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A friend and I were having a conversation about my relationship history and she pointed out what she thinks is a pattern. In my 20s, I dated a woman who had a child from a previous relationship. In my 30s, I dated a woman who turned out to have abandonment issues. And even though we only dated for a short period of time, we became close friends and I've helped her through several crises. In my 40s, I was dating a woman who, very early in the relationship, revealed that she had bipolar disorder. My friend observed that I somehow ended up in relationships with three women who either needed or would potentially need my help. Her argument goes that because I didn't run away screaming when I learned the first woman had a child, that the second woman had dependency issues, or that the third had a mental disorder, I was therefore trying to be a rescuer.
Now, my understanding of the white knight personality is that they seek out people to rescue. They look for people who need help of some kind. But in my case, I never went looking for women who needed to be saved. I never saw these women as being in need of any help, certainly not when I first began pursuing them. If anything, I saw them as the exact opposite, as completely independent women who were doing quite well on their own. So I rejected my friend's argument.
But as I reexamine those three examples my friend gave, it's hard for me not see the pattern she pointed out. Three people who either needed my help or would've potentially needed it. And it's hard for me to dismiss that as just a coincidence. In the case of the third woman, I've lately been plagued by self-doubts over whether I should've asked her to move in with me rather than let her move back home to pay off her massive credit card debt. Part of me now wonders if the only reason I'm having these doubts is because some part me wanted to be her rescuer. When I reflect on it, what I feel is guilt over having stood by when I could've helped.
I guess my question is whether it's possible to fall into that white knight mode of thinking even if you're not deliberately looking for people to rescue? In other words, can you turn into a white knight after you've gotten involved with someone? And is that necessarily a bad thing?
I... think there are too many factors and variables to make sweeping assumptions about some of these situations. Is she suggesting that single or divorced mothers are inherently in need of rescuing? Really? Based on what, exactly? What suggests this? Was there anything to suggest this particular single mother was looking to be rescued?
These unique dynamics, such as child/ren from a previous relationship or mental illness, doesn't, shouldn't, imply these individuals are in need of rescuing, especially when the parties involved are in stable and supportive environments.
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