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I've talked about this before, but it's still a problem. So please excuse my newer thread about it. I think mainly I just need to write it all out--although as always, I appreciate advice.
I had a lovely weekend with my boyfriend. He's been extremely busy with his business (he warned me it would be extremely busy for a few months) and we haven't spend much time together, so this weekend was a wonderful treat! We didn't really do much other than just spend the weekend together. We went grocery shopping, looked at cars, and watched the Science Channel. It was just great spending time with him.
Anyway, he's feeling terribly guilty about not spending as much time with me. I know why too, he told me this weekend that he's convinced this is why his marriage ended and he didn't want history to repeat itself. But he felt stuck. I told him, I get it. You don't own a business, a business owns you.
But it's causing him terrible anxiety and it's eating away at him. He's got this fear of losing me, no matter how much I tell him I am here and am not going anywhere. He's a wonderful, kind, awesome man... we have so much in common (even our senses of humor and family lives)... we've met each other's families and I really like his family and he likes mine... I've said it before, but it's like we've always known each other somehow. Our relationship isn't perfect, but darn it, it's pretty great and I could never ask for a better man in my life. I'd be crazy to leave him over a temporary, "lack of attention." I got into this relationship knowing this was going to happen and I still accept it.
I was honest with him, I told him of course I would like to spend more time with him, but I understand that he has an obligation to keep his business running well not only for him, but for the people he employs. I told him I love him and I am not going anywhere despite all this work he's doing lately. He calls me every night when we aren't together--sometimes 2 or 3 times. He texts me too throughout the day. So while not together, we are in touch. This weekend he showered me in gifts.
By the way, this is all lack of time together is temporary anyway. It will be over with and we will be back to spending more time together. I am patient.
I don't think there is anything I can do to make him feel better and reduce his anxiety. As weird as it sounds, I think accepting the gifts this weekend made him feel better. It seemed to help. I wish there was something I could say or do. I hate that he's stressing himself out over our relationship. But at least I know why he's stressed. He's afraid our relationship will end like his marriage did... for the same reason. All I can do is try to assure him. I guess only time will show him there is nothing to worry about.
I remember in your thread from January where you mentioned his marriage failing, and that he thought his approach contributed to the end of his marriage.
If you are content and don't ask him to change, you can survive this lifestyle and even get used to it. It just sounds like it's part of his personality. The anxiety, if HE doesn't get a hold of it, will be the dealbreaker over time because of its capability to lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. But you can't do anything about that.
I remember in your thread from January where you mentioned his marriage failing, and that he thought his approach contributed to the end of his marriage.
If you are content and don't ask him to change, you can survive this lifestyle and even get used to it. It just sounds like it's part of his personality. The anxiety, if HE doesn't get a hold of it, will be the dealbreaker over time because of its capability to lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. But you can't do anything about that.
I know there isn't anything I can really do. I think it's the baggage he's carrying from his divorce and it comes with the territory of dating a divorced man. I just hate to see him put himself through it. It's one thing to be concerned about the health of a relationship, that's good. But it's another to stress about it and have anxiety over it. That's not good for a person's health and he's already pushing himself so hard with the work stuff.
... he's already pushing himself so hard with the work stuff.
Yeah, that's part of being with an entrepreneurial person. They tend to be so driven, out of necessity.
This is a tricky issue, because he COULD be mixing the stress of the job with his worry about the relationship and letting them overlap and build on each other.
It makes sense that he would have "baggage" from his divorce, especially if he recognizes that he is repeating the damaging behavior. Unfortunately, it is up to him to do something about all that. You got some great advice in your previous thread about how to lessen the stress on the relationship. Going forward, pay attention to whether he is merely complaining and expressing worry or whether he is adapting his behaviors to head toward real change.
I disagree politely with the above, and it's semantics, but there is something you can do. Stick around and continue to be patient and supportive. Actions really do speak louder than words sometimes.
And when you do have time with him, make your words count--express appreciation for the time you have together. Tell him that you admire his hard work, if that's true. Those are the words that will touch his soul and help him realize he shouldn't worry.
I disagree politely with the above, and it's semantics...
I agree that it's semantics.
IMHO There are two overlapping concerns here, which is why it's a complicated problem: 1) the health/status of the relationship, and 2) his personal anxiety.
His anxiety? She can do nothing about. The relationship? Absolutely be supportive and patient as many suggested in her previous thread.
The most fortunate part of this whole equation OP is that you don't appear to be overly needy or dependent on his attention for validation.
Was that the popcorn popping guy? So why is this business temporary and for how long?
I think I suggested it before, but why don't you guys either do the business together (and you get a share) or you come visit him where he works and you do your own stuff/read book/watch tv.... so you are at least together even though he works?
Was that the popcorn popping guy? So why is this business temporary and for how long?
I think I suggested it before, but why don't you guys either do the business together (and you get a share) or you come visit him where he works and you do your own stuff/read book/watch tv.... so you are at least together even though he works?
I never dated a popcorn guy. Must be someone else. My boyfriend is a contractor. I can't work with him because I don't have the knowledge or skill set to build infrastructure. I'd have to go back to college. Plus, I'd have to quit my job at the non profit I work for (which is actually in my field and area of expertise).
I don't think that going to work with him is a good idea at all, I mean work is work. My feeling is, if a couple can't stand some time where they don't see each other much, then they won't last anyways. My husband is a computer tech guy, and there are times that he works weekends and 10 to 14 hour days. I don't see him much. And it's ok. He also went to Thailand for a month on vacation, he had a blast, it was fine to have that time apart. We are still a strong couple. You don't need to spend every day together to be happy. In fact I would say sometimes time apart is good for you, makes you appreciate each other more.
It probably wouldn't have worked with his ex wife regardless, he should realize that.
I've talked about this before, but it's still a problem. So please excuse my newer thread about it. I think mainly I just need to write it all out--although as always, I appreciate advice.
I had a lovely weekend with my boyfriend. He's been extremely busy with his business (he warned me it would be extremely busy for a few months) and we haven't spend much time together, so this weekend was a wonderful treat! We didn't really do much other than just spend the weekend together. We went grocery shopping, looked at cars, and watched the Science Channel. It was just great spending time with him.
Anyway, he's feeling terribly guilty about not spending as much time with me. I know why too, he told me this weekend that he's convinced this is why his marriage ended and he didn't want history to repeat itself. But he felt stuck. I told him, I get it. You don't own a business, a business owns you.
But it's causing him terrible anxiety and it's eating away at him. He's got this fear of losing me, no matter how much I tell him I am here and am not going anywhere. He's a wonderful, kind, awesome man... we have so much in common (even our senses of humor and family lives)... we've met each other's families and I really like his family and he likes mine... I've said it before, but it's like we've always known each other somehow. Our relationship isn't perfect, but darn it, it's pretty great and I could never ask for a better man in my life. I'd be crazy to leave him over a temporary, "lack of attention." I got into this relationship knowing this was going to happen and I still accept it.
I was honest with him, I told him of course I would like to spend more time with him, but I understand that he has an obligation to keep his business running well not only for him, but for the people he employs. I told him I love him and I am not going anywhere despite all this work he's doing lately. He calls me every night when we aren't together--sometimes 2 or 3 times. He texts me too throughout the day. So while not together, we are in touch. This weekend he showered me in gifts.
By the way, this is all lack of time together is temporary anyway. It will be over with and we will be back to spending more time together. I am patient.
I don't think there is anything I can do to make him feel better and reduce his anxiety. As weird as it sounds, I think accepting the gifts this weekend made him feel better. It seemed to help. I wish there was something I could say or do. I hate that he's stressing himself out over our relationship. But at least I know why he's stressed. He's afraid our relationship will end like his marriage did... for the same reason. All I can do is try to assure him. I guess only time will show him there is nothing to worry about.
He's insecure because he knows that eventually you will eventually fleet on the premise of your emotions flocking to what you deem as the bigger and better.
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The relationship? Absolutely be supportive and patient 
as many suggested in her previous thread.
