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I've been married for 7 years. I like to go out with my friends a lot. My SO doesn't like it and is always on my case. I'm always told that it's not right and that married life isn't about acting like you're single and in your 20s and that I should be at home more and try to behave like I'm married. I'm getting very frustrated with all the arguing and having to explain myself when I come home late on a friday or saturday night.
I just wanted some advice on how to deal with this. Thanks.
Ring her bell multiple times before you head out. Nary a comment will be said.
Maybe it's a little bit different for women in relationships. It seems like men are held to a higher standard in terms of what state they can come home in, when they live with an SO. Your SO sounds like a good man; I just can't imagine my live-in SO being the same way. (Currently, I keep frozen breakfast bowls in my freezer, to heat up on those mornings.)
My DH made Margaritas in pint glasses without mixer one time. No one else drank them because... dude if you are having bigguns you make it in a small glass! I held his head over the toilet so he would not miss, fetched his water, got him clean clothes and helped him back to bed when the spins stopped. The next morning, he looked at me apologetically. I was like... don't apologize to me. I'm not the one suffering.
Normally, we need a little controversy, cause it feels so empty without me , but AprilFlowers17 here is right. Serious relationships are about responsibility, first and foremost. (Otherwise, they wouldn't be called "serious".) Having fun for yourself is the last priority. If you want fun, stay away from relationships, plain and simple.
That's just wacky. Presumably the people who got married got married because they sometimes have fun together. But the notion that you can't have fun oneself is a direct road to massive depression. My family has a ton of issues right now. Anything that can go wrong has gone wrong from some (not huge) issues with kids, car completely dying, work blowing up for both of us. Last time I got overwhelmed, DH said go see your girl. You need a break. Last night DH sighed after making dinner. "I need a break." Maybe I will go to city-X with my friend and ride some cars. I was like yah do it. If you drink, get a hotel room and be safe. Like? Duh?
My DH made Margaritas in pint glasses without mixer one time. No one else drank them because... dude if you are having bigguns you make it in a small glass! I held his head over the toilet so he would not miss, fetched his water, got him clean clothes and helped him back to bed when the spins stopped. The next morning, he looked at me apologetically. I was like... don't apologize to me. I'm not the one suffering.
That's a good one! So funny and so true. Good god, I remember myself in the morning on New Year Day. After I stumbled out of bed, chugged 32 oz of Gatorade in less than 10 seconds, and spent 15 minutes splashing cold water on my face, I knew it was not going to be a fun day. Being in my quiet, empty apartment after getting home was nice, though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
That's just wacky. Presumably the people who got married got married because they sometimes have fun together. But the notion that you can't have fun oneself is a direct road to massive depression. My family has a ton of issues right now. Anything that can go wrong has gone wrong from some (not huge) issues with kids, car completely dying, work blowing up for both of us. Last time I got overwhelmed, DH said go see your girl. You need a break. Last night DH sighed after making dinner. "I need a break." Maybe I will go to city-X with my friend and ride some cars. I was like yah do it. If you drink, get a hotel room and be safe. Like? Duh?
I guess having fun within a relationship---real fun, as opposed to "church" fun---is beyond my understanding. <shrug> (This is a "Simpsons" reference, where the Flanders kids said: "Mrs. Simpson made us happy. Not "church" happy, real happy.") It was drummed into my head---not just by family, but also by same-age friends (I found the latter a bit surprising)---that relationships are about responsibilities and sacrifices, not fun. Needless to say, it shaped my attitude and beliefs.
I guess having fun within a relationship---real fun, as opposed to "church" fun---is beyond my understanding. <shrug> (This is a "Simpsons" reference, where the Flanders kids said: "Mrs. Simpson made us happy. Not "church" happy, real happy.") It was drummed into my head---not just by family, but also by same-age friends---that relationships are about responsibility, not fun. Needless to say, it shaped my attitude and beliefs.
Dude, you need to change the tape in your head! Responsibility? I never heard that. How are relationships about responsibility? If there are no kids, the only responsibility is paying the rent and utilities, like you do anyway. Relationships are ALL about fun. What did you think the sex was for?
Dude, you need to change the tape in your head. Responsibility? I never heard that. How are relationships about responsibility? If there are no kids, the only responsibility is paying the rent and utilities, like you do anyway. Relationships are ALL about fun. What did you think the sex was for?
That's what all my close friends have been telling me: that fun shouldn't be a priority is a serious relationship. (Otherwise it wouldn't be "serious", I guess.) Let alone the family I grew up in, all older than me, who were never big on having fun to begin with. I guess my friends treat that as a normal thing, although now, I have virtually zero interest in it, so it doesn't give me an incentive to settle down myself.
You know, I remember being told in my teens that relationships are a big responsibility. I thought it was just talk. Boy, was I wrong.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 04-19-2017 at 08:22 AM..
That's what all my close friends have been telling me: that fun shouldn't be a priority is a serious relationship. (Otherwise it wouldn't be "serious", I guess.) Let alone the family I grew up in, all older than me, who were never big on having fun to begin with. I guess my friends treat that as a normal thing, although now, I have virtually zero interest in it, so it doesn't give me an incentive to settle down myself.
You know, I remember being told in my teens that relationships are a big responsibility. I thought it was just talk. Boy, was I wrong.
Relationships are a lot of work. I am happily married, and even in our case we have to work at it. But, I think way to many people believe that once you are married, everything else must go unless it's done together, friends, hobbies etc, and it's just not true.
The thing is, when you are dating, find out about these things. If you aren't a match, don't continue dating. Dating is to find out if you are a match, and for the life of me I don't get why people continue on and get married when you aren't. Sure, going out without each other may seem like a silly thing to break up over, but it's not. I don't want to live my whole life justifying every time I want a girls night or a girls trip. I am sure my husband feels the same. Balance. This person appears to go out once a week, I don't get the big deal. And why shouldn't it be a Friday or a Saturday? I wouldn't want to go out for drinks on a weekday, so it has to be a weekend. What is the big deal? I broke up with quite a few guys in my dating years because of issues like this.
My husband went to Thailand for a month, I didn't blink twice or once give him a hard time. Because it's something he really wanted to do! Always had wanted to, finally got the chance. He doesn't give me a hard time when I go out with friends or to Vegas. Or when I spend many hours volunteering with animal rescues. He knows that is important to me. It doesn't mean he isn't important to me to. It's not a competition.
Does he/she not have friends or hobbies of their own they could do while you aren't around? Having one or two nights to yourself or out with the boys/girls is healthy for a relationship. However, if you're blowing you're SO off multiple nights a week to go out drinking, they have every reason to be upset.
That's a good one! So funny and so true. Good god, I remember myself in the morning on New Year Day. After I stumbled out of bed, chugged 32 oz of Gatorade in less than 10 seconds, and spent 15 minutes splashing cold water on my face, I knew it was not going to be a fun day. Being in my quiet, empty apartment after getting home was nice, though.
I guess having fun within a relationship---real fun, as opposed to "church" fun---is beyond my understanding. <shrug> (This is a "Simpsons" reference, where the Flanders kids said: "Mrs. Simpson made us happy. Not "church" happy, real happy.") It was drummed into my head---not just by family, but also by same-age friends (I found the latter a bit surprising)---that relationships are about responsibilities and sacrifices, not fun. Needless to say, it shaped my attitude and beliefs.
You need a new drummer.
I mean marriage does require thoughtfulness and caring. Sacrifice is not the way I would describe the feeling since the desire to maintain the relationship takes the sting out of sacrifice. But if there is no fun in it, why would anyone do it? My DH makes me laugh on a daily basis with some stupid internet clip, or the latest political humor, or just how the vegetable that he is prepping looks so very phallic. I mean why would anyone want to live day in and day out with something that is just permanently and universally yucky?
That's what all my close friends have been telling me: that fun shouldn't be a priority is a serious relationship. (Otherwise it wouldn't be "serious", I guess.) Let alone the family I grew up in, all older than me, who were never big on having fun to begin with. I guess my friends treat that as a normal thing, although now, I have virtually zero interest in it, so it doesn't give me an incentive to settle down myself.
You know, I remember being told in my teens that relationships are a big responsibility. I thought it was just talk. Boy, was I wrong.
Some people want to be "grown ups" and they think that being in a "serious" relationship means being serious. A relationship is whatever the people agree it is. Rather than condemn relationships as being buzz-killers - "blame" the people involved for their definition of what is included or not included in a relationship.
Now, that said - if their expectations don't meet with yours it is simply a matter of incompatibility, like anything else. Find someone who is like-minded and you won't have those issues.
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It seems like men are held to a higher standard in terms of what state they can come home in, when they live with an SO. Your SO sounds like a good man; I just can't imagine my live-in SO being the same way. (Currently, I keep frozen breakfast bowls in my freezer, to heat up on those mornings.)
, but AprilFlowers17 here is right. Serious relationships are about responsibility, first and foremost. (Otherwise, they wouldn't be called "serious".) Having fun for yourself is the last priority. If you want fun, stay away from relationships, plain and simple.
Being in my quiet, empty apartment after getting home was nice, though.
