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A friend of mine had his wife run off with another man 17 years ago. He sat around and moped for years waiting for her to come back, while he raised a son she left behind who was 12 at the time. When the son graduated high school, he dated briefly and could not get over the fact everyone available had kids. He didn't want to raise more kids, so he basically gave up.
Soon, he fell into a slump where he only left the house every Saturday to go to town and buy groceries and pay bills. The dude puts less than 1000 miles a year on his truck. He never leaves the house from Saturday to Saturday except to go to work. His evenings and weekends are spent sitting in his garage watching TV and drinking beer. Dude has a 100k boat sitting in the garage with less than 50 hrs on it that hasn't been in the water since 2003. The fridge in the house is unplugged and no gas in the bottle for the stove. He eats out of the garage fridge and cooks in a microwave or on a grill. The only time he goes in the house is to shower, sleep and do laundry. Other than that, a beautiful 400k house sits empty. When the son moved out he gave him the furniture. The only thing left is a bed and a grandfather clock. House is empty.
Recently i asked how he could stand living like that. He said he has grown to LOVE it the way it is and can't imagine having a woman around telling him what to do. I ask why he has abandoned the house and basically lives in his garage and he says it's because it was HER house and not his and he is not comfortavle there. I ask why he doesn't sell and he said it is because it would be too much hassle to move all his tools and equipment and other than not liking the house, he likes where he lives and his big garage setup.
So basically here is a guy who has settled by withdrawing from life basically and is satisfied to live like a hermit and spend his days drinking beer. Very sad to watch a friend doing this, but he seems happy.
How is it sad if he is happy?
I know a few guys who basically live in basements and garages (they are married). A lot of men seem to like that cave thing and as they get older prefer to stay in.
I've always had the same response to it, in fiction and in life. To borrow a word that's attracted its fair share of attention in another thread, what's normal and expected to most is abhorrent to me.
'You'll change your tune when you meet someone,' they say. That won't happen because I won't allow it. I treat sudden and thankfully rare outbreaks of affection as you would a flu. I keep them to myself and try not to spread the sickness around.
To me, the idea of a wife and children is a millstone, getting between me and the things I want to do. My most intimate relationship is with my imagination. It always has been. My imagination is the one thing that I really like about myself. It's the longest one night stand I've ever had and it has never let me down.
Some want the white picket fence, the 2.5 children and the family Christmas card. Good luck and best wishes to them. I enjoy the freedom to do whatever I choose (whether that includes burping the alphabet, listening to Whitesnake at 3 AM, scratching my junk and living on takeaways until I die at fifty) and go where the road of life takes me without having to look over my shoulder or ask anyone else's permission.
I've waited long enough for the kind of self-determination and absolute power I now enjoy. This life ain't for sharing.
I think you'll get my point here. Can you see that comments like yours can come from someone who has critically looked at what life has to offer and concluded that your choices make the most sense, or, from someone who has been burned and has regrouped into the relative safety of those same choices? The implication being that the former group isn't missing anything by remaining single, and the latter group is because their choices were defensive and they're suppressing their true desire. The third possibility (I'm sure there are more than 3) could be that being burned and reacting defensively could lead someone to critically reassess their goals in life and lead to the same conclusion, without any suppressed desire for a relationship.
You and Auraliea and others who aren't much interested in relationships make strong arguments in support of your choices, sometimes before anyone has challenged your choices, or sometimes with an intensity that seems disproportionate. It can seem like you're protesting too loudly. I don't see it that way, but I can appreciate how some people do.I think what the rest of us may miss is that being in a relationship is such a clear default expectation that even when no one is challenging people who aren't conforming, there's always an unspoken challenge. It's in all varieties of media and in all sorts of facets of a person's life. It's in the air, really. There's always the overt pressure to couple up, but the covert may be the most impactful because it's not out in the open and easily addressed. So we see you in one context here and ignorantly assume that you aren't dealing with this directly on a regular basis and so a bit weary, as well as having to manage the insidious effects of the unspoken assumptions people have.
I think that's an understandable mistake, but I can see how frustrating it must be.
In some ways I'm settling *in this moment* by accepting I'm single and hate dating. Alot of my singleness has to do with my current environment and geographical location. The moment I stopped worrying about getting married and finding the perfect person is when peace came over me. If I don't ever get married, oh well.
I think you'll get my point here. Can you see that comments like yours can come from someone who has critically looked at what life has to offer and concluded that your choices make the most sense, or, from someone who has been burned and has regrouped into the relative safety of those same choices? The implication being that the former group isn't missing anything by remaining single, and the latter group is because their choices were defensive and they're suppressing their true desire. The third possibility (I'm sure there are more than 3) could be that being burned and reacting defensively could lead someone to critically reassess their goals in life and lead to the same conclusion, without any suppressed desire for a relationship.
You and Auraliea and others who aren't much interested in relationships make strong arguments in support of your choices, sometimes before anyone has challenged your choices, or sometimes with an intensity that seems disproportionate. It can seem like you're protesting too loudly. I don't see it that way, but I can appreciate how some people do.I think what the rest of us may miss is that being in a relationship is such a clear default expectation that even when no one is challenging people who aren't conforming, there's always an unspoken challenge. It's in all varieties of media and in all sorts of facets of a person's life. It's in the air, really. There's always the overt pressure to couple up, but the covert may be the most impactful because it's not out in the open and easily addressed. So we see you in one context here and ignorantly assume that you aren't dealing with this directly on a regular basis and so a bit weary, as well as having to manage the insidious effects of the unspoken assumptions people have.
I think that's an understandable mistake, but I can see how frustrating it must be.
I agree that is entirely up to the perceiver.
Like I stated earlier, I don't go around proclaiming how good it is to be single or why I choose to be single. I keep it to myself and try to refrain from the subject, even when asked. It's hard to avoid it because like I said, a lot of conversations I've heard centered around relationships. At least with the people I have encountered. When you are the only person not really contributing, people notice, start asking questions, or make ignorant assumptions. I can't count how many times I've been accused of being an undercover lesbian or stuck up because I "don't give anyone the time of day."
If I am seen as protesting too loudly, it's because I'm trying to shut down the subject before it even gets started.
Among my group of friends, I'm the only one who has always remained single and not known to be fooling around with anyone. As of how I feel now, I just REALLY don't want to be bothered. I keep seeing many disappointing things relationships have to offer and I've decided as of right now that I don't want to deal with it. To them, I keep putting it off over and over again. So I guess that equates to being forever in their eyes. But I agree. I think it is definitely due to a lack of life experience on their part.
You've always seem pretty level-headed to me! However, when I see comments here of people making decisions for themselves based on observance of other people's choices and less than positive experiences, i don't find that legitimate. There are positives and negatives to relationships with any person - parent, sibling, friend, etc. Choosing to opt out because of negatives means you're missing out on the positives as well.
I also don't believe in holding out for the right person, because if you've never dated, how will you know they are the right one? You have nothing to measure against, and no, you can't measure against other people's relationships. IMO, dating gives you a better sense of what you want or don't want out of a partner and relationship, beyond your pre-conceived ideas and assumptions of how you think things will go. You can also learn a lot about yourself from those dating experiences. As a single person who has never dated, you may think you know yourself but you don't know yourself in connection with another person, as a couple, the give and take and compromise of a relationship. There is a lot of personal growth that can come from dating, even the negatives can be learned from.
Make healthy decisions for yourself, not based on fear of other people's choices that have no bearing on your life.
You've always seem pretty level-headed to me! However, when I see comments here of people making decisions for themselves based on observance of other people's choices and less than positive experiences, i don't find that legitimate. There are positives and negatives to relationships with any person - parent, sibling, friend, etc. Choosing to opt out because of negatives means you're missing out on the positives as well.
I also don't believe in holding out for the right person, because if you've never dated, how will you know they are the right one? You have nothing to measure against, and no, you can't measure against other people's relationships. IMO, dating gives you a better sense of what you want or don't want out of a partner and relationship, beyond your pre-conceived ideas and assumptions of how you think things will go. You can also learn a lot about yourself from those dating experiences. As a single person who has never dated, you may think you know yourself but you don't know yourself in connection with another person, as a couple, the give and take and compromise of a relationship. There is a lot of personal growth that can come from dating, even the negatives can be learned from.
Make healthy decisions for yourself, not based on fear of other people's choices that have no bearing on your life.
I understand what you're saying, and you made good points BUT my reason for holding out has nothing to do with fear. I'm very aware of the positives and negatives relationships. I'm not against them but I'm not going out of my way to find them either. I'm pretty content with where I am in life, if someone comes along and piques my interest , I'll take it from there. I'm not a person who jumps in head first at the first opportunity.
I take calculated risks. As of now, no one in my eyes is worth it. I also think it's pretty silly not to try and learn from other people's mistakes. If we don't learn from history or our environment we're doomed to repeat it. All of my decisions come from me. No one else. I notice a lot of people fall into the same trap over and over. I'm not trying to be like that.
I understand what you're saying, and you made good points BUT my reason for holding out has nothing to do with fear. I'm very aware of the positives and negatives relationships. I'm not against them but I'm not going out of my way to find them either. I'm pretty content with where I am in life, if someone comes along and piques my interest , I'll take it from there. I'm not a person who jumps in head first at the first opportunity.
I take calculated risks. As of now, no one in my eyes is worth it. I also think it's pretty silly not to try and learn from other people's mistakes. If we don't learn from history or our environment we're doomed to repeat it. All of my decisions come from me. No one else. I notice a lot of people fall into the same trap over and over. I'm not trying to be like that.
Definitely make decisions for yourself. If anyone wants to be condescending and make assumptions about you, that is their issue to deal with not yours.
Something like dating and relationships is not a requirement, it is a choice and a luxury. It is definitely not right to jump in head first or just "give someone a chance".
It's also good to learn from other's mistakes. One thing you don't want to do is look and see others get themselves into undesirable circumstances and then jump in thinking that it is not going to happen to you.
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