Almost 5 years and no proposal (dating, boyfriend, marriage, women)
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My boyfriend and I met and fell in love in summer 2012, so it's been almost 5 years. He turns 33 this year, I just turned 29. Our relationship has always been amazing and I'm not exaggerating when I say that. He's loving, sweet, we spend a lot of time together, are very affectionate and we just get along really well, we barely ever fight. We moved in together after just a few months of dating and it's been great. There is one thing though- We did break up for 9 months and got back together in October last year. The reason we broke up? Fights about getting married.
One day in 2015 he came home and suggested at lunch that we should sign papers for a 'free union' so I could get his health insurance and company benefits. We're not from the US, so i'm not sure if something like that exists in the States. A 'free union' in our country is basically a contract you sign that makes your partnership legal and you'll be able to receive the same legal benefits as in a marriage. Not 100% sure about that though- I'm not sure if, for example, one of us had an accident and somebody would have to decide if the life support is switched off or not, if we could make that decision for each other since we wouldn't be married. Anyways, I told him that I rather get married than have a free union thing.
FYI, he always knew I wanted to get married some day. I always made that clear, even though we didn't bring it up a lot. In the beginning I just thought that's what he wants to. I remember the early months of our relationship, I was so convinced that I would be one of those girls who would get engaged after just a year. Why? Our relationship was going so well and he asked me to move in with him so quickly (he had never lived with anyone before even though he has long term relationships before), he told me I'm the love of his life, I met his friends and family quickly and that one time we were in a jewelry museum and he asked me which of the rings I liked (stupid me thought of a proposal, I guess he just didn't mean anything with that question).
Anyways, when I told him I rather get married he said okay, we can do that some day. After several discussions though, we went to a jewelry store to look at wedding bands for both of us. He even tried one on (without me having to ask him to) and seemed in a very good mood. That was around October 2015, after over three years of dating. I thought a proposal would come soon. The months afterwards, the topic was dropped completely. Sometimes he would make snarky remarks on weddings of friends (by the way, 90% of his friends are married). Like two of his friends sent us wedding invitations and when he saw them he said something like 'I can't believe he's getting married. That's so stupid' and 'He always said he would never get married, I don't understand why he changed his mind'. One day in January 2016 I called him out on it, and we started fighting. To sum it up, he told me that he never wanted to get married and that he thinks it's stupid and that he doesn't see the point of it. He says it's just a piece of paper and since he's not religious he doesn't see why he should do it. It ended with me leaving, and with us breaking up.
FYI again, I'm not religious either, but to me, you don't have to be religious to get married. Marriage to me is much more than a piece of paper, and I've explained that to him. Also, I know he cannot be scared for money reasons. I've always told him that I don't even need an engagement ring or a wedding, that I would be perfectly fine with us eloping (a simple nice ceremony with the two of us), some wedding rings and telling everyone afterwards that we got married. Also, he doesn't have to be scared of losing half of his money/belongings because laws here aren't that extreme, plus I have my own money and we would sign a pre nup anyways (which I don't have a problem with).
Soooo we broke up and I moved out. No contact for five months. He then drunk messages me telling me that he still loves me and misses me so much. I answer him, but I don't tell him the same thing. I just made small talk instead, I was still so hurt from all that. Then I stopped answering (he didn't ask me anything so I didn't see the point of continuing to talk to him). No contact for another few months. Then, in October last year, he reaches out to me, saying that he knows it was his fault and that I'm the love of his life and that he misses me so much and wants me back. I agreed to meet him, and we talked. He basically said the same thing again, and I told him that I've really missed him too, but that I haven't changed my mind about marriage. He said he knows that. I asked him if that means marriage is in the cards for us and he said for me, he'll do it. I took him back, but I didn't move back in yet. He wants me too, and even though I'm at his (our old) apartment all the time, I still haven't given up my own apartment. I don't want to, until we're engaged at least. I haven't said that to him yet, but I will.
So we've been back together for almost six months now. Christmas, Valentine's day and my birthday came and went and we literally haven't talked about getting married again. Not even one word. I hoped he would bring it up, but he did not. I don't know what to do. I just don't understand why he seems that much against marriage or marrying me. His parents have been married for over thirty years and I swear they're one of the happiest couples I've ever seen. His childhood was amazing, according to him. Even if it's just a piece of paper to him, why is it a huge deal then signing this piece of paper? Especially if it makes the person you call the love of your life happy. I'm starting to have doubts again. Does he really not want to get married or does he just not want to marry me? Does his reluctance of getting married means that he doesn't think our relationship will last forever? Does he not want to marry me because he wants to leave the door open for flirts with other women or in case he finds someone 'better'? What would you do? Should I bring it up again?
If you two are truly in love then I wouldn't care about the rings and ceremony stuff. For me, marriage is a state of mind, so whether or not you two were actually married he could still 'leave the door open for flirts or in case he finds someone better'. It happens all the time. It sounds like you believe that if you're married, then you've officially roped him in and away from ever finding someone else and dumping you, and to be perfectly honest, that sort of guarantee doesn't exist. With or without a formal marriage contract.
My late husband took almost 9 years to get to the 'I think we should get married and here is a ring to prove that I mean it' stage - so it can take a lot longer to get there with some men - but in order to get him there in the end .. I had to move 1000 miles away. I did that for me mind you .. to move on (not to get him to propose at that late date) .. but in the end it had the effect I had hoped just being who I was would have many years earlier. Have to say though that when that happened, I waivered a bit .. wondering even then if he meant it because I never did quite understand why it took him 'so long'.
If I were you, and this means so much to you (and it would/did to me too), I would tell him enough is enough and move out/move on. I know it will be hard for you but it seems you care about two of you .. and he cares more about only one (himself) especially if he won't talk about what the real problem is. For some reason, he won't really commit and doesn't value what you want as much as he values something for himself .. he may have tried to get there for you .. not saying he didn't do that .. but something is stopping him so he isn't the 'one' for you after all.
I am sorry. You did wait theoretically 'long enough' but if marriage is what YOU value and think it best for BOTH of you, then I think you best not waste any more time with this man. Go back into the world and find the one (or let him find you) who will truly make you both happy in that regard.
(By the way .. I refused to live with my late husband before he asked me to marry him .. I always maintained my independence - and it still took him that long. I would bet if I had moved in it might have taken 20 years or longer. Next guy you find .. you may want to try that too.)
One day in 2015 he came home and suggested at lunch that we should sign papers for a 'free union' so I could get his health insurance and company benefits. We're not from the US, so i'm not sure if something like that exists in the States. A 'free union' in our country is basically a contract you sign that makes your partnership legal and you'll be able to receive the same legal benefits as in a marriage. Not 100% sure about that though- I'm not sure if, for example, one of us had an accident and somebody would have to decide if the life support is switched off or not, if we could make that decision for each other since we wouldn't be married. Anyways, I told him that I rather get married than have a free union thing.
We don't have that here. If you are not married you do not qualify for some legal benefits/actions.
At the least I would suggest you look into getting a Power of Attorney and a Living Will.
Marriage may come later. It does not mean you don't love each other but you need to understand each other.
Maybe it's different in the West, but here, in Russia, men usually don't hesitate with what they want. If they do want to marry the woman they will propose very soon without dragging their feet. If they don't do it for more than one year it just means they are not considering it. Easy.
As for me, in your case I would just bring it up myself. Actually I've been married two times and in both cases I was the one who took the bull by its horns. Just by asking "When are we gonna get married?" If the partner started dodging I just cut them loose. If I had waited for a proposal just as patiently without bringing it up I would have probably been still single...
if a man doesn't propose during 1 year of relationship he's not going to do it ever. it's a hopeless case.
Maybe you shouldn't tell the OP Russian standards and totally confuse her
As a result you are divorced twice .. so your answer is kinda not very credible.
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Five years is pushing it.
