as an accomplishment, with someone who was frontin', playin' games, or whatever -- you imply these things comprise a necessary foundation for new relationships, by stating that you "were already past that stage". That's just crazy. This baseline of expectations is exactly what I encourage you to explore.
Quite the contrary. I don't think false representations are a necessary foundation for a relationship at all, and I quite agree that it's a waste of time. I do think, however, that it's common for young people (and some adults) learning to love to go through that stage until they figure out who they are and what they are looking for, their needs and compatabilities. Also, some people are not comfortable presenting themselves as is from the get go, or ever, for that matter. It's certainly more common that you say, granted that doesn't make it any more healthy or acceptable. I personally though, feel like I am past that and so was my boyfriend. I also feel that people here are assuming that just because I was with this person as a girlfriend for only 10 months, that people assume it was that kind of a immature/fantasy relationship. I dated someone I knew well already and I had a very good understanding of that person, which allowed for an unconditional love to develop quickly.
p.s. In response to your earlier comment, I agree that reflection is key to recovery and crucial to learning from your mishaps and misfortunes. It's a necessary part of growth and redefining oneself. At the same time, I don't want to end up moping and not being able to move on because I'm stuck analyzing something that's ended and done. I'm trying to figure out the healthy balance between healthy internalization & reflection and not-allowing-yourself-to-move-on analysis of every minute detail of the relationship.
Last edited by vemureaux; 03-04-2008 at 06:53 PM..
This is where my response comes in.. if you really want to find out the truth.. then dig.. but I will say this.. you may be surprised at the response... Could it be that he had another person all this time and was not up front with you? I mean there are many possibilities.. but the question of the day .. is do you really want to know and if you do... will it do something for you? For me personally.. I let lying dogs lay.. what was.. was.. it is no more.. If you feel you have something to gain by doing this.. then by all means proceed... but you will find it will get you no where and if you think you feel anger now.. it could be 10 fold by the time you are done.
Personally, I would say let it rest for a bit. Deal with what has happened and try to move on. It is better to have wasted the time that you did and go from there then waste more of your time and energy on something that will no longer be. Now .. if you feel you have a chance to resseruct this relationship... then please do what you need to do to get it back on track. But remember .. it takes two people to get that resolved. Is he willing to get it back on track? I mean if he is saying he no longer has any interest.. what would it take to get him back? Do you really want to waste that kind of time on something that may not happen? Do you really want to waste your precious time on finding out why he no longer wants to be with you? I would think not.. but then again that is me. You dont have to tell me twice that I am no longer needed. I just move on. The hurt is terrible and can get to you .. but in the end.. once it has all settled down.. Life can be beautiful again.
Somewhere down the road "Mister Right" is there.. dont settle for "Mister Right Now". He doesnt deserve you...
Implying that stage of false representation is normal, or necessary, or a required "stage"?? That proud claim for me, is not only misguided, but also reinforcing, of the ambiguous expectations I previously referred. I wouldn't spend one week, much less a month, certainly not 10 months as you proclaim as an accomplishment, with someone who was frontin', playin' games, or whatever -- you imply these things comprise a necessary foundation for new relationships, by stating that you "were already past that stage". That's just crazy. This baseline of expectations is exactly what I encourage you to explore.
I would venture to guess you, Dbledeez, have been in a situation like this and are mad at yourself still. You have an exaggerated reaction to Vem's problem. I don't think you are in the proper state of mind to give advice.
For you Vem. I think you are handling this extremely well, given the short time you found this out. You are thinking it through and I don't think you are at all at fault for not reading him correctly. People who tell you this are wrong. I married my husband after knowing him for seven months. No big problems. It's not YOUR fault. Forget those who are berating you.
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